To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

[Edddie]

I am living with an eating disorder that is largely anxiety driven. A big problem for me is eating in front of other people, and feeling judged when I eat or for what I eat.

I am now at a point where I can eat socially. If I am out for a sit-down meal with other people having a meal then that’s ok - but I wouldn’t order a starter/dessert when others weren’t. I wouldn’t pick up canapés that are circulating, I wouldn’t grab food from a buffet… I don’t eat in front of people if others aren’t eating. I’ll have small portions, “healthy” foods and small bites to avoid being judged. DH is very aware of these things.

Today, we’re at a touristy place. It’s me, DH, two DCs and DH’s friend. We passed somewhere selling cream tea and DH stopped and said he wanted one. So we went in and got a table. DH confirmed I would have one and I said yes. DH and his friend went to order at the counter. Then, it arrived and both DH and his friend has changed their minds and I was the only one having cream tea.

This immediately (rationally or irrationally) makes me feel like the fat, gluttonous, awful person. But I also feel extremely anxious - especially with DH’s friend there. I nibble a bit and pass it over to DH. Then I’m left spiralling over whether DH’s friend, and the waiting staff and other customers are thinking I’m rude for not eating it or gluttonous for ordering it or judging me for everything.

I feel as though, given that DH knows how I feel about food and eating, he should’ve told me that he was no longer having the cream tea.

Well that's a very sad outlook to have on life. Part of being in a relationship is caring for the other person.

Yes OP your H should have been more thoughtful. Def worth having a chat with him

A cream tea is quite substantial. It seems weird to me that he'd stop on a whim and decide he's hungry enough for one only to change his mind a few minutes later when he's up there ordering, especially since he knows about your ED. Is he usually supportive?

The problem is that when someone has an eating disorder, the eggshell walking turns up more than 3 times every day. Thoae around them need to consider if they eat near them or don't, if it's the right thing to eat in front of them, how exactly to best ask if or what they will have for lunch. Those who have been around it rather than actually having it will know just how frustrating it can be. While that poster could have been gentler, the point is true, OP is the only one who can manage her own fears and distress. The DH should absolutely help, even most of the time, but it is not fair to expect him to subsume OP's issues into his own interests every day for every meal and every snack.

The issue isn’t that he changed his mind. It’s that he changed his mind and didn’t think that maybe he should let his wife know despite being fully aware of the fact that it would upset her to eat alone.

It would have been thoughtless even without an ED to consider - unless I was ravenous I wouldn’t have wanted to sit alone eating either and I have zero issues with food, but it’s doubly so in the circumstances.

Your husband sounds a complete and utter dick. Is it possible that he did it deliberately - knowing you would be upset. I just cannot understand why they would both change their minds.

Thanks for the responses.

I don’t think it reaches the threshold to be “daily” or “exhausting” or “constant” for DH. It’s not an issue for when we’re at home or dining out as a household - which is the vast majority of the time (as I’d imagine it is for most people). It’s also not an issue with people I’m very close to (my close friends or my parents, etc). It’s only around people who are acquaintances to me or people I’m not close enough to (colleagues, DH’s friends, DH’s family).

It is mainly an issue at work - I have breakfast there but arrive before most of the office. Because the office is glass, I’ll still have something performatively “healthy” like a yoghurt or banana. Then I can’t have lunch if the person I share my office with is eating at her desk but I can eat (at my desk) if she’s out for lunch and I close the door. If I have a working lunch with food provided (training, networking, team meetings, etc) then I won’t eat because it’s all “serve yourself” style. I would never get snacks from the office cafe or vending machines. Dinners are just my household, which is fine. Unless I have an evening work event - I won’t eat canapés, if it’s sharers/tapas then I’ll take a small amount but rarely eat it but don’t want my plate noticeably empty. If it’s a sit-down meal with personal meals/portions then I’ll have about half.

With wider family/friends, I am fine with sit-down meals and personal portions. Tapas style or sharers or family plates, I’ll take small amounts. I wouldn’t usually have starters or desserts - definitely not if everyone else isn’t.

None of this impacts DH at all. He does his own thing and I make the choices that work for me.

Someone also said that I’m making him eat whenever I’m hungry - that’s not the case. It’s the opposite. I don’t eat unless he’s hungry (which, luckily, is 99.9% of the time). As he’s a 6ft, 100kg rugby player, he eats fairly relentlessly.

I also don’t consider a 2yo and a 5yo having an ice cream as changing anything. If they were 15yo and 18yo then it might. I wouldn’t start eating at a 4th Birthday Party even though all the kids are eating.

I’m not underweight. I don’t think his intention was to make me eat more because, knowing me at all, he would know that I would eat it if others are eating and not on my own. It made me eat less.

I haven’t ever said he must eat even though he doesn’t want it or he’s not allowed to change his mind. I’ve just said that, if he’s changing something that he knows is material to my choice on what to order, that he lets me know that he’s changed his mind. For example, had I said to a friend “would you like to go to a Taylor Swift concert?” and they said “oh? Yes, go on then” and I say I’ll buy the tickets and then I change my mind, buy one ticket and then, on the day of the concert, tell my friend that I’m not going then I don’t think anyone would tell my friend to “only buy tickets to events you want to go to 🤷‍♀️” if she were upset. Ultimately, it was an activity that he suggested we do together that he knew I wouldn’t want to do alone, then he backed out of without telling me - leaving me to do it on my own when it was too late to cancel.

DH probably fell over at the price of a cream tea ! hence him deciding he wasn't having one.

There is nothing gluttonous about one person having a cream tea in a place that sells them and that is why you all went into the place, and the children were having ice creams too, so 3 of you eating out of 5 people.

Eating is something that humans must do to stay alive. Unless you’re sat eating like you’re in an all you can eat food competition no one is batting an eyelid.

He got her a scone, while the kids were having ice cream. Those without an eating disorder genuinely can eat it, ignore it, or share it, with no problem. Those who would feel unable to eat a thing they just ordered based on what others eat have an eating disorder. Yes, he ideally would have taken into account her issues, I just pointed out why it's a big ask, because it wasn't and isn't about that one snack at all - it is every day at least 3 times per day, maybe some days even 6 times per day if snack, coffee or other drink stops are considered. He did not put her needs before his own, just once.

This is weird as fuck. So your DH said he wanted a cream tea and in the time it took to get to the counter to order, he'd changed his mind - and so had his friend? I mean, is it just me that finds this abnormal behaviour? Sounds to me as though he was setting you up.

What about the mate? Maybe they said get Eddie something or your DH thought christ, I’ll look rude if I don’t. What was he supposed to do?

I don’t like eating on my own in front of others either, but is this a big deal.

No of course not. But equally I wouldnt expect my DH to have to manage MY mental health issues to such an extent. We are all responsible for ourselves, even in a loving relationship.

I don’t want this to become combative so I ignored the first time but this is now the second time that you’ve made up things that aren’t true to try and sway people against me.

It’s not true at all that this is an issue every day, several times a day. It’s exclusively impacting DH when he and I eat with people that are outside of our household and not eating sit-down personal-portion meals. Even then, if it’s tapas/sharing/etc then I just won’t have any or will have small amounts and that won’t impact DH at all. He’s not walking on eggshells at all.

I appreciate you have personal experience with someone close to you having an eating disorder but that doesn’t mean that everyone with an eating disorder is the same. It’s a hugely varied set of different conditions - people’s experiences vary. I’d appreciate if you didn’t try to erroneously tar me with the same brush as someone you’ve had issues with.

I understand that, but I find this way of speaking about herself so upsetting to read that I am not prepared to be complicit in that value assessment of anyone, including her.

If her husband said “You’re an awful fat glutton eating that lot,” we would instantly recognize it as appalling abuse. OP saying it herself in no way diminishes the harm being done by those words, and we should reinforce that she deserves the same basic respect and good manners that everyone else does. OP, allowing those words into your vocabulary is continuing to harm you. Please do not speak of yourself in that way. You (everyone) deserves so much better than that.

As it is eating disorder and you admit it is mental health issue, then it is all real in your own mind but not real for others. They don't know and would not judge anything like that. Relax and eat what you want, whenever you want and in any way you want

This really is the same as telling someone with anxiety to stop worrying or someone with depression to cheer up.

I do appreciate the thought, kindness and support but it’s, unfortunately, not as simple as that.

You’re nice.

@Edddie was it only.a scone, or a full afternoon tea?

Yes, I think he should have told you he had changed his mind.
He knows you well enough to know what that would mean to you.

They’re simply ignorant. They’ve described “managing it” as “not having it” and clearly don’t know the difference.

As I said earlier, if someone has an allergy then it’s their responsibility to manage it. If someone tells them that a food is nut-free, changes their minds and adds nuts, then serves it to the person with the allergy. It’s not the fault of the person with the allergy failing to manage their allergy - it’s the person who knew about the allergy and changed their mind without updating the person with the allergy that they had changed it. Just because they’re “relying on another person” doesn’t mean that they aren’t managing it.

It was two scones, little jar of jam, little pat of butter, little pot of clotted cream and a pot of tea.

Anxiety about eating in public is very different to another disorder. It is not a big ask to simply not buy someone something leaving her to be the only one. It’s basic courtesy. This isn’t a deep analysis of what kind of food is permitted, or time of day, or anything that requires meaningful thought. It’s “do I want something? No. Ok, I won’t get it for Op either”. That’s it. Unless you’re more concerned about your friend thinking it’s odd to not buy your wife something when she asked, it is second nature to consider your partner when you are making decisions that affect them.

Of course it isn’t three times a day, because how many times in reality are people in a situation where one person is ordering on behalf of others? At a restaurant, they’d order together, at home it isn’t an issue, at work it isn’t an issue…only really likely at a cafe where someone is holding a table.

If my husband changed his mind he’d either nip back and ask me or quickly call me, just like he would if what I wanted wasn’t available. If he couldn’t, he’d just split with me, even performatively, because he changed the goal posts.

I wouldnt care less if im the only one eating.

The people on this thread attempting to ‘cure’ OP’s mental health disorder by advising her to ‘just get on with it’ and ‘get real’ is appalling.

OP the fact that DH didn’t pop back to the table and say oh we’re just having a cuppa now because the cream teas look ropey/they’re too expensive/saving ourselves for fish and chips is what has upset you I’m sure. As he knows you wouldn’t want to be the only present adult having it.

How is the rest of the day going?

Exactly. Very odd behaviour from DH