To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

[Edddie]

I am living with an eating disorder that is largely anxiety driven. A big problem for me is eating in front of other people, and feeling judged when I eat or for what I eat.

I am now at a point where I can eat socially. If I am out for a sit-down meal with other people having a meal then that’s ok - but I wouldn’t order a starter/dessert when others weren’t. I wouldn’t pick up canapés that are circulating, I wouldn’t grab food from a buffet… I don’t eat in front of people if others aren’t eating. I’ll have small portions, “healthy” foods and small bites to avoid being judged. DH is very aware of these things.

Today, we’re at a touristy place. It’s me, DH, two DCs and DH’s friend. We passed somewhere selling cream tea and DH stopped and said he wanted one. So we went in and got a table. DH confirmed I would have one and I said yes. DH and his friend went to order at the counter. Then, it arrived and both DH and his friend has changed their minds and I was the only one having cream tea.

This immediately (rationally or irrationally) makes me feel like the fat, gluttonous, awful person. But I also feel extremely anxious - especially with DH’s friend there. I nibble a bit and pass it over to DH. Then I’m left spiralling over whether DH’s friend, and the waiting staff and other customers are thinking I’m rude for not eating it or gluttonous for ordering it or judging me for everything.

I feel as though, given that DH knows how I feel about food and eating, he should’ve told me that he was no longer having the cream tea.

Sorry, I haven’t seen this asked. No, he didn’t say.

OP has a mouth too. She could have asked for one.

He was out of order. He knows your issues so shouldn't have put you in that situation!

This slightly changes my opinion that it was a rude thing to do in general - I initially thought it was just you eating and then (putting the ED aside) that’s a weird thing he did.
As the children were also eating, I think that changes it from generally weird/rude, to thoughtless given your specific history. Is he generally understanding and thoughtful? Have you spoken to him about it since? What’s he said? Was he thinking that by saying to his friend “let me just check with Edddie if she still wants one now it’s just the children eating” he might be doing the wrong thing by bringing attention to it?
Or is he frequently thoughtless, and refuses to consider your feelings on it?

I would feel uncomfortable being the only adult eating food and I don't have food issues generally.

Bit thoughtless of him tbh.

But that’s not you managing it yourself. You’re still relying on the actions of other people. Therapy should provide you the tools to manage your ED including in situations like this where change is possible. It’s still your issue to manage and you still seem to be relying on your DHs actions to determine the outcome 🤷🏻‍♀️ if you could manage it yourself, you would be equipped to deal with all outcomes, and that’s what pp mean when they say it’s yours to manage.

Your DH must be worn out by your behaviour.

I understand you @Edddie. I hate eating alone in front of others. Mealtimes are stressful for me in general so I prefer to eat alone with my tablet. That way I can eat while focussing on something else. DH has little compassion. He wants meal times to be social - but at the same time he eats too late for me anyways; 21:00. It's hard to explain an unusual eating disorder because it's not anorexia or purging it's just stress and finding the need to be alone and on a calm environment. I am not overweight nor underweight, I eat "normal" food and portions but I prefer talking before or after having eaten and my DH just thinks I'm antisocial. I tell him he's antisocial as well then choosing to eat so much later than everyone else🤷‍♀️

Totally understand how you must have felt and he should have realised. No advice other than I hope you are getting to a better place with your ED which is a minefield to navigate.

These things don’t tend to happen overnight. It’s a slow process, and to an extent does rely on family members and friends being aware, sensitive and accommodating. It’s not like you go to therapy and then the next week you’re dining solo at an all you can eat buffet.

So not helpful. Does it make you feel better to put other people down?

Do you eat enough OP? Are you underweight? It's so hard living with someone who undereats. Just wondering if your DH wanted you to eat something ... and set it up so you felt you had to? Not saying he was right, but it is understandable and I would not blame him.
It's good that you are working to overcome your ED. Good luck with it.

It isn't really like your examples at all, sorry. Your DH is a person in his own right and he should not have to consider only your needs rather than thinking about his own wishes once in a while. He will have had to consider your needs an awful lot in recent times, so I don't think it is appropriate for you to be annoyed that he changed his mind. It is a bit weird though for both to order nothing at all when they had said they wanted something.

9pm isnt particularly late IMO

Really? Whatever happened to having supportive partners/ families and friends. We are not islands!

9.00pm is far too late to eat for me

I go to bed at 10 pm so eating at 9 would be late for me. DH goes to bed late, wake up late. I wake up early (5-6) so go to bed early.

Her behaviour? She has a mental illness ffs.

Have you asked? Discussed how unhappy you are about it?

I’d actually be more than pissed off. I’d be worried it was deliberate or subconsciously sabotaging. He saw the place, he wanted it, he suggested it, and then a moment later he decides he doesn’t want it. Very sus in my opinion. Knowing your issues with food.

No. We’re still in said touristy place with DH’s friend. It’s a whole day out. Also why a doggy bag wouldn’t work because no one wants clotted cream that’s been in the Sun all day.

My first thought was that you were being unreasonable, similar to what others have said about your ED being your responsibility.

Then I read the replies and thought a little and changed my mind. I apologise for my first reaction.

I have disordered eating, I always have. I have really struggled to choose and order food in the past and would order similar to others as that felt "ok". My sister has helped me massively when it comes to ordering food, helps me choose, narrows down options and helps with strategies. I am a lot better now and usually manage ok but my sister always checks. So no youre not being unreasonable.

Im in therapy, im doing the full DBT programme and what has really helped me from DBT is the "check/fit the facts", the "cope ahead" and "problem solving". Aswell as reframing my thoughts so for example when you think "im fat, greedy" etc, reframe it as something like "im having the thought i am greedy, because I have an ED. Thoughts are not fact".

You can have the thought "I am a purple cat" it isnt fact, it doesnt make you a purple cat. Sometimes when I do have an anxiety driven irrational thought, I think to myself "Im a purple cat" as a reminder that my thoughts aren't always true.

I agree, that particular issue could have been dealt with very easily by your husband. ED are hard to deal with and every bit of support makes such a difference.

Well I wouldn't be trusting him to order for me anymore. That's for sure OP. It was a dick move to pull. Whether it's exhausting living with you having it or not.

For me the fact that the kids were also eating changed it slightly.

and, as kindly as I can say it, it’s really not the same as someone lying to a diabetic about sugar in a drink.