To think DH should have told me he was changing his mind?

[Edddie]

I am living with an eating disorder that is largely anxiety driven. A big problem for me is eating in front of other people, and feeling judged when I eat or for what I eat.

I am now at a point where I can eat socially. If I am out for a sit-down meal with other people having a meal then that’s ok - but I wouldn’t order a starter/dessert when others weren’t. I wouldn’t pick up canapés that are circulating, I wouldn’t grab food from a buffet… I don’t eat in front of people if others aren’t eating. I’ll have small portions, “healthy” foods and small bites to avoid being judged. DH is very aware of these things.

Today, we’re at a touristy place. It’s me, DH, two DCs and DH’s friend. We passed somewhere selling cream tea and DH stopped and said he wanted one. So we went in and got a table. DH confirmed I would have one and I said yes. DH and his friend went to order at the counter. Then, it arrived and both DH and his friend has changed their minds and I was the only one having cream tea.

This immediately (rationally or irrationally) makes me feel like the fat, gluttonous, awful person. But I also feel extremely anxious - especially with DH’s friend there. I nibble a bit and pass it over to DH. Then I’m left spiralling over whether DH’s friend, and the waiting staff and other customers are thinking I’m rude for not eating it or gluttonous for ordering it or judging me for everything.

I feel as though, given that DH knows how I feel about food and eating, he should’ve told me that he was no longer having the cream tea.

I sympathise OP, your eating disorder sounds really debilitating and I can't imagine how hard it is to change this type of thought pattern.

In relation to your DH, if he generally is supportive and a good husband I wouldn't make a huge issue of this. I think you could talk to him about it but I wouldn't make a mountain of it or make him feel bad if it's not a regular occurrence.

Obviously a large part of this disorder manifests in your thoughts. While it's consuming for you, these thoughts and rules you set around food will not be constantly in your husband's mind, he is only human and cannot be expected to get it right all of the time.

And yet there are posts on here all time judging people for what they eat. All the time.

Also just to add, food allergies and dietary requirements are very black and white. Whereas an ED is much more complex and vast. The rules you set and thoughts you have cannot be compared to something as simple as a simple yes/no to eating meat or dairy.

Perhaps your DH thought as your children would be eating this would be acceptable? These thoughts are awful for you but also will often be irrational, it can't be expected for someone to fully understand and always get it exactly right.

If DH makes a habit of sabotaging your efforts around food, to belittle you and keep you off-balance, then you are in an abusive relationship and need to leave; who knows, that may even help your eating disorder.

If however you are happy with DH, and intend to stay, then your eating disorder is your responsibility. You can try to communicate your needs and manage your surroundings so as to keep yourself comfortable, but you absolutely cannot insist on the behaviour of others nor enforce penalties for it.

For the cream tea incident you are not taking responsibility. If you were, your thread would have been asking MN for support and strategies to help you manage your intrusive thoughts when you unexpectedly find yourself with a larger meal than your companions when eating in public. Instead you are on a public forum seeking support to blame DH for he and his friend changing their minds about what they wanted to eat. That's pretty extreme on your part and shows how your eating disorder can lead to controlling behaviour in relationship.

It sounds like DH was playing host, so he had his friends wishes to factor in too, as well as meeting his own preferences ofc. It's also not unusual for any person who gets up and circulates to change their mind when they see what is on other plates.

I'd assume there was plenty going on so he just didn't think anything of it. Or even if he did hesitate, maybe it was busy, and he didn't want the rigmarole of reporting their changes back to you, seeing if you wanted to alter your order or not, then back again to a queue. Maybe he thought the extra consultation would make you more self-conscious in front of his friend, and was trying to avoid spiking your anxiety that way. There are so many completely normal and good faith reasons why DH acted as he did.

I suppose you could try to maintain control and therefore comfort by being the only one who gets up to order in future, thus ensuring that no-one else can change their minds from the agreed menu plan. An interim strategy only, because it's coercive.

I haven't noticed, but I don't expect other people to be policing my eating habits, so it probably doesn't register.

Are you obese? Is there any rational reason why people might think you are a greedy glutton because you ordered a cream tea?

Presumably if it was the sort of place that sells cream teas, there must have been other "greedy gannets" gorging on cakes and other creamy treats. Why would you stand out among them?

Maybe make a plan to avoid this happening again?

When DH says 'would you like a cream tea?', always answer 'only if you're having one'.

(Also covers the other annoying situation, where he goes for two cream teas, and comes back with a cream tea for you, and something much more delicious for him. Yes, this happened. Yes, I made him swap. Food is a competitive and emotive issue, ED or not.)

I think there’s a lot of assumptions and projection in this.

DH can be inconsiderate without being abusive. I can be upset that he’s been inconsiderate without being abusive.

I have strategies. One of those strategies is that I eat in line with, or less than, other people. That makes me feel more comfortable. I achieve that by ordering less than others or by ordering the same and only partially eating it. People cannot consider me gluttonous if they, themselves, had more. If I order on that basis and then their order is cancelled, the strategy doesn’t work. I don’t need help on strategies because I have the strategy.

The table was next to the counter, no one else queuing - he was about four feet away. He could’ve turned and asked without even moving. Surely there was nothing on anyone’s plate that made him think “I no longer want to eat anything at all”?

He knows I hate eating in front of others because regularly, if I’ve had a work dinner, I’ll be starving and double-dinner at home.

I think maybe you just need to accept this is a you problem and cut him some slack OP. It must be really exhausting for him to not be able to just change his mind about something as simple as a snack without it leading to a lecture from you about how that impacts YOUR day.

Also, you really need new strategies that don’t put work on someone else’s plate here. Your husband is allowed to change his mind without having to express that immediately to you, that’s part of life, it’s not fair to essentially make your strategies part of his mental load.

Your 'strategies' cannot involve controlling other people's behaviour. You can only seek to manage and change your own thoughts and your own behaviour. It sounds like you need an entirely new approach, one where your success is not contingent on coercing others, nor on blaming them when you fail.

But your strategies are not helping your mental health or learning to overcome your eating disorder. Your strategies are to lean into your disordered thinking by eating by rules and asking your husband to help manage your rules. You need to break and challenge the rules in order to overcome this.

My concern is that he did this to put you in a difficult position.

Thank goodness. I thought I was going mad. So many PPs feeling sorry for the DH having to deal with the ill-regulated OP.

What sort of person persuades a companion to come keep them company while they eat something, then only buys the something for the companion and sits there watching them eat it? It's weird.

Next time could you just ask your DH to share it with you?

I think it would be good to have a plan B like that for when your strategies don't work out.

It's great that you've made progress and can now eat socially. Don't let this derail you, keep pushing yourself to move forward.

He might just not be so aware of her eating disorder though because it seems like it mostly affects the OP at work.

YANBU

This would annoy me because why stop for it if you’re not going to eat it and if you’ve changed your mind, still ask if others still want it, especially if it something that would likely be to share.

OP, you have my sympathies. I’ve never had an ED, but I did grow up with people commenting on my portions, what I eat, how I eat and my body/weight.

My mother constantly made comments about me to others in front of me in public, family members the same when I visited them if food was involved, some openly watching me eat and commenting whether or not the portion was big or small. Dealing with that constantly as a child and teen, and it coming up even as an adult is aggravating. Had a colleague mention how I eat at work in front of others and I smiled through it, she didn’t mean any harm, but inside I just sighed because growing up like that, I hated having attention on me.

You’re right that people do judge and comment and plenty of threads on AIBU has proven that. The thread about people not eating all of their food at restaurants and how wasteful it is springs to mind.

Unfortunately for anyone who has any type of anxiety, MH issue, anything that they struggle with, AIBU is the worse place to post because there are always plenty of posters who will use whatever stated issue you’re working on against you and ignore the other factors to say yabu or because it doesn’t bother them, it shouldn’t bother you regardless if you have explained why. They’ll project and add things that aren’t there to suit their narrative so they can say they’re right with no evidence to the fact.

Your DH may have been thoughtless and distracted by his friend and if he is a good guy as you said and was inconsiderate, just ask him about it and let him know it made you uncomfortable and for next time, if he changes his mind, to let you know before he purchases.

Why are you putting risks of allergies like that "death"
Do you not agree or believe that there's a risk of death with allergens? Is your ED the only thing that matters and everyone has to acqueicse?
I didn't see the whole issue but had sympathy till that.

Your DH leaving you to eat alone is absolutely NOT the same as him lying to you about what is in your food. The former is inconsiderate, the latter is LTB.

I don't think it does you any good to liken the two - you're putting all the responsibility onto your DH, and as you have seen, he can make mistakes.

It's pretty clear from your updates OP that you're not really managing this at all, your strategies are rigid and inflexible. You can't control what other people are eating so you don't have issues with what is put in front of you.

It doesn't sound like it's a fun way to live for any of you.

I think he behaved horrifically in the circs.

However, try not to let this knock you. You've been doing fantastically! Keep going. Take this as a sign you've been so well with your progress he forgot how impactful this would be.

He owes you an apology but keep going!

I'm fully with you OP. It would have been a dick move to pull with anyone, but ten times more so when he knows your issues.
I suspect you didnt really want to eat it anyway, but said yes because your DP and friend were having one. I suspect your DP knows this.
In your situation I would have outright rejected it. With the perfectly good reason that you dont want to eat it if no-one else is having one. If DP tries to pull the same move again, just do this. Hopefully he'll learn.

100% agree.

Was it a cream tea or a half cream tea ?
as a cream tea ought to be 2 scones with cream and jam.

you mention that ' I nibble a bit and pass it over to DH ' so was there only one scone ? and you nibbled part of one scone, thus sounds like a half cream tea, and it also sounds like you were passing over a half eaten scone for dh to have to eat.
Otherwise if it had been a normal cream tea, surely you would have given dh a whole uneaten unnibbled scone for himself.

No one has an ED for fun.

YABU. This is a totally normal and benign action from your husband.

While people can empathise with your condition, they can never truly understand and feel the internal challenges you deal with.

It's important to be cognisant of that.