Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

You always need baby clothes though? And I always send a gift receipt with a gift so they can change it if they already have it / don't like it. And if they want a gift list they could atleast include less expensive items for those who are struggling but still want to offer something.
I should add that none of these couples (well off) have ever got my sons anything. Nada. When incited to birthdays they get up besides their mum who offers a gift to make it out as if it's from all of them. They are tight which makes the CFuckery even more revolting. The most generous is an aunt who is retired and struggling but always finds little gifts that are thoughtful and personal which beats expensive in my book every day.

I'm your age, when we got married we received random vouchers, cash and gifts having stated we didn't need anything, and every gifted received a handwritten thank you card.

Same for babies, parents bought use some bigger items but friends sent mostly clothing gifts, Next, Mothercare etc. Again, personal thank yous for every gift.

The world is generally more entitled and unfortunately more grabby these days, I.blame SM

I don't ask for anything. I'm happy to trust people.

I also think if you give exessively and expect fawning over then you are giving for your own gratification rather than to make the person happy

When I give gifts, be it a small handmade token or buying a Coke when out or whatever, I'm doing it for the person. Not the praise

If only. I didn't ask. Since I have 2 children already I had plenty ideas. Then out of the blue I got the gift list per mail.

@Arlanymor has hit the nail 💯 I think this is endemic of an encroaching wider culture of 'celebrate everything that I am and everything that I do!'

Think I’m at ‘yeh me’ fatigue stage…for decades bent over backwards for others, as is so often the way received very little in return. Much happier and content thinking not my 🎪 not my monkey and have to say nothing beats the sound of no requests, invites or notifications!

I don't expect fawning! Just a personal e-mail instead of generic.

A relative of mine recently had a baby and I got roped into going into the baby shower, for which we were each expected to pay £30 for our afternoon tea and bring a gift. There was an approved gift list but I went off piste and got an outfit from Primark and a toy from the supermarket baby event. No thank you card for the gifts. I also attended a wedding this summer for which we gave a cash gift as requested and also no thank you.

Buy them a voucher for one of the shops they’ve listed. Then you can just gift say £25 if you want. I bought £25 worth of premium bonds for my friends new grandson but the parents are sent some kind of acceptance form and if they don’t fill it in the money is refunded to you

You're expecting them to fanny around sending potential 50+ personalised emails gushing about how wonderful each person is

They thanked everyone

Just because you wanted them to personally acknowledge you were so wonderful to give them so much (£300 is a ridiculous amount)

Never had any of these requests and wouldn't entertain them. The thought of sending my bank details out to my wedding guests with a request for money makes me sick. Some people have no shame.

It's normal and expected in some cultures, although I expect you wouldn't be asking the question if that were the case here.

I can see why it's not going down well but with costs soaring everywhere, I can also see why the culture might be changing. It does make more practical sense (which is why so many cultures do it).

No just not raised to fawn pathetically over people

And to give because I want to make the other person happy, not give so they praise me

I get you OP. Entitlement off the chart. I remember being given beautiful little handmade blankets and thoughtful bits from family and friends when my son was born. They meant the world. OK, there were one or two horrors but you'd use them and be thankful. Now the list of demands is frankly ridiculous.

A Little opinion from the other side here. When we had our first baby, people bought what they wanted and, although we were grateful, a lot of it wasn’t used as people all bought tiny sizes (and my babies were big!) or the outfits just weren’t to my taste. We also got a lot of things that we just didn’t need too much of, such as a billion muslins when I didn’t have sicky babies or multiple blankets - we really didn’t need that many!
So, with our second baby who was born less than 3 years later and the same sex, we did generally tell people that we’re likely to buy a gift that we very much appreciated the thought but we already had lots of baby clothes, muslins, blankets etc and vouchers for JL would be more useful. I was then able to buy all the extra bits, such as a new breast pump, new cot mattress and a buggy board that I actually needed!
We did send individual thank you messages to everyone though and did make it clear that we were more than happy if people didn’t bring a gift

It sounds like this is your DH family and to them it’s normal! Nope I don’t know anyone who does this! I’ve been various events and people have asked for money and sent wish lists etc but the bottom price has always been low to allow for all of their friends and family to celebrate and not feel mean or stressed. And there has always been a big caveat - your company is your gift to us so please don’t stress about other gifts. Yes thank you cards or emails always depending on personality (some friends feel ‘obliged/guilted’ to do personal and others do not). This is my normal. Very few do gender reveals and baby showers as a lot of my friends are a bit cyclical about this let’s celebrate for any old reason and all look at me.
Some friends love this but they do it and don’t demand expensive gifts - more a we love an excuse to party and get together come join us.
So yep it’s CF and I don’t think standard yet thank god!

Baptism - I always buy a Bible book - as that’s what baptism is about . God - not expensive gifts.

I'm an atheist, but if anyone were to imply that gifts were expected for their child's baptism, they would be getting a Bible or prayer book of some kind, and I would take care that it was the version approved by their denomination. Let them come back and say "Actually we were hoping for a nice big Duplo set, it's probably what Jesus would buy" if they want. <smiles innocently>

We never had a 'list' but were given some great gifts. The top 3 were
Kenwood Cheffette mini mixer and blender.
Feather Double Duvet
Card with a fiver in which we used for a fish supper later that night as we didn't go on Honeymoon, camping in Brittany, till the next day.
Mind you it was 1975 and we celebrated our Golden Anniversary last week. 🤗

Aside from never expecting a gift, I love that gifts chosen by others are varied and unique, rather being limited by my own research and imagination.

Horrible attitude.

Is this what we’ve come to in 2025?

I was brought up to be grateful, to either write a personal letter, phone the person or thank them face to face.

Email now makes a personal thank you dead easy.

What is wrong with people like you? Didn’t your parents teach you?🙄

@the5thgoldengirl Were you raised by wolves? comment of the year! 🤣🤣🤣

I agree! Atheist (but culturally Christian - brought up as a church goer etc). If you have a Christening it’s logical to assume you are genuine about the meaning and implications of that commitment.

I’ve just had a baby and didnt tell people what to buy or where to send money. I find that vulgar. If people want to buy a gift or gift money then that’s their choice, it’s not for me to dictate what or how they give.

Absolutely. The gift IS about the giver as well as the recipient.

I had a baby shower recently and asked for no 0-3 month baby grows as I am saturated in that size already (handed down from my daughter) and gave a few things I needed all £10-£15 and some less, a few more expensive ones but the message was totally ignored and only really got given lots of 0-3 🤣🤣🙈

anyways luckily I had time to exchange them or it would have been quite the waste (I could have used them instead of the stock I had already but seemed a bit pointless)

Grandparents of the baby on DH side chipped in £50 in cash, this is a bit expensive their expectations 🤯considering cheapest gift was £65 🤯.