Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

I'm also not a fan of gender reveals and baby showers mind.

I think a gift for a baby can be given when the baby arrives. And if the new parents are so tired they only stick a thank you in a group chat at 1am in the morning, I don't care. They're busy, they have other stuff going on and I know they're thankful

They did say thank you

She recieved a thank you. She didn't deem it good enough because it didn't say her name.

I am 35 and I agree.

I kind of understand regarding wedding gifts as couples often live together before marriage now. If we were asked we said we don't need gifts but if you would like to give, a contribution to the honeymoon/ our future would be much appreciated. Every guest got a personal, handwritten thank you card telling them what we spent it on (e.g. we used it to buy a delicious meal in Florence, or we're putting it towards our first house deposit, depending on the amount)

My friends who have had babies haven't been CFs but I've been shocked to see people complaining online that someone (usually PILs) has broken a "rule" by buying a toy or clothes that don't fit their "aesthetic".

I'm not buying Montessori wooden artisan toys in shades of beige for £50 for your kid just because you're not yet experienced enough to know that kids hate expensive wooden artisan toys and that muted tones wooden rainbow you think is going to win you a world's most sophisticated parent award is actually going to gather dust on a corner until you try and fail to sell it on Vinted.

I like registers because I can be sure I am buying something the couple will like, and I like being told specifically what to get by new parents for the same reason. I don't mind being asked to contribute to something like a holiday, exactly, because if that's what they want it's what they want, but it's not something I would really feel comfortable doing myself. I don't know that any of that makes sense but it's how I feel!

I am getting married very soon, and we didn't say anything on the invite about the presents. Some relatives reached out and asked what to get us, is it ok to say give us money as contribution to the honeymoon?
Or is it also rude ?

Giving to people has nothing to do with expecting a “gushing thank you in return “. I don’t know what you mean by that phrase. But a personal thank you, yes, not a generic one. I find that lazy and rude.

Fgs - why wouldn’t you?? I love thanking people and actually it’s one of life’s pleasures. Your harsh attitude has just made me realise that - so, I thank you!

I used to say this to DCs after Christmas & birthdays. I'd also point out that Auntie or Uncle would be less inclined to send presents in future if they weren't thanked. I used to dread Boxing Day as DH always had a rugby thing & it was my job to sit the DCs down to write the 'Dear Auntie X, thank you for the xxx...' letter. I would get them to phone as many people as possible to thank them personally - especially as I was having to call to thank them for my present.

If you think sending people personalised messages/notes/cards after a big event by way of a thank you is faffing, then you don’t have a clue about manners. Some things are worth the ‘faff’. Good to see you managed to post something without using the words ‘fawning’ or ‘gushing’. Well done👍

YANBU. I don’t like being dictated to over what to give people. If people say they don’t want anything except money I will give them some money but still get a gift.

I think having a gift registry (these have been around since before the internet) is fine and can be helpful but I think a small note/link to it is enough and that it should be clear that gifts/money aren’t a requirement. I think a variety of price level gifts available on the list is also useful.

I do think it’s sad people don’t write thank you’s much anymore although saying that (I’m probs one generation older than the demographic you mentioned) I can think of many thank you wedding cards I’ve received and many thank you/welcome baby cards. I wouldn’t necessarily expect more than a quick thank you text from a new mum though.

Im definitely more offended by people who say they don’t want anything except money gifts 😅

It’s totally normal in my world. I always email after someone has invited me to a meal or a party, or given me a present. All my friends do the same. I/we used to write cards - not a chore either.

Please don’t judge the rest of us by your standards.

It does have to do with recieved thanks and expecting a level of thanks if you moan about not receiving a good enough thank you

I have only seen "you don't have to give us anything but if you'd like to put money towards..." (usually the honeymoon) messages about wedding presents on the invitation, which seems sensible as people are already set up. We did the same for our wedding 25+ years ago and some people did and some still gave a gift. I prefer giving money TBH, it's simpler all round and it's what they want.

We've had quite a few babies born to friends and family over the last couple of years and we've never been asked for money or an actual gift. I usually ask the grandmother (the mum's mum) for a hint of what they might need/appreciate and get that. The last time I did this, recently, she knew they wanted something specific and offered to pay something towards it (I declined). I don't expect to be asked for a gift (personally I think that is rude) and it would really put my nose out of joint to be asked for money.

Its perfectly normal anywhere but MN

Writing cards of thanks to everyone... so adding to the every mounting piles of rubbish the world is drowning under?

Lol, that's funny

Also in many cultures it's expected to give money, but the amounts quoted by OP are generous ones (I assume it was for 2 people attending).

It's a faff. And sending cards and paper notes it a waste of the world's dwindling resources

I'm glad my friends and family are more understanding of how precious time is and that I'd rather spend actual time with them than sit writing personalised thank yous when a message in a group chat/email to all does the same job

The other side of the coin

Yes a personal thank you should be expected when you’ve just been given £200~300.

A list is a great imo.
But a list with nothing less than £50~60? Very entitled imo. It’s assuming that people will have the spare money many times over to paid that money each time Theres a new baby. Unless you’re VERY close, that would be a NO from me.

But also…
Monetary gifts like this are also opening the door to judging ‘oh look how cheap they are. They only gave us £10 for the baby/£100 for the wedding’ type of comments.
Youre not allowed to actually gift something (aka think about something theyd like, find something special etc….). Not just generic, soulless, money. That’s not personally why I give a gift in those circumstances.
And it feels grabby tbh. You dint need anything? Great! Considered yourself extremely lucky. Imo it’s no different than all the various schemes to make guests pay for the wedding tbh

I find the new baby registry/cash cheeky, but not for weddings. I think it would be cheeky to go to a wedding without a gift. Does anyone actually ever read “your presence is our present” and actually not give anything? And I’d much rather give cash or something they actually needed than trying to think of something to gift.

At the very least, a personal email.
A phone call.
Whatever floats your boat but an individual response to what was a big gift of £200.

No, it's a different outlook from different generations...

When I got married back in the '90s, everyone got a handwritten thank you note, no matter what they gave us. That's how we were brought up: a neighbour gives you a tea towel as "a minding" [as they still say round my way]? You write a thank you note.

Yes, it's a bit of a chore but it's good manners.

I don’t know how old you are, but in ‘my day’ in the 80’s and 90’s a proper thank you note would be expected and most likely received. Obviously email wasn’t around back then, but a photocopied general letter would be viewed the same as an email, with surprise at the rudeness and lack of effort and appreciation for a gift.
I think that the view that it is unreasonable to expect anything more is just a reflection of the social and moral decline we see daily in this country.

I do think you are being a little unreasonable. Having a gift register is nothing new, although I'm surprised you know so many people who use them now, as most people suggest if you wish to give something (particularly as a wedding present), money or vouchers would be most valued. Saying that, is sounds like the couple who sent you multiple emails about different ways to give money as a present were just disorganised and should have made options clear when sending the invitation. I also think everyone who gives a gift should receive a personal thank you card.

I know this still shocks me.
2 x wedding abroad’s in recent years with generous gifts and not so much as an individual thank you message

Yes they should send 50 individual emails if they’re nit sending physical cards or letters .
Why? Because it’s good manners!!