Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

[Lll09]

I knew my friend long before I met my husband; we have been close friends for years, and it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever. However, my husband has become increasingly annoyed at the amount of time I've even spending with them - he has been made redundant and has a lot of free time.
My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left.

On the whole, I thought we had a happy marriage, aside from this issue. We have 2 children, plus 1 from my previous marriage. I thought, he'd clam down and we'd progress to counselling but he's made it clear he isn't interested.

At the start of the school holidays, he told me he is no longer willing to financially support me and has told me to find a full time job. It's going to be a nightmare because he has been very noncommittal about providing childcare for his step child, although he has said he will continue to contribute to their school fees.

A few friends have said I should have acquiesced, and I sometimes thing i should have.

My partner has more female friends than male friends.And I have to say, i'm not keen on it. It's not the time he spends with them it's not a huge amount of time, It's the level of emotional involvement. I don't think it's appropriate.

Especially not when he provides emotional support to these women in ways he sometimes hasn't with me. Some of these women, in fact, most of them all have problems.And he takes their problems on and dumps it in my lap too

OneNeatBlueOrca

Those aren't genuine friendships. That's a man with a rescuer complex who enjoys being the hero to a damsel in distress.

The friend was made redundant and had more time to spend with the OP.

It's in the first post.

Oh yes I have figured that out too. If these women had their own partners or better circumstances he wouldn't see them for dust and i wish he'd realise.

The husband is not needy or jealous or insecure because he wants his wife to concentrate on their marriage. Is the wife in this situation in this link 'needy, jealous and insecure'? Or just wanting RESPECT? : https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?latest=1

Do you say the same to women whose husbands won't give up a female friend they are spending increasing amounts of time with?

Her husband didn't even ask her to end the friendship, just to stop spending so much time with him. A not unreasonable request considering they appear to be seeing each other openly at least 3 times a week. That is a significant proportion of anyone's spare time being spent outside their marriage. More fool you if you think it is ok and your spouse treats your relationship with so little respect.

I have male friends from before my marriage but my husband comes first. I would never hang out with anyone if it made him feel insecure. The same for him with me. You chose your friend over your husband. Now you must seek legal advice over a financial separation and settlement.

Hard to believe this isn't a reverse. This man is well shot of you.

The fact that your biggest worry is that he might not provide financially for a child that isn't his is really the chef's kiss here.

Hes already left, so its kind of irrelevant whether you think he was unreasonable.
He offered you his terms. You declined.

Either a reverse or there is a ton of background information we aren’t privy to

I correct myself - he IS providing financially for a child that isn't his, but you're worried he won't look after them to give you some time off. Your entitlement is off the scale.

Not time off but if he isn't able to look after all 3 children then I'll need to find alternative childcare.

Honestly Op, you really need to check yourself. YABVU. Poor ex husband. Why on earth should he pay school fees for / look after your child with someone else? And after you’ve shat on him by prioritising your special male friend. As PP has said, entitlement off the scale. Were you quite spoilt as a child?

@ThatBlackCat

”concentrate on their marriage” does that mean she’s not allowed to see people other than husband and can’t engage in hobbies without her husband present?

Why an earth would husband support a step child? Get a job.

Well thats her choice then isn't it.

Of course he would be very entitled in the nicest way to say that he's not going to provide childcare for one that isn't his responsibility. That's your issue to resolve.

Well yes, for your own child. Where's the paternal family?
Surely when you tell them that your circumstances have changed and Tom has no parental responsibility for your eldest you have no child care for your dates with the OM am sure they'll be willing and able to facilitate it!

No it means she shouldn't be spending more time with her man on the side than her own husband. A husband that is still paying for a child, that isn't even his!!! Even after leaving her. He is a bloody good decent man to do that.

You could get off your behind and get a job. It's the least you owe your children after blowing up their lives.

So he's been supporting you and your child as well as his 2 children financially for 6 months? Did you really think that was going to continue until the youngest finished college? Of course you need to find an income to support yourself, but why would your ex need to provide childcare?

He only contributes to the fees, the rest are picked up my me and the child's father.

I will struggle if I need to drop the 2 children with him and find someone else to look after my DC. Her father lives in another country for work, and isn't involved aside from paying his child support

I am getting a job.

You're behaving like a fool. You have 3 kids, your STBXH has 2. He is under no obligation to provide anything to the one he is not the father of. He is already agreeable about continuing contributions to school fees, which is already above and beyond reasonable. And you want him to do childcare for that child too?

The oldest must be old enough, or close to old enough to stay home while you work. And/or most private schools have long enough days that wraparound care isn't needed during term times. I have successfully had a full time year round job all the way through my kids' school years, paying for holiday clubs when needed.

You are looking for excuses to let your cushy part time life continue, when you are the one who blew it up for all three of those kids by deciding your friend was more important than your husband's feelings.

When it comes to financial settlement, you will be expected to find full time work. And if he is paying school fees for all 3, it will get taken into account for child maintenance etc.

Yeah, that's a lot. If DH spent that much time with a female friend I'd reevaluate our relationship.

So you’ve chosen your friend over your husband, but you expect your husband to carry on financing your lifestyle and provide childcare for your child?