Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

A generic email from an email list isn’t ’a good enough thank you’.
Its telling loud and clear
‘oh fuck now we have to thank them too. It’s a faff agd a pain. Let’s go fur tge easiest way to rid of the issue wo looking entitled/rude’.
It’s not about about a not good enpugh thank you because it’s not a thank you. It’s a vague nod to what is cinsudered ‘polite’ but that people only do because they have to,
Like a 3yo saying ‘Thank Yooooou’ with a winning voice because they’ve been forced to. They dint mean it.

I so agree with you! I hate this baby reveal thing.

I'm lucky that it wasn't a certain thing when I was having babies, though was asked by the sonographer if I would like to know & I said no because it made no difference, the baby was very much wanted & I wasn't bothered about their gender. I was later told by a friend who was a nurse that they would only offer to tell you the gender of the baby (we're talking 42 years ago) if they could see a penis so I knew that it was likely that I was having a boy. But I didn't let on to anyone - only my DH.

Pretty standard (in my world) as long as you are polite about it.

As I just said upthread, we did nearly 30 years ago and no-one turned a hair. We did say "it's not necessary, but..." Some did still give gifts anyway. No-one gave nothing. One close family member said they would prefer a gift to cash and gave us a set of glasses, which, although obviously kind of them to give anything, we didn't need and they've now all been smashed. They and their spouse are notoriously stingy so we wondered if they maybe didn't want us to know the amount they spent! I can't remember what the glasses looked like now but the thing we suggested that people put money towards still makes me smile and I still really appreciate it.

Also congratulations 💐

I hate this attitude from people nowadays . There’s just no thought or gratitude anymore . I personally think if you’ve given someone £300 and they can’t be bothered to say a proper thank you then they are rude and they don’t deserve another penny .

Manners are going down the pan and it’s really sad . No one gives a shit about anyone else but themselves and what they can get from a situation . I’m dreading the next generation growing up :(

If you could see his handwriting, you wouldn't even ask! But I did insist that he signed the cards.

I have yet to be invited to a gender reveal @Ilovepastafortea and @UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld but refuse to go to baby showers (can't think of anything worse). I give a gift to the new baby when I see it.

I have sent some handmade gifts (useful and nice, promise) to couples who have had babies, it’s lovely when you receive a personalised thank you.

a couple never said thank you whatsoever which isn’t great but nevermind

It seems I’m not alone in feeling that, if someone has given you a gift, it’s good to show appreciation for their thoughtfulness, time, or generosity, by taking a couple of minutes to send them a quick personal thank you.

After receiving a gift, you’d have to be pretty selfish to think “I’m not faffing about and wasting my valuable time - it’s about me, not them”.

OP, I’m with you. I think handwritten letters are lovely, but it doesn’t take long to set up a template, copy and paste, then change some relevant details to personalise an email. The generic mailing list message feels lazy and entitled; I wouldn’t be inspired to be generous to people who are demanding and impolite!

Not normal at all, for the wedding or the baby gifts.
They are rude CF's.

For weddings and baby gifts we have always received a photo card of either wedding or the baby with a thank you printed on said card.
This seems so much easier than years ago as I remember sitting writing thank you notes using my wedding book where I had written down what gifts we had received and who had given them. A very tedious task and was so glad when I had finished. Nearly as bad as sending out Christmas cards which I no longer do.

do the money thing.
transfer 50p

The last wedding I was invited to, I didn't actually know the happy couple, I knew one of their relatives. However the invitation appeared and I was quite touched, then a request for money fell out of it and I was stunned. Contrast that with a relative of mine who didn't include a wedding list because (according to his mother) 'he thinks it's cheeky'.

IMO, you wait until you are asked what you would like and you don't ask for money unless that's your cultural norm. Vouchers are fine.

We are in our early 30s and got married last year, we let our guests know we only wanted to share our day with them and didn't expect anything more. Some people did give us gifts and money and we were incredibly grateful. We sent everyone who came to the wedding a handwritten thank you card. We are now expecting a baby and wouldn't dream of asking for anything from anyone but again, would appreciate the thoughtfulness of any gift our child receives.

We've never been to a wedding or babyshower that specifically asks for money or high priced products but I can see how off putting it would be, we've both grown up with "it's the thought that counts" being the most important thing!

2 people attending, I've never heard of couple gifts needing to be bigger than those of an individual. If your invite is for a couple that's one gift

@ChocolateCinderToffee

IMO, you wait until you are asked what you would like and you don't ask for money unless that's your cultural norm.

👍👍

I think money for weddings now is the norm so that wouldn't bother me. I would rather give money so the couple can use the money for something useful. However, asking upfront for guests to pay funds into an account I think is cheeky..

I hate people trying to force guests to buy particular things for a new baby though. I think that is entitled behaviour, I certainly never asked for anything , and was greatful for anyone who bought a gift for my baby at the time. I am of this generation you speak of, we aren't all like this.

My parents had a registry for their wedding, and they were married in 1983. Both from very working-class families, didn't have a honeymoon. I know they got a shit-ton of presents though. Most of them were "useful" things but a lot of them were expensive. It may seem more tacky to ask for money, but when you're already living together, you're less likely to have a need for the sorts of things my parents asked for. But wedding registries are not at all new.

Never ever heard of anyone asking for money for a baby or having a "registry" for that, though.

Yeah, oh I dunno, I’d hazard a wild guess that they wouldn’t suffer TOO much if you closeted yourself away for an hour or two writing thank you notes.

The only time I was ever invited to a baby shower, I made an excuse not to go because I was chatting to my mother about it and we both for whatever reason felt it was a bit of a "tempting fate" behaviour. I will admit we're both a bit superstitious, but then the mum tragically lost her baby during labour at 41 weeks due to marginal cord insertion. So now I'm definitely never ever going to a baby shower!!

This is such a good point! I agree, our babies received some lovely clothes/accessories/toys from different shops from where we live. Also things we didn’t know about as first time parents which were really useful! Great for little ones to try out some different things.

Our two nieces, one mine, one his, asked for money when they got married. One towards a 3 week exotic honeymoon in Asia (a holiday we couldn't have afforded) as they didn't need anything. The other asked for money to refurbish their kitchen (I would have liked to do up my own kitchen). Think we gave them £100 each. We also spent a few hundred on travel and hotels. I think we got generic thank you emails. Both young women left their husbands within a year of the weddings. One because she was annoyed her husband didn't want children, and one because she decided she is a lesbian. Both situations were avoidable you'd think. It does seem entitled and immature

I would never give money but I would tell them I never give money
with the reason so they are in no doubt

Id then buy something

300 euros. Wow. Where do you live and what's your income

If someone gifts you £300 it's rude as hell not to send a personal thank you. I would send a personal thanks for any gift.

Sadly, it seems to be pretty much the norm these days.

Whereas in the past the norm was to send a thank-you card with a personal message, usually accompanied by a photo from the wedding.

I still feel that a personalised email that refers to the gift and includes a photo is not too much to expect.