Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

YANBU ,it's very cheeky.
We have two weddings this year. One sent a link to a page where you pay money towards their honeymoon. You had to buy things, such as afternoon tea for two, a couple's massage, etc., all really expensive. We ignored it and gave them cash, but got no thank you.
For the other wedding, on the invitation they state that they don't expect any gift as they have been together a while and have what they need. We gave them a gift card so they can treat themselves to something. We gave them considerably more than we gave the money-grabbing CFs. We got a lovely thank you card too!

If i couldn't attend a baby shower i wouldn't send a gift i would just buy something when the baby comes

Wow! Do you have any manners at all?

Definitely this.
Giving details of gift registers/lists/bank details for money transfers etc WITHOUT BEING ASKED FIRST is incredibly rude.
You should never assume someone wants to give you a present, and should express gratitude for anything you receive.

I don’t think it’s an awful idea but it depends how it is done as to whether I find it cheeky. We’ve been to weddings which have the “your presence is gift enough, but if you do want to give something then money towards xyz would be much appreciated” on the invites and I don’t think that’s bad really. People live together before getting married now, they don’t need items really so I think suggesting if you do want to give a gift, although don’t have to, money is appreciated.

The baby thing again, I think it depends how its done. We have a toddler and it never occurred to me to do a list or anything like that, didn’t ask or expect anyone to buy anything for our baby, some people did buy gifts for her and we ended up with lots of newborn or 0-3 clothes that never got worn because she grew too fast or just had too many, so they did go to waste in that we never used them. Now pregnant with baby number 2 and was hoping maybe those items could be used for this baby, but this one is a boy so won’t be wearing a pink “new baby girl” sleepsuit😂 I can see the benefit if you have people asking what you need/want in letting them know what you need so that at least you do get things that are useful. I have a friend who had made a baby gift list thing on Amazon which had things they needed on & she let people know it existed in a “if you do want to get us something then here’s some ideas but no pressure” way, the list had items for a few £ like baby shampoo up to I think from memory a baby carrier £85 was the most expensive thing on there, most things I would say were around £10-15, again I don’t think this is bad.

BUT I was invited to a colleague’s baby shower a couple of months ago which had a “gift” QR code on it, scanning that took you to her 3 baby registries and similar to you OP the cheapest thing on any of them was around the £80 mark and I thought that was just really cheeky.

£300 each! No way would I ever gift so much or could even afford to! £200 for a friend's child!!!
I think you're bonkers giving so much!

Back when it seemed people actually had manners you sent a written personal thank you card to everyone who bought a gift. Now you can't even be bothered with an email. Entitled CFs.

Ah. That changes things then. Thats incredibly rude.

Now there are babies this might become an annual thing, actually you have baby birthday and wedding anniversary

It’s so everything is high net worth for the ‘gram’ account

Baby showers and gender reveals are honestly the most entitled thing. No one enjoys going to these - sitting around with a load of people you probably don’t know for what reason? It’s just so the mother to be can get gifts. It’s so grabby. Just wait until the baby is here when people at least may get to look at or cuddle a cute baby instead of sniffing a nappy rubbed in marmite - makes me cringe.

Good idea about about a Bible gift as that is the meaning of the event and not a gift grab. I say that as somebody without religious belief.

It’s an extremely practical way of making sure you don’t get given things you might have already got or just don’t want … but it’s also tacky as heck imo. So YANBU.

In the old days (I’m the same age as you OP) you smiled at whatever the gift was, sent a thank you card or at least a personalised text/email - and if it was something you’d already got or you disliked it, you just gave it to a charity shop 🤷‍♀️.

Can someone help an old biddy out, please…… What’s the etiquette with baby showers - if you give a gift, would you still be expected to give another gift when the baby actually arrives?

As for gender reveal parties………. the mind boggles. My brain cannot compute the degree of entitlement…

They don't have to " fawn all over you". A polite thank you demonstrates gift or cash was received and acknowledged. ( like a receipt or evidence that something was given or paid) Other than that the guest is just a transaction at a wedding.

The Happy Couple at the last wedding I attended used a gift website and had lots of ideas which were mostly quite reasonably priced. There were some items for around £20, and went up to about £200. They had also made it clear that they had no expectations of gifts and had only set it up as so many people had indicated that they wanted to buy one.
I chose a couple of mid range items and duly paid for them months before the wedding. The acknowledgment from the company said they would be delivered shortly after the wedding, which was fine.
The only problem was that the company did not tell me that the items had actually been delivered, and the couple didn’t do individual thank you messages, so I have no idea if they actually got my gifts.
I don’t want or need gushing thanks, but I would have liked to know that they arrived.

I don't like it - but I've had to vote YABU based on your voting criteria. You can't really say they are pressuring peoplw to give more than they can afford. They could transfer £10 if they wanted and ignore the gift lists.

I have no problem in giving money rather than a present that's unwanted for weddings if people don't have a list. However a personalised thank you is the least I expect. A generic email would piss me off.
Sending same email to all wedding guests for baby money is defo CF'ery of the highest order.

However even 30 or 40 years ago in France a baby list or Liste de Naissance was de rigueur to ensure anybody who wanted to give a present didn't give something not needed. 25 packs of 3 baby grows is a bit much.

We hand wrote thank you cards to everyone who gave us a wedding present, @UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld - that is simple good manners, not ‘fawning over’ people.

We did have a gift registry, but made sure there were plenty of cheap things on there - and our friends knew there was no expectation that they gave us anything. 33 years on we are still using things we were given.

That said, I can understand why people might prefer money/vouchers, but it is uber-cheeky to suggest guests might send money and put cash in a box at the wedding too.

It may be a generational thing, but I’m with you. A very wealthy friend of mine married a few years ago, they have had their own house paid for twenty odd years or so, holiday five or six times a year etc. I was very put out to receive an invite saying could we give them money towards their honeymoon. So, I bought them a voucher to a restaurant I know they like. I heard from others that a “round robin” email had been sent to some given money, but in my case, they sent a pic of them in the restaurant enjoying the meal which was nice. Im finding that all the time people are wanting money for this and that. The daft thing is, I love buying little pressies for friends when I see things they would like, it gives me great pleasure. But being put on WhatsApp groups of about 30, asking for money for someone’s birthday, some person you hardly know at the gym or whatever, I just ignore them now. Asked to put for flowers last week for someone I don’t even know!

Acknowledging someone with their name on an email or card means that they will remember you compared to others who don't. This means they won't make much effort for you at any point in the future should you ever have a query or request. It is like spreading " a good vibe" in today's terminology. It creates a social favouritism.

A personal thank you.

Nothing to do with a “good enough thank you”

The older I get the more I understand that good manners are what makes life bearable and pleasurable. I’ve been in all kinds of scenarios where manners (or lack of them) has made a massive difference to people.

Maybe you feel they’re pointless in your circle, or your generation, but I learned ages ago that older people particularly appreciate being thanked. Why? Partly because we’re all so affluent now, but those people grew up when times were harder and less materialistic. To them presents are still really special and I know some old people give generously when it might be hard for them. A personal sincere thank you which might involve a teensy bit of time and trouble is very much appreciated.