Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

[Lll09]

I knew my friend long before I met my husband; we have been close friends for years, and it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever. However, my husband has become increasingly annoyed at the amount of time I've even spending with them - he has been made redundant and has a lot of free time.
My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left.

On the whole, I thought we had a happy marriage, aside from this issue. We have 2 children, plus 1 from my previous marriage. I thought, he'd clam down and we'd progress to counselling but he's made it clear he isn't interested.

At the start of the school holidays, he told me he is no longer willing to financially support me and has told me to find a full time job. It's going to be a nightmare because he has been very noncommittal about providing childcare for his step child, although he has said he will continue to contribute to their school fees.

A few friends have said I should have acquiesced, and I sometimes thing i should have.

Well you have chose your friend over your husband. It’s hard to say if your dh was unreasonable, but could there have been a compromise.?

Going forward you need to get legal advice, your dh is not obliged to support you so you need to jointly decide on maintenance, custody, the house. If you are going for a 50/50 split don’t forget you are entitled to half his savings snd pension plus half the house. He is under no obligation to support your dd. You may be entitled to some benefits? But yes you would be better working.

how much time is too much time?

I think he was trying to find an excuse to get out. If it wasn't this it would be something else later down the line. I'm surprised though he'd continue to pay school fees for a child that is not his. He's not going provide childcare for a child that isn't his either. How much time were you spending with the friend and was it at the expense of him and your children?

How much time do you spend together? If you're choosing to spend time with him over your husband, or it's literally for hours every day I can see why your husband would have an issue with that.

You were happy to sacrifice your marriage for your friend so you can see why your husband would have a problem with that

I mean, it seems you did spend a lot of time together, he asked oyu to stop, you didnt and he called oyur bluff. He does not have to support your child from your previous marriage, surely this is for your first ex to sort out?
I think you took your husband for granted and were annoying him on purpose, sadly a ft jobs may seem in the cards for you now you are on your own. (Maybe your friend can support you?).

If I’m honest I’d be pissed off of my partner was just working part time and hanging out with friends, but I assume you are doing the majority of the childcare which is why you are part time? Sometimes we just don’t share the same objectives, shared goals and ethics and this can definitely break a marriage. You need to get practical and start sorting out child access (get a CAO in place as part of the divorce) and work out the split of assets. See a solicitor

I think it’s quite a hard one, how much time did you spend with your friend over your husband?

At the end of the day, you chose your friendship over your marriage. Sadly you can’t expect your husband to fund your life, especially as you’ve now separated. He doesn’t need to provide any childcare to his step child as he has no parental responsibility there but it is very kind that he’s still willing to pay towards their education.

You should get legal advice on how to split costs and perhaps look for a job that would suit around child care and look into different types of childcare.

It sounds like to want to have your cake and eat it.

Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it. Have a look at some of the threads where men have a special friend they spend too much time with and see how different the responses are. They are usually accused of having affairs on here.

The friendship issue aside, why on earth would he continue to support you and your child when you’re no longer living together?

I’m also curious about how much time you’re spending with this bloke.

I'm hoping we find out and this isn't another post where the OP just dodges the same question everyone is asking! 😂

92% think you're being unreasonable.

So he didn't ask you to end the friendship. He asked you to spend less time " together" with your friend. And your friendship was more important to you than the man you made vows to. I don't blame your H for leaving .
You made your choice so now you have to build your life around that.

Op, the level of friendship you had with this other man was making your DH uncomfortable and he expressed that to you. You decided to ignore that and do your own thing, which you're well within your rights to do, but your now ex-DH has decided that's not good enough, which he's also entitled to do.

It's a very sad situation but it sounds like you prioritised this friendship over your marriage and the consequences are that your husband left.

I can understand why he no longer wants to fully support you if he's no longer there; presumably he has his own bills now and shouldn't be paying yours too. Suggesting you get a job is reasonable. He also shouldn't be worrying about child from previous relationship - that's down to you and their dad to sort, surely?

It's going to be a big change and wish you all the best, OP.

I think if this exact situation was written by a man about their female friend, everyone would say fair enough that the wife left. He asked you to stop and you knew he was uncomfortable with it. Your marriage was otherwise happy. You did it anyway.
How much time are we talking?

Hard to tell without more context . I was your h in this situation and many people may have just believed I was jealous of his female ‘best friend’ but I doubt many people would have been happy . 100+ messages a day , phones calls at all and every hour, cancelling plans with me for her, seeing her behind my back , cutesy pet names for each other , ‘had’ to see her at least twice a week every week , her leaving her house to him and putting a clause in her will to say if he married the spouse is not to benefit, clicking her fingers and he’d go running, me not being allowed to meet her in 2 years , him moving house to be closer to her… I could go on but you see what I mean.

So, you expect your H to be happy to go to work to keep you and your child and your child in school fees, while you are unemployed and you and your unemployed male friend hang out all day? Even though you're no longer together? This is just the sort of scenario you'd think was set up by someone trying to make women look bad, and hoping people would defend you so they could screech about 'double standards on MN'.

If you were just friends, then being friends is not unreasonable.

Equally he can end the marriage for whatever good reason he has, in this case your friendship made him uncomfortable. Expecting you to support yourself and your own child isn't unreasonable either obviously, with appropriate child maintenance form your joint children.

Whether you should have made a different decision or not I couldn't say. I wouldn't have made the same decision you did, but that's ok.

Welcome to the reality of life. Whilst with your husband, you could make a joint decision as a household as to who would work what

You are you now single and your household unit is you and your 3 children. You need to financially support your household unit. He has a household unit of him and his 2 children, you and your child from a previous relationship are not part of it. He doesn’t need to spend time with that child who he has no responsibility for and it’s good of him to still contribute to the school fees

Time to divorce, sell the house, divide the assets then either get a job or get one with more hours. You’ve had 6 months to get the ball rolling therefore I think they’ve been quite patient if they’re still funding your life until now

Was it actually about the friend or was your DH perhaps fed up of financing you being able to work part time but spending large chunks of your free time “socialising” when you perhaps could have worked a bit more?

I work 4 days and spend most of my 1 day off with friends…… mix of male/female. DH has no issue but then I’m also the higher earner……

He has no responsibility for his step child at all. Give your head a wobble.

My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left

• I am amazed you didn't prioritise your life partner and father of your children.

• And I am more amazed you decided to blow up your marriage over this when you are financially dependent.

• I am utterly flabbergasted you expect him to financially support his step child who has a father who should be supporting him financially.

He was within his rights to leave and its totally fair he doesnt want to subsidise you from here to kingdom come.
Get a lawyer get a court ordered financial settlement and court ordered visitation

Hope your friendship is so amazing it was worth spending your childrens lives and ending your marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tldr: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Did you not consider at any point over the last 6 months that the gravy train might eventually reach the terminus?

I think he’s just fed up of paying for you to hang out with friends all day. You do sound quite entitled and that the fact he doesn’t want to continue to pay for a child that isn’t his is a surprise to you?? Tbh you need a job, your ex isn’t going to fund your life anymore!

Sounds like you fucked around and now you're finding out.