To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

[Edddie]

I am living with an eating disorder that is largely anxiety driven. A big problem for me is eating in front of other people, and feeling judged when I eat or for what I eat.

I am now at a point where I can eat socially. If I am out for a sit-down meal with other people having a meal then that’s ok - but I wouldn’t order a starter/dessert when others weren’t. I wouldn’t pick up canapés that are circulating, I wouldn’t grab food from a buffet… I don’t eat in front of people if others aren’t eating. I’ll have small portions, “healthy” foods and small bites to avoid being judged. DH is very aware of these things.

Today, we’re at a touristy place. It’s me, DH, two DCs and DH’s friend. We passed somewhere selling cream tea and DH stopped and said he wanted one. So we went in and got a table. DH confirmed I would have one and I said yes. DH and his friend went to order at the counter. Then, it arrived and both DH and his friend has changed their minds and I was the only one having cream tea.

This immediately (rationally or irrationally) makes me feel like the fat, gluttonous, awful person. But I also feel extremely anxious - especially with DH’s friend there. I nibble a bit and pass it over to DH. Then I’m left spiralling over whether DH’s friend, and the waiting staff and other customers are thinking I’m rude for not eating it or gluttonous for ordering it or judging me for everything.

I feel as though, given that DH knows how I feel about food and eating, he should’ve told me that he was no longer having the cream tea.

This.
I have the same affliction OP. It's horrible and stifling but even for those who have nothing of the sort, as others have said, it messes up the day (because then, one of you has eaten others haven't-they're going to want food at some point leaving others sitting without any food and perhaps causing objection in a restaurant) plus a lot of folk feeling awkward eating alone-ED or not!

He should have taken two minutes to consider you once he'd changed his mind and shouted over for you or come and told you.

Is that a roundabout way of saying. Yes, I do see other people as awful fat and gluttonous with no self control.

Is that your considered opinion of other who eat, or is that the eating disorder talking?

you’ve had several hours to think about this and I’m still not sure what you’re looking for here. is it (a)!Your husband is a cunt (b) you are right, you’re a fat pig (c) something else? (d) checking whether your reaction is normal: a bit yes, but then you started catastrophising and you seem immune to all suggestions about how you could have handled it differently. What is this whole thing really about.

Ha! What a lovely little twist that was!

No. I’m not saying that and please do not put words in my mouth. I said that people do judge what others eat, as evidenced by regular threads on here judging what others eat. It is disingenuous and dishonest to claim otherwise. It’s not as helpful as you’d think to say things that are patently untrue - it’s like telling someone with a fear of flying that planes never crash or telling someone with health anxiety that young people don’t get cancer. It’s blatantly untrue, and because it’s so provably untrue, all it actually proves is “people lie about whether they’re judging you”.

None of those options. Obviously. 🙄 My question is very clear - am I being unreasonable to expect that, in those circumstances, DH turn to me and say that he has changed his mind and is no longer ordering rather than changing the plan for his food but pushing ahead with mine?

I didn’t ask for unsolicited advice on what I should have done differently. In fact, I don’t want unsolicited advice on handling a medical condition from untrained, unqualified and uninformed strangers on the internet. Further, much of that advice is from posters projecting and assuming things that aren’t correct or misreading the OP.

The whole thing is really about exactly what I said it was about.

I'm surprised you've had such a rough time on here OP, who likes eating alone!?

It's like if you agreed to split a bottle of wine, two went up to order and came back with water for themselves and a bottle for you. Things are more enjoyable if you all partake. I'm sure your DH just wasn't thinking but I'd be miffed in the same scenario

To be honest, I'd be a bit put out to find myself having what I thought was going to be a nice, sociable snack experience between three people (because in my mind a cream tea is that, really, more than most foods!) turn into a solo activity, and I am someone who couldn't give much of a fig what people think of my eating habits!

I'd just feel the whole dynamic on which I'd based my decision had been shifted without my knowledge and be a bit disappointed.

With the additional context of your ED, yes, your husband was particularly thoughtless. However, if he's usually supportive and an otherwise good and loving husband, it's an entirely forgiveable blip in a fallible human being and I think you should let it go.

I hope you are able to keep going in your recovery and break through ever more barriers so that there are fewer and fewer things that are able to trip you up.

Good luck.

Consider this, OP. A wholly imaginary scenario concocted by your eating disorder, in which one or two dozen people observe you eat a cream tea and judge you for it, has sent you spiralling. Your response is to engineer a very real scenario in which you invite thousands of people on a public forum to examine and criticise the actions of your DH. Your behaviour is hypocritical, bullying, even vengeful. You are acting out your symptoms rather than taking responsibility for them and challenging them.

You are totally missing the point. Why did her DH say he wanted a cream tea. Pull off the road to buy one. Then buy one just for her and not him or his colleague. It’s just bloody weird. Who does that? Especially knowing her issues. I think it sounds controlling and manipulative.

It was thoughtless of him - I can imagine he was also annoyed at himself when he realised. These things happen - I hope you’re feeling better now.

I understand the feelings and behaviours you describe - this was life for me a few years ago (I’m trying to work it out now - about 6!) and I hope it gives you comfort that I no longer feel like this. Lots of therapy, lots of work - but for example, today I picked something I wanted to eat, and enjoyed it. I ate until I wanted to stop. It is lovely. I don’t take it for granted as it’s utterly exhausting being where you are. I hope things carry on improving for you. You can do this 🙌

Ok. Let’s work with that (attempt at) logic a bit further. Someone is drink-driving and almost, but does not hit you. You are scared, frightened and upset by it - by what could have happened because, in reality, nothing did. In response, you tell the police and they are arrested, charged and convicted. That’s very real.

Would you be being “bullying”, “vengeful” and “hypocritical” to “engineer” negative consequences on that person as a result of your “wholly imaginary scenario”?

It’s an anonymous forum. He doesn’t give two figs. There was a post recently where someone told the story of embarrassing themselves to their plumber by confusing a shadow for a leak. It’s not at all confusing that they were embarrassed by one, in-person, face-to-face, known plumber witnessing it but fine with the whole internet. No on questioned that. Because it’s not hypocrisy. Anyone with a single brain cell knows the difference.

OP says she has an ED. They have the highest mortality rate of mental health conditions and theyre very hard to treat.

Of course OP is catastrophising, they're a really complex issue to manage. And all the suggestions probably wont change how challenging OP found this situation.

The whole thing seems to me to be more, was DH a bit of dick (yes) and please help reasure me because this could risk my recovery and it scared and upset me.

How is not having a cream tea in the company of someone with an ED in any way similar to someone drink driving and breaking the law?

How is posting on mumsnet the same as being arrested? 🙄

He is not the bad guy. You cannot control the world around you.

Good luck op. I’m sorry you’re struggling but I can’t see that your husband did much wrong. I hope you can find a way forward and I really am out now. Because your increasingly offensive comparisons are just ridiculous.

Sorry I don't think it was just thoughtless on his part, I think it was weird they both suddenly changed their minds. It would have been more understandable if it were just the two of you.

OP. I don't know why you've been given such a rough ride in the comments. Whether people think you should just "manage" it (🙄) or not, your DH knows better than anyone else, other than you, the challenges you have with food. The fact he is the one that suggested it, and then ordered only for you rather than just say he changed his mind, will have understandably made it feel even worse. I would be upset by it too.

Id quite happily eat scones with jam and cream, even if no one else was. So I can't relate to the posters who would feel uncomfortable or angry about this. I appreciate it's more complex for you though. Maybe your dh didn't know what to do for the best in the moment. It probably would have looked odd to his friend if dh had said I better go and tell my wife I'm not having the cream tea now.
I hope you are able to get to a point where your food choices and intake aren't dictated by others.

I can’t get my head around why he and his friend suggested stopping for a cream tea, confirmed with you that you wanted one too and then DIDN’T have one. What did they have if anything? Doing this to someone without an ED is bad enough but to someone with one is downright cruel.

I agree.
I cannot understand that you all agreed to stop and eat and inna matter of minutes they changed their minds.

I find that rude, inconsiderate and it would piss me off.
I don't have an eating disorder, am a bit of a pig, happily, but that would piss me off.

Yanbu OP.

Your DH was at best very thoughtless in this scenario.

I also (like the above poster as it happens, but I have RTFT) can’t get my head around someone suggesting a cream tea, going into the cafe for one, confirming their partner wants one, and then not getting one themselves. It seems bonkers, even without (edited typo) the ED in the situation.

Tbf I don’t have an eating disorder, and I’d be a bit pissed off if someone did this, and would certainly at least want everyone to share mine - just because having a cream tea is, to me, a sociable thing.

However, with an ED in the mix he really should have thought before misleading you in this way, even if the misleading wasn’t intentional.

It wasn't perfect behaviour from him, but you don't seem to recognise that if someone is always walking on eggshells, they'll occasionally break one. He's only human and forgot about the current status of your eating, while talking to a friend.

I think you need to be as understanding that he's not always going to get everything right as he is about you, not focus on exactly how wrong he is.

A lot of the parallels are so hyperbolic, they show no reflection on your part. Lying about allergens and drink driving are very extreme, deliberate behaviours which kill someone and are always wrong. Your parameters are always fluctuating, so he has to keep track. It's more like forgetting someone moved from vegetarian to vegan last week and having to re-order for them. Not ideal, but understandable.

Can you just add he phrase "let's share this," to the tools you use to cope, if the situation ever arises again. You managed the situation, that's a great sign. Obsessing over it afterwards, not so much.

Honestly some of you have no clue about eating disorders. You may as well be telling someone with schizophrenia to stop having hallucinations. If the person with an ED could control their disordered thinking then they would. The ED voice is horrendous. The person needs kindness and compassion and yes I have lived with someone with an ED for many years.

Jesus Christ, some of these replies are awful and must be coming from the shittest of the shit people.

OP PLEASE believe me when I say that the vast majority of caring humans do not think like these PP's.
Who in the actual fuck would look at their husband/wife/sister/father and go... "look i mean i know you have a medical condition, but can you just bloody manage it by yourself, it's nothing to do with me, and I do NOT have to lift a finger to help support you".... like a spoilt self-centered tantrumming toddler.

God forbid if any of these people develop a medical condition. Depression? Just smile love, your sad face is impacting me. Allergy with anaphylaxis? But i want to go to this allergen filled restaurant, can't you just manage your closed airways quietly by yourself in the corner, I'm trying to eat over here. Cancer and chemo? But I want to go to this people filled indoor event where they are likely germs everywhere, can't you just manage your own immune system and tell it not to get sick?
Or just maybe, wouldn't you expect your lifelong partner to support you, and choose NOT to go to an allergen filled restaurant, and choose NOT to go somewhere that will make you terribly unwell?

He was being thoughtless, he knows you wouldn't want to be the only one eating so he should have ordered himself one anyway or told you. I hope you're getting some therapy to help you with this issue