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AIBU?

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Original poster

When someone dies.....

209 replies

Wiltshiregirl06 · 16/08/2025 09:53

Posting for traffic here, all suggestions welcome.

A relative lives a very reclusive life, think a farm house in the middle of nowhere, not much contact with others, apart from occasionally getting shopping delivered from another distant relative.
If he dies, how would we find out or be notified? The distant relative doesn't have my contact details, I don't have theirs. The relative in question is elderly, doesn't see or hear well, can't read be or write very well and isn't likely to have our details to hand, or be able to read it if they did.
Is there anywhere we can register that we (my family and my father) are next of kin? Just to complicate matters, my father and them fell out some years ago and don't speak.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Othersnotsomuch · 16/08/2025 09:54

You hoping for a slice of the pie presumably

RepoTheGeriatricOpera · 16/08/2025 09:57

Does this person even want you to be next of kin?

You can't just decide that by yourself.

The best thing to do would be speaking to the person and ask what arrangements they have made rather than ignore them in life and expect to be informed about their death.

spoonbillstretford · 16/08/2025 09:57

Go and see them and get to know them while you can, and find out what their wishes are in this regard.

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 16/08/2025 09:58

Does it matter if a distant relative you are not in contact with did die and you didn’t find out?

If you want a relationship with them, get in contact.

If you want an inheritance, then the person dying without a will would die intestate and would follow that process legally. They may though have a will, and everything has been allocated.

Member869894 · 16/08/2025 09:59

Blimey. If there was ever someone hoping to be a beneficiary this is it

Othersnotsomuch · 16/08/2025 09:59

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 16/08/2025 09:58

Does it matter if a distant relative you are not in contact with did die and you didn’t find out?

If you want a relationship with them, get in contact.

If you want an inheritance, then the person dying without a will would die intestate and would follow that process legally. They may though have a will, and everything has been allocated.

It matters because the Op wants to be notified re the will although given not on speaking terms… probs not in the will

Although maybe op hoping he hasn’t updated will and she’ll inherit automatically as next of kin

KiteFlight · 16/08/2025 09:59

Why would you want to be informed if you don’t see or have contact with the relative?

DiordreBarlow · 16/08/2025 09:59

They might well have made all their own arrangements for who they want to be contacted. Other than that, what @spoonbillstretford said.

Trumpthecant · 16/08/2025 10:00

Do you actually want to form a relationship with them and help them? If so, go visit them. Or do you just want to be told when they die so you can get inheritance?

Coffeetime25 · 16/08/2025 10:00

does relative has some wealth that you are looking to benefit from only reason that I could think you are asking never spoke to them in life but they near dead so now wanna cash in

TickyandTacky · 16/08/2025 10:01

KiteFlight · 16/08/2025 09:59

Why would you want to be informed if you don’t see or have contact with the relative?

Edited

Money

Notsuchafattynow · 16/08/2025 10:01

Am I being thick but how can OP be next of kin but her own Father is still alive?

A relative from the mums side?

labradormam · 16/08/2025 10:01

Othersnotsomuch · 16/08/2025 09:54

You hoping for a slice of the pie presumably

My initial thought as well.

why does it matter, OP?

If they wanted to be in contact with you they would.

BunniB · 16/08/2025 10:02

Can you get in touch with the other distant relative who is competent to order the shopping? Do you know if the reclusive relative has legal or heath power of attorney in place?

Clearly that shopping-helper-relative has a relationship and would know if the reclusive relative died, so that is the obvious “way in” And may be able to suggest if it is possible to facilitate an introduction so you could visit.

You can’t insist that you are next of kin and you can’t register yourself as someone’s next of kin.

RosesAndHellebores · 16/08/2025 10:02

If you have fallen put and don't speak, why does it matter?

If they have left you a bequest, the executors will trace you.

If they haven't left you a bequest, it's none of your business.

Why doesn't your father write and arrange to visit.

If you blink very hard, you may find the pound signs disappear from your eyes.

CatchHimDerry · 16/08/2025 10:03

I wouldn’t be getting involved with this, you all don’t speak so… nothing to be done. The other distant relative that helps out would handle all affairs and hopefully be left any inheritance

OneNeatBlueOrca · 16/08/2025 10:03

Your family may well have been disinherited.

Iwiicit · 16/08/2025 10:04

Creepy thread. If you were concerned about this man's difficult situation, I presume you would have already made an effort to get in touch, reach out, offer help, visit etc etc .
You haven't which leads us to only one reason for your post. Sad.

OSTMusTisNT · 16/08/2025 10:04

Why are bothered if you aren't interested in them while they are alive?

Chances are you'll be in line for the grand sum of hee-haw as they'll be leaving it all to the local cat home.

Nestingbirds · 16/08/2025 10:06

He will have hopefully leave his estate to his carers that deserve the money or the cats home. You certainly don’t. How sad you are just sniffing around for his money without caring for him at all during his actual life time. Disgusting.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/08/2025 10:06

The police will contact next of kin, which I suspect will be your dad. It’s not difficult to trace in most instances. The police came round and told my dad when my grandma was as found dead. He already knew because we were in close contact with her and with her neighbours who had raised the alarm when she didn’t open the curtains one morning. Do you want a relationship with this relative?

OneNeatBlueOrca · 16/08/2025 10:07

Nestingbirds · 16/08/2025 10:06

He will have hopefully leave his estate to his carers that deserve the money or the cats home. You certainly don’t. How sad you are just sniffing around for his money without caring for him at all during his actual life time. Disgusting.

Have you noticed that the thread title is when someone dies. Not when my grandparent dies.

Ice cold....

PollyannaNibbs · 16/08/2025 10:09

Is there anywhere we can register that we (my family and my father) are next of kin?

I doubt it. Your relative will nominate his 'next of kin' himself. He can leave his money to whomsoever he chooses.

OneNaiceSnail · 16/08/2025 10:09

There was me actually initially thinking you were concerned that they passed away and the poor souls body would be left undiscovered, and wanted advice on how to check they were ok. But you’re after their money?

QuaverQuanta · 16/08/2025 10:09

If they were to die at home, someone would need to notice they were missing otherwise they could be there for weeks/months/years.

I had a not immediate relative who lived alone but I was very close to (and was his only living relative) and he was very popular with lots of connections. He had mentioned on the phone to a friend who lived miles away that he hadn't felt well. When his friend tried to contact him a couple of hours later to see how he was and couldn't get a response, the friend called the local police who found him deceased at home. The friend told police about me as a relative but only knew my first name and no contact details. The officers couldn't find his mobile phone (took me weeks to find it!) but took his diary. In the diary they found a phone number for someone he had been due to meet for lunch the next day so they called him to try and find some info. He was the ex husband of a late cousin who was in the area and they were meeting up for lunch and a catch up. This chap managed to give them the number for a family friend who was able to give them the number of someone else who knew where I used to work. Police then contacted my old workplace who gave them my details and officers turned up on my doorstep about 12 hours later to inform me.

Long story short, they went to a lot of administrative effort to locate me as next of kin from very little initial info.

Not sure why it took them quite so long as he'd been in and out of hospital and I was documented as NoK each time with POA etc.