When someone dies.....

[Wiltshiregirl06]

Posting for traffic here, all suggestions welcome.

A relative lives a very reclusive life, think a farm house in the middle of nowhere, not much contact with others, apart from occasionally getting shopping delivered from another distant relative.
If he dies, how would we find out or be notified? The distant relative doesn't have my contact details, I don't have theirs. The relative in question is elderly, doesn't see or hear well, can't read be or write very well and isn't likely to have our details to hand, or be able to read it if they did.
Is there anywhere we can register that we (my family and my father) are next of kin? Just to complicate matters, my father and them fell out some years ago and don't speak.
Thank you.

think a farm house in the middle of nowhere

Is it a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere @Wiltshiregirl06?

As PPs said, the police will knock your door as you are next of kin. I didn't have much contact with my dad and it was miles way and his local police force told my police force to tell me

It doesn't sound like you have a relationship with them. If you want to change that the time to do that is now, when it can make a difference, if they are open to it and it would enhance their life.

Although if you haven't bothered up until now it could look a bit agenda-driven, even if it isn't.

Today is the anniversary of someone who died. I was extremely close to them and was with them in their last moments. I genuinely clicked on this thread to offer some hope or advice because I thought it was concern about dealing with the death of loved one. Actually speechless to the content of it. OP you should be ashamed.

How do you know it's a grandparent?

we had a odd situation with my husband Mum cousin (2nd cousin?) she lived a very quiet life, didn’t really want visitors. Had a daughter but was very LC with her. We exchanged cards etc One Christmas I realised we hadn’t received a card, mentioned it to MIL she phoned but no answer, reached out to her daughter who also hadn’t heard from her.

It turned out she had been admitted to hospital early December been quite poorly but didn’t want anyone contacted. She very sadly passed away alone at new year. She wanted no fuss and as she used to often say be no trouble to anyone.

@Nottodaty

Husband's mum's cousin!

First cousin once removed (your husband to his mum's cousin).

It was traumatic having to read "husband Mum cousin" without the 's on the end.

I've seen worse :)

You had put "?" when describing the relationship, so I was just adding that the relationship is first cousin once removed. Not dinging you for the lack of "'s".

But, in writing this, I realise that you weren't the poster (I thought it was the poster correcting herself/himself), or I would have quoted her/him and not you. Sorry for the errant quote.

Is it a grandparent? Because I can understand not being in contact if your father isn't speaking to their parent all contact usually goes through the parents so it's essentially cutting the child off also

My son wouldn't know if his grandmother died because all contact goes through his father (she has my number but he doesn't allow her to contact the children via me) its essentially a very toxic situation so I can understand if it's a toxic family dynamic

No worries 👍🏻

What a bizarre question.
This person is a virtual stranger to you by the sound of things.

There are people in my distant family that i don't see. Whether they are alive or dead makes no difference to me because I have no relationship with them. This person is living the life that they chose.

My parent was informed by a letter asking if they were related to x. Who was a distant relative it was actually to do with a will and the money was distributed amongst many distant relatives as x did not marry or have children. The sad part was this was a long time after the funeral so who knows if anyone attended. Friends possibly. My parent has a large family lots of siblings/cousins. It’s sad even in a large family some people live a lonely existence but maybe it’s through choice. I hope that helps op. But as others have suggested I would reach out and even visit. As from a care point of view is any being provided if needed.

Fair enough, lots of posts saying that it's just money related, I didn't want to give lots of details as it's not my relative, I'm trying to help a friend in difficult circumstances deal with her family.
First of all, she lives 200 miles away from her relative, though she does see him when she can. He won't answer the phone if anyone rings. There's no bad feeling between her and him, but in the wider family there is.
Money wise, that's not the issue, that's sorted. Not going into that further, not my place.
Her dad is next of kin legally, but as I said, they fell out.
This is not a money grabbing exercise, she genuinely doesn't know if or how she would be told if he's died. And yes to a ppl, there is the horrible thought that he could lie undiscovered for a while.

It depends if the relative has a will.

Your friend could go and see her relative and ask for the GP details and register her concern.

Assume op is worried that the relative may die and not be found for some time, if they are reclusive.

You could contact her local social services and register as next of kin. You could register your concern as the person sounds vulnerable.

So basically as others have said, once the death is confirmed or the body is found (as the case may be) the police will identify who the persons was and then begin tracing family. Police have ready access to info that is not easy for the rest of us to access, so they have their ways of finding and contacting family.

If they notify 1 person they may then rely on that person to pass the message on. I don't know that you can do much about that if that person doesn't notify you. I can see why you'd be concerned; it would be terrible to find out months later that someone had passed and you hadn't been notified. But I don't know there is any way around that.

They may still want to ensure this person has a funeral etc. Solictors I presume would do their best to locate next of kin. I don’t think there’s much you can do to be honest.

Thank you, that is the sort of advice she needs. Yes they probably would be classed as vulnerable but they have refused all help.

FFS these replies- classic mumsnet.

I'm sorry I don't have the answer but - hey everyone, it's quite normal to want to know if someone in your family dies even if you don't have a relationship with them. And it's not necessarily about the money.

My cousin who I hadn't seen since I was 4, had zero contact with and wouldn't recognise but heard of obliquely every few years via other family members died last year. Despite no direct relationship, I still felt shock and sadness at their death and was grateful to be informed.

I'd also put it that wouldn't be right 'not' to have been informed.

Does she have any contact with the relative who delivers his shopping? Maybe they would keep her updated

NHS records have a next of kin noted. I always wonder who’s going to find me eventually as my family don’t give a shit. But any time I’ve been to A&E they confirm who’s noted on my records.

When my father became more frail, we had a list of key contacts on a card that was by his landline phone. Numbers for Family/GP/helpful neighbour/ friends who could help if needed. A neighbour had keys and there was also a coded key box for visiting caters. My siblings and I who were not local were all on that list so that carers/ neighbours who needed to contact anyone could do so easily.
We marketed as making it easier so he didn’t need to search his address book ( very independent!).
When you /friend next visit, maybe you could set something similar up - and then you can be confident your number would be one of those called if anything happens.

Do you know that you can just register as next of kin? Would you need proof? It sounds doubtful, but if you know this for sure can you give us more info.