To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

[Edddie]

I am living with an eating disorder that is largely anxiety driven. A big problem for me is eating in front of other people, and feeling judged when I eat or for what I eat.

I am now at a point where I can eat socially. If I am out for a sit-down meal with other people having a meal then that’s ok - but I wouldn’t order a starter/dessert when others weren’t. I wouldn’t pick up canapés that are circulating, I wouldn’t grab food from a buffet… I don’t eat in front of people if others aren’t eating. I’ll have small portions, “healthy” foods and small bites to avoid being judged. DH is very aware of these things.

Today, we’re at a touristy place. It’s me, DH, two DCs and DH’s friend. We passed somewhere selling cream tea and DH stopped and said he wanted one. So we went in and got a table. DH confirmed I would have one and I said yes. DH and his friend went to order at the counter. Then, it arrived and both DH and his friend has changed their minds and I was the only one having cream tea.

This immediately (rationally or irrationally) makes me feel like the fat, gluttonous, awful person. But I also feel extremely anxious - especially with DH’s friend there. I nibble a bit and pass it over to DH. Then I’m left spiralling over whether DH’s friend, and the waiting staff and other customers are thinking I’m rude for not eating it or gluttonous for ordering it or judging me for everything.

I feel as though, given that DH knows how I feel about food and eating, he should’ve told me that he was no longer having the cream tea.

Jesus Christ. Because people change their mind sometimes?
He doesn’t sound like a dick at all. He sounds like a human being who in the moment didn’t consider his wife’s feelings, like we all do sometimes, or are you little miss perfect who never makes a mistake?
At the end of the day this is OPs problem and her DH while being considerate shouldn’t have to tip toe around her 24/7. I would be exhausted having to live like that.
OP needs to continue to work to resolve her issues such that when something like this happens in the future she isn’t phased and her DH can live his life like a normal person.

I think, and I mean this very kindly, that you've got it slightly wrong (as ED brains will tend to do) - learning to manage your ED is not 'needing to know if and when others are eating around you so you can behave in a way your brain finds acceptably "appropriate"', but 'learning to be able to eat regardless of what anyone else is doing'. So I don't think he was hindering your ability to manage the symptom of the disease - the fact that you needed to know whether he would be eating too IS the symptom.

I get it: I have a very weird complicated relationship with eating and eating around other people. But requiring him, even infrequently, to let you know if and when he will be eating when you're out and about, is feeding the part of your brain that tells you there's something bad or gluttonous about being the only person eating. It's capitulating to the ED brain, not fighting it.

Now I accept that maybe a random day out wasn't when you felt ready to tackle it specifically, but that's the problem with EDs - eating, in all kinds of scenarios, is an almost constant type of unexpected exposure therapy. Which can be unpleasant. But it isn't your DH's job to 'pander' (excuse the term, I don't mean that as cruelly as it sounds) to your disorder, and more importantly I don't think it does you any good to do so. Learning to manage the unexpected instance where you're the only person eating is a step to recovering from it: trying to control or limit scenarios where you eat is just still having the disorder.

This, if op agrees with all the posters thay her husband did this to be controlling/evil/hurtful/vindictive/dick/purposely stepped out of line/ didn't prioritise her with his every thought in order to destabilise her.. would that not be a relationship ender?

Well she could have 'managed it herself' if the bellend had given her the new information.

she has come a long way and he's just shat on that by putting her in a very uncomfortable situation knowing her feelings.

@Edddie what the actual fuck was he thinking. HE was the one that wanted to stop to get an afternoon tea, then does that to you? I'd be SO angry & hurt.

You're doing really really well, don't let this derail you from your recovery.

and as others have said, no one else would have noticed or cared, but I know huw hard that is to get past xx

Unbelievable. I sympathise to an extent due to my own exposure to EDs and mental
health issues, but to compare an allergy and an ED is completely ignorant. They’re apples and oranges.

I’d be really pissed off if DH did that to me.

Who want to eat a cream tea alone- it’s a sociable thing as well as meal/ large snack.

also it throws out all other meals.

FFS she's come a long way. Can't you at least appreciate that??

How can she 'manage it' when she wasn't given all the information. Other than to not eat, even if others say they are??

Couldn’t you just say you changed your mind too, and leave the scone? Or make them up with the jam and cream and push half over to your DH with a pointed look?
It doesn’t seem fair to get annoyed at him, when it is your issue to manage.

Absolutely not the same as lying to someone with allergies or diabetes about what is in their food. This has to be one of the most ignorant and melodramatic things I have read.

Also, you didn't have to consume the cream tea even if it was already paid for.

I don't think this us putting OP down at all. It's an observation on how difficult this must for her DH. I would imagine it's very difficult for him

So do you, just not around eating.

I don't see what's difficult for the DP here. He chose to stop for the cream tea.

I believe she did

I'm quite surprised by these responses as I don't have an eating disorder and I would have felt so embarrassed if this had happened to me, and exactly the same thoughts would be going through my head. The only difference is perhaps because I wouldn't have thought of this as my issue I would definitely have told DH off and refused to eat, everyone would have ended up sharing it. I think it's extremely rude of your DH to do that, it's a shared social experience that he suggested of course you don't want to find yourself the only one left doing it while the two other adults stare at you, that's so strange that he did that. It would have been different if you'd been the one who dragged them in to buy one but not this way round.

Absolutely, ordering a scone that someone does not have to eat is in no way similar to purposely giving someone a food with a fatal allergen in it!!

Obviously the outcome isn’t the same, no one said it was 🙄🙄

Telling someone to “manage their condition” whilst refusing to give them the information they need to manage their condition - whether their condition is an eating disorder, epilepsy or arthritis - is ridiculous.

In that sense (which is the only sense that it has been presented in), it is identical. You cannot tell someone to “manage your condition” while not allowing them the information they need to do that.

Imagine it’s veganism/vegetarianism instead - absolutely no risk of “death” there. A vegan is responsible for managing their own veganism. If DH knew I’m vegan (I’m not, imagine I am) and I asked him for sausage and mash because the menu says they do vegan sausages. He gets to the counter and they tell him they only have meat sausages left, he orders it anyway, doesn’t tell me it’s not vegan and I eat it. Is that me failing to manage my own veganism?

I wonder how the voting would have gone if you posted the story without mentioning the ED.

Because I don't have an ED, but I would have been furious at being bumped into eating a cream tea in solitary splendour, when I could have saved myself for something nicer later.

I wouldn't have held back either: I'd grill them mercilessly about why they'd changed their minds.

And I wouldn't eat it.

YANBU

But you didn’t have to eat the scone. That’s the whole point and what makes it different.

Different from what?

From the vegan non-vegan sausages example.

the issue is that you don’t want to eat on your own. So you’d not have eaten the sausages regardless of whether they were vegan or meat.

can you honestly not see the difference?

They didn’t have to eat the sausages either?!

If they’d known they were vegan then they wouldn’t have.

The issue doesn’t begin after I’ve eaten the scone. The issue begins when a plate of food is brought over, DH gestures to me and I’m told that I’m the only one eating. From that point, even if I don’t touch it at all, I’m the fat, gluttonous cow who just couldn’t resist while DH and his friend sit all pretty not needing it. Even if I push it away or share it, I’m the one with eyes bigger than my belly, poor self-control to order it in the first place… if I refuse to eat it on arrival, I’m all those things but also stroppy and contrary.

And, yes, it’s all in my head with no physical harm done. That’s exactly the same when a vegan unknowingly eats meat and finds out afterwards.

I’m sorry you’re suffering. I really am.

im out because your thought processes are irrational and the way you are comparing your ED to life threatening allergies and diseases such as diabetes I’m finding hard to cope with.

I wish you all the best and I hope you can find a way forward but I really don’t think your husband has done anything wrong.

While I can sympathise to a certain extent your issues around food are probably a nightmare for your husband to deal with.

Did DH and friend have something different or did they have nothing at all?

I would absolutely hate this.
I used to be overweight and had an ED myself.
I have come out the other side and would say that I don’t have an ED now and will happily eat in front of people but I would still hate this situation.

If they had something different, then it wouldn’t be as bad but if they sat there with no food whilst I was eating then I’d be upset about it.

I wouldn’t blame DH but I’d explain it to him and ask that he doesn’t do it again.
He wasn’t being intentionally rude but unless you have had an ED or anxiety then you just wouldn’t see it as an issue.

Do you notice what other people are eating and make judgements about it?

I'm assuming you don't.

Why do you think other people and - in particular - complete strangers are so interested in what you are eating?

They really aren't.