Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

You’re not wrong!

Buy them some plastic tat from pound land.

they are beggars and cheapskates

A very close relative (e.g my son / daughter having a baby etc) I would ask - what can I get you? - let them pick out the pram / car seat / cot or whatever they needed and I would gladly pay. I’d buy them some little surprises too.

anyone else having a baby - family or friend I would either buy a little book or toy or baby fro etc . No way am I buying off an expensive gift list - it is a token present

Baptism - I always buy a Bible book - as that’s what baptism is about . God - not expensive gifts.

I think people are very entitled nowadays and cheeky - I wouldn’t have dreamt of drawing up gift lists when I was pregnant especially not like the one in op where minimum spend is so expensive.

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I’ve been for 5 weddings over the past few years and not even had a thank you email- so rude

the baby gift thing I kind of get, they have an idea of what they find useful - just gift them what you have already purchased.

I. hated having useless stuff given for my baby because I knew it would be a waste , of course I said thank you and took it to charity shop or sold it .

Well…… the problem is with doing it your way is you could end up with the same thing- have a pile of wrapping waste and making a lot of charitable donations.

Saying that I wouldn’t make a list or ask for money, but most people seem to give either money, vouchers or send the receipt with the gift these days?

People don't want loads of tat they aren't going to use like nappy cakes, twenty "cute new baby photoframes", Mr and Mrs glasses. Equally, people don't tend to marry and then move in together so don't need stuff to set up a new home.

Money is the thing they need most. Whether for honeymoon or home improvement or for the child's future etc

No, I don't think it's cheeky at all. It's still just asking for what they want.

If the baby list is too expensive, give money.

And you got a thank you. Sorry that they didn't fawn all over you for being so generous

Re money - people definitely get more than if you buy a gift unless you are very careful. Upthread it says £300 for family. I don't think anyone other than a parent is giving a£300 present.

Oh my god that is so cheeky!

I got married 10 years ago and still can’t believe that not sending thank you cards seems to be the norm now- so rude.

I don’t see the generic email for a £200 is a proper ‘thank you’. I don’t think she wanted to be fawned over but it’s not difficult to send a personalised thank you. I’m pretty sure the bride and groom probably managed to write their names on the wedding invitation.

You asked them what they wanted and they told you.

I think with so many people setting up home prior to getting married, then there’s less need for presents at weddings, so I can kinda see why monetary gifts are requested, although I don’t like it. Not sending a thank-you card, or thanking you in person is rude though.

However, never heard it for children before. I’d ignore and just get a gift. It’s not up to other people to decide how you spend your money!

People will still give money/vouchers even if you don’t ask and actually if someone gave me £200 as a gift yes I would be fawning all over them! You’re clearly the sort of person OP is referencing.

You’re not BU Op. They sound grabby and classless.
I’m not sure it’s a generational thing though - people were asking for money, accompanied by a shitty little poem, when I got married 20 years ago.
We didn’t ask for money or any gifts but still got plenty which was much appreciated.

This! A generic email thanking everyone for their donations to your fund is not a thank you! It's worse than no acknowledgement at all as it strongly suggests" I cba to reply to you personally.'

I wonder if their invitations went out by email too, and they just replied to all with the same thank you message. Maybe even to those who did not donate!

When I was pregnant I did an amazon wish list with most things £5-£20. I also put couple of expensive bits £80-£100 on because I could purchase them at a discount afterwards.
To my surprise the expensive things were purchased.
I didn’t expect anything but made a wish list of things to give inspiration.

To basically demand money is cheeky!

I think this is endemic of an encroaching wider culture of 'celebrate everything that I am and everything that I do!' I go to weddings, I go to funerals, I go to (some) birthday parties - I don't go to baby showers, I don't go to engagement parties, I don't go abroad for a week for hen/hag dos, I don't go to 'graduations' from nurseries... it's all got so out of hand and it's so self-aggrandising.

If that makes me sound miserable, so be it. I celebrate with my closest loved ones in all manner of ways - I'm going to stay for a long weekend in a cottage in Somerset for a friend's 50th at the end of the month. It's 2.5 hours' drive from my home, I'm unofficial godmother to his children who will also be there, it'll only be the five of us and I can't wait. It's self-catering so we'll take enough stuff for our first night and then go and do a joint shop on the first morning, so it's all fair.

It's not that I don't like joining in other people's happiness or celebrating their job, but it's become such a money suck now, and every week there seems to be a new way of getting people to put their hands in their pockets just because we've reached a 'milestone' - which wouldn't have been considered a milestone 10-15 years ago (I'm close to your age @arcticpandas, I'm 46).

I went to a wedding two years ago - it was an old friend's second wedding - they expressly asked for people NOT to offer gifts because they have enough and they were genuinely just happy to share their second chance at love with the people they cared about the most. I bought them a bespoke lovespoon and had it engraved with their initials - didn't cost the earth, but I thought it was a nice token and is culturally something I do for people I care about. I had the nicest thank you card with a lovely photo enclosed showing where they had put it up in their house. A generic email is not a thank you - it's lacking effort.

I'm with you. For weddings I like a register giving towards gifts that last a lifetime and make a home for the couple. If they already have that then I think they don't really need wedding gifts. I'm 46 and still need homewares so I find it surprising / unbelievable that a 30yo has everything. I absolutely hate requests for money towards a holiday. So cheeky but at least it's a couple gift.

For babies a babygrow or little outfit is nice. Usually in bigger sizes or if you had children get something you found useful like a particular pram toy that worked well. I wouldn't buy off a list. If someone gave me a link to a register of expensive baby gear I'd ignore it.

People don't have to have tat. They can ask for and receive money gratefully. But if someone bothers to give you £200 or £300, you show a bit of thoughtfulness and give them 5 minutes of your time to say thank you to them, personally - by email, phone call or letter. If you can't spend 5 minutes doing that, then you shouldn't be keeping the money. It wasn't the price they paid to attend your special day. It was a gift from them to you personally - part of a relationship not a business transaction - and relationships involve a bit of effort from both sides.

In my social circle, registers or wishlist have become more common, and I can see why - it prevents things going to waste if it's just not something that the couple would use, or if it duplicates another gift or what they already have. However the people I know who have done this have always made a point of having a lot of low price items. Similarly it's common to request money towards a honeymoon rather than wedding gifts because of people living together, but there's been no comment on the amount and I've received personal a personal thank you. I think it's your friends/family that are the issue, rather than the trend!

Exactly. There is quite a difference between getting a personal thank you e-mail (takes 2 minutes) or a generic one. Don't think that qualifies as "fawning"..

You aren’t being unreasonable. Not close family tried same this end. Two babies born in last 14 months. As a giver. Hardest thing was to not send even a card but where do you draw the line? It’s not appreciated and all just expected. They’ve never personally bought my DC anything and so don’t mind being slated. Why does every hanger on have to give so much for their private life events?

"I will give what I want to give. How dare you ask for what you need"

Comes across as very much the gift is about you giving it rather than the person receiving it

You're not far wrong.

Somewhere along the lines with these people manners and consideration have bred out and entitlement has taken its place.

They had a thank you

They didn't deem it good enough

Saying "I gave £200, I expected a personal thank you" is very much expecting fawning for being so generous

I find couples requesting money as a wedding gift tacky, especially because that’s what most people do these days anyway.

A relative of mine and his fiancée sent e-invites with a link for guests to contribute to the cost of their dream honeymoon in the Maldives! They didn’t go to the Maldives but did get his and her cosmetic surgery in Turkey.