Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

Gifts are not compulsory so I would feel free to ignore these requests. You could still give them a gift of your own choosing if you like, and their response (if any) will determine the level of CF that's going on.

I think we know who didn't send thank you cards.

So you are one of these people who don't acknowledge other people's time, thought effort and cost. You'll happily accept their kind gift but don't bother to send them a personalised thank you?; If you can be arsed you might send a generic email in order not to waste more than 2 minutes of your precious time. You really are a sign of the times, and you'll probably be on here in a year or 2 complain that nobody seems to give gifts these days.

But, but, but I want to be special for a day like a fairy princess, and you're allowed to pay for it!

That’s because our generation didn’t get to buy our homes for 30k and get handed everything for next to nothing, so forgive us for needing more assistance 🙄

Of course I accept your generation have had it tougher than (say) me in the property market but it cuts both ways. My wage in my mid 20s was just over £4K and that was pretty average!

I'm not that old (45). We were able to buy 13 years ago (with 25 year mortgage). I still don't expect people to send me/my children money/gifts and if they do I have the decency to thank them.

Strange then that the seem to have loads of time available to compile their very prescriptive lists at registries if their time is so very valuable.

That’s not an excuse for being rude, demanding gifts and not bothering to give thanks. It also wasn’t the golden age you seem to think. People didn’t have so many things and didn’t expect them. My parents and many of their peers could only afford their first homes by taking in lodgers for a few years and it was normal to only have two or three pairs of shoes.

You always know you’ve hit the nail on head when you get quoted by several people.
I imagine they’re tetchy, defensive responses, not going to read them, but do crack on, doesn’t make what I said any less true 👍🏻

I would get all of them absolutely nothing and I'm the type of person buys even an acquaintance a gift for their new baby because I got precious feck all for mine. The entitlement is absolutely crazy. I wouldn't enable that or add to it. Just refuse to partake.

Your comment seemed to seek to try and justify rude and entitled behaviour. There is never an excuse for that. And while I agree that it’s unfair that young people have a hard time buying a property these days, it’s not their parents’ fault. Also if their parents do own a property they know they will inherit one day.

I've said this before - I'm lucky in that I was able to buy my own home in a cheaper area and to pay for it over 27 years. I bought this place in 1986.

The living room, stairs, upper hallway and bedrooms still have the original floor coverings - the one in the living room is a delightful swirly orange 1970s carpet and my furniture is largely second hand.

I'm not dong a Yorkshire men parody sketch, but I was struck by your comment about shoes. When I was a child, I had one pair of shoes which lasted until I outgrew them and needed the next pair. I did get boots for the winter.

Also one pair of plimsoles for gym. I do have more these days... (Easy B wider fitting for orthotics, I'm afraid.)

I recall taking Mum's funeral shoes to be re-heeled one time and the cobbler quipping that they'd gone out with the ark. Mum wasn't best pleased when I told her that.

I agree. We did without cars and foreign holidays. Eating out was a real treat. We had second hand furniture for years and did our own decorating. Far fewer clothes.
This generation want all of these things NOW and expect to buy a house. People discard perfectly good stuff 'because we have changed our colour scheme' It's a throwaway society. There are very different expectations these days.

People (adults and kids) don’t seem to thank people for things anymore.
After Christmas and birthdays, I used to have to sit down and write thank you letters to everyone who got me a gift. It was definitely done more in the 80s and early 90s.

I was given lots of knitted matinee jackets and bonnets when I had dc and to be honest they were used to dress dolls and teddies as a full time working mum I didn't have the time to do a special woollens wash on top of the other loads.

I did appreciate the knitted blankets which are still used many years later

Added thought: I was trying to think when the last time I saw a baby in knitted clothes was and I can't remember. Older children in jumpers, hats and scarves but not toddlers and babies.

Its not a case of someone fawning over you. A little thank you would suffice. To me it is about respect.

I'm 42, so same generation as you and I am a late mother, had mine at 38, he is 3.5. We did get money as a gift, clothes and toys, but I never asked anyone to bring or gift anything, everything was given by their own choice and I am so grateful for everything and everyone who thought of my little one, to bring something. It's absolutely outrages how some newlyweds and new parents are these days.

Wow 😮 what a rude and entitled response!
Long gone are the days of buying a house for peanuts, and what makes this poster think that OP or most people in their 40s and 50s have been given everything on a plate!
oh woe is me, I’m so hard done by! 🙄🙄🙄

Haha 🤣 found one of the 5% minority who voted YABU!

Have posted on this thread already, but looking at some more replies, I think people have forgotten the meaning of the word “tat”.

“Tat” to me means something low value, low quality, of very little worth.

It doesn’t mean anything you wouldn’t have chosen youself, or weren’t going to buy anyway. It doesn’t cover thoughtfully chosen keepsakes for a baby - christening presents were traditionally something that the baby might come back to and find more value in age 18. They weren’t considered useless if not of immediate use and value to the parents of said child - eg cash given to them, baby clothes etc

Much as I’ve said up thread that people do have to think about whether their gift is something a person would want to receive, or whether it’s instead just something that’s enjoyable to buy (avoiding the latter), I do think dismissing traditional gifts as “tat” - such as the pp’s thoughtful chosen and engraved silver cup - is very rude and ignorant.

The pp who described people’s gifts which were not specifically as requested as ‘tat’ comes over to me as extremely spoiled, entitled, grabby and materialistic.

They see things in a completely transactional way. “Just shut up, buy the stuff you’ve been told to buy and don’t expect anyone to waste their valuable time thanking you!’

I’m quite bowled over by their sensitivity and charm, their subtle, nuanced understanding of personal relationships and their warmth and courtesy.🤣

Is the "Registar" sorry Register the same as the old wedding list that was the custom when I married?
I would also say that a personally written thankyou card was the norm, regardless of the size of cheque or present given.
I hasten to add that I am as old as the hills; however, good manners and expectations have hopefully not changed, but sadly, it would appear that they have in some instances.

No it's total bollocks and ignorant.

I imagine you have been quoted so often because people are putting you right - having lived through it.