Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

“Fawn pathetically over people “ = thanking them personally.

Tell me you’re ignorant, rude and arrogant without telling me etc etc

Oh and - which charm school did you go to?

I was married 46 years ago. And yes, I did sit and hand write 50+ thank you cards.
People had more manners then.

There is a difference between courtesy and fawning (courtesy does not involve mass emails and it is not fawning to thank somebody individually). I guess you didn't get the memo.

@UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld You're expecting them to fanny around sending potential 50+ personalised emails

For a wedding? Yes. Do people genuinely not do that any more?

YANBU and not normal. I'm in my 30s and lots of friends and family members now have children, never heard of asking for money!

Coke and small token gifts don’t make a person shell out £300, these comparisons are not equal in effort or generosity.

Yes. That you gave to make other people happy. Not to get a gushing thanks in return.

They sent a thank you. There was thanks.

P.s. have received personalised hand-written thank yous for all wedding gifts!

You’re probably using the wrong word anyway. As far as I’m aware, to fawn means to praise insincere attention and that’s not what the OP wants.

It's clearly a generational thing expecting a proper thank you, because as you say, it would take a long time to write sincere thank yous. A lot of us already know that because we wrote thank yous when we got married/had babies/christenings etc.

I wouldn't give someone £300 for a wedding gift because that's so much. And if I recieved it I'd think the person was just showing off

I've also given £50, which is a lot for me to afford. I didn't expect gushing thanks then either

Fawning to me means being given extra attention and praise and thanks

People appreciate that time is a commodity nowadays. They can send an email which thanks everyone and not waste 3 hours of their day writing personal thank yous to everyone. Then they have time for everything else they have to fit in.

I got my first baby shower invitation recently. I can’t go but checked with others who’d been invited and they’re still sending a gift. So I will too. The linked list has some verrry expensive things. Like a £240 bouncer! The mum is arranging the shower herself which I thought wasn’t the done thing.
I got a boring thing from the list but it’s a shame I don’t get the fun of choosing a cute outfit or toy and bringing it along when I get to meet the baby.

I’ve also been to a few weddings in last couple of years and have received lovely personal messages. Also for gifts I’ve bought for babies and toddlers. I must know gracious people.

Maybe it’s technology. There’s an app for everything now so it’s easy to put a wish list together. Not like when I got married and had to make an appointment at Debenhams!

No

People send a thank you which covers everyone

Heck the last one I went to, she popped a thank you on FB and highlighted the personalised gift from one guest. I too had done a personlised gift. I didn't feel slighted. I knew she was grateful, I didn't need her gushing on FB or sending me messages to know that. And that wasn't why I gave her that gift either.

I never seem to be more amazed at CF these days.

I'm in my mid-60's & when DH & me got married we had a list of stuff that we would like, but we were grateful for whatever we were given. Never occurred to us to ask for money. We moved into our first house with a mattress on the floor, a TV, no fridge & a camping stove to cook on. But we had some lovely Dartington glasses to drink from & Royal Worcester plates to eat our fish & chips from. 😂 Were we bothered? Heck no! We had each other & we could save for everything that we needed. My PIL gave us a bed that they were replacing, we bought a fridge for £20 from an ad in the local paper, a 3 piece suite from the same for about £50 & went from there. We look back on it as one of the happiest times of our lives.

When DCs were born we never asked for anything, but we were overwhelmed at the presents that we received - babygros, little outfits, hand knitted blankets, cardigans etc. A cousin arrived with a bin bag full of clothes to fit from birth until first DS was 3 - DS2 & DD wore them & then we passed them on. We were so grateful for everything.

As I say, never occurred to us to ask for anything. But then this was before Baby Showers, fancy hen/stag parties etc.

I think it's sad that it seems to be just ask, ask, ask these days. At every point relatives & friends are expected to put their hands into their pockets.

Not in my experience, personal thank yous still very much exist in my world.

Expecting personal thanks because you were just so generous is pathetic

Only on MN are people so whingy about thank yous and not asking for money and performative gift giving

I think suggesting money politely "your presence is enough but if you'd like to....contribution to our honeymoon" is the norm now and I think it's fine.

I wouldn't call that pressuring. There is a way to do it, does sound like your relatives were a bit much if they're asking for money with specific instructions at every life stage.

Asking explicitly for money is a bit crass but also if you asking for a contribution to honeymoon, then you're effectively just asking for money anyway.

I think people ask for money because even a small basic wedding is extortionate and they also don't want to end up with loads of stuff that they don't want or need.

Yeah I suppose they could just get married in a registry office with a handful of guests but I'd much rather my nieces and nephews ask for money and invite me in the future than not, because I think that's what it comes down to in this day and age when weddings and houses are so unaffordable.

I'm the younger generation you describe. I didn't ask for money again my wedding, I didn't mention gifts on my invite. I just told my mum if any of her relatives ask what to get me then say cash or vouchers but I didn't want to ask for money because it didn't feel in the spirit of gift giving but to be honest I don't blame people for suggesting money because my wedding was "modest" by today's standard and it still cost me £15k. Luckily, my husband had a well paid job so we could afford it, but only just and if I couldn't afford it I would have just had a very small wedding, like immediate family and a handful of friends and that's it.

You’re not being unreasonable given that this has been your experience, but it hasn’t been ours. I’m only 5 years younger than you. We didn’t ask anybody for anything when DS (2.5) was born a couple of years ago - I bought most of what we needed while I was still pregnant. If anybody asked if we needed anything or what they could buy us, I was very grateful and made modest suggestions. This would be things like bath toys, board books etc. I have to admit we didn’t send handwritten thank you notes because it was chaos with a newborn as a FTM but I did thank people individually either over text or in person. Most of the weddings I’ve been to for people in my social circle (similar age range, +/- 5 years or so) have not asked for money or given bank details. One couple said they had everything they need but as they loved reading, would love it if each of the guests could give them a copy of their favourite book. I thought that was a lovely idea!

Not sure if the recipients you’ve mentioned are much younger, have a different lifestyle to us, or we / our social circle are just outliers? I can see from the thread that your experience is more common than mine!

I was married 46 years ago. And yes, I did sit and hand write 50+ thank you cards.
People had more manners then.
I hope your DH had similar manners to you and did the same number of thank you cards!

I have been to 4 weddings since June last year, 2 monetary and 2 gifts from a list, and have received personal cards from each couple so no decline in standards noticed. My DNiece and her DH did take almost 10 months to send their 'thank you' but it did eventually arrive.
I would rather buy things people actually want than contribute to landfill.

Guess who didn't thank people properly for their gifts/donations after their wedding!

A personal thank you isn't fawning btw, it's good manners.

It's pathetic to complain people didn't use their valuable time to write to you specially and thank you for being just so generous

It's selfish to give expecting them to be oh so grateful that you deemed them worthy of such gifts

Gift giving is about appreciating and celebrating the person receiving, whether its marking their birthday, thanking them for an unexpected favour, marking their wedding etc. It's about them not you

Not married

Wouldn't faff around sending individuals thank yous when an email/text to all would be exactly the same message...

Good grief. Receiving a gift and not saying thank you is just plain rude. The end.

Where did OP said she expected to be "fawned over"?

She just expected a thank you note which is just basic good manners.

For info - yes, DH & me wrote our thank you cards together. I bought a load of 'thank you' cards, had a list of who gave us what & we divided them between us to say Dear XXX thank you for the lovely XX which will come in very useful (or whatever), and thank you for joining us at our wedding' passing the pile to the other to add ...love from Pasta