Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

[Lll09]

I knew my friend long before I met my husband; we have been close friends for years, and it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever. However, my husband has become increasingly annoyed at the amount of time I've even spending with them - he has been made redundant and has a lot of free time.
My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left.

On the whole, I thought we had a happy marriage, aside from this issue. We have 2 children, plus 1 from my previous marriage. I thought, he'd clam down and we'd progress to counselling but he's made it clear he isn't interested.

At the start of the school holidays, he told me he is no longer willing to financially support me and has told me to find a full time job. It's going to be a nightmare because he has been very noncommittal about providing childcare for his step child, although he has said he will continue to contribute to their school fees.

A few friends have said I should have acquiesced, and I sometimes thing i should have.

Maybe your male friend can provide childcare?

Funny how you haven’t mentioned him at all in any of your solutions to your financial and childcare issues. Perhaps the level of friendship wasn’t worth prioritising over your husband after all, and the support you gave him during redundancy won’t be reciprocated…

I hope this friendship is worth it.

Personally I don’t believe in male/female friendships in a relationship or marriage, UNLESS the other partner is also involved.

I used to have male friends when I was younger and single. Every single one (bar the gay ones) tried it on in one way or another.

I would be highly suspicious of a husband of mine who was spending a lot of soul time with a female ‘friend’.

You're also being extremely cheeky expecting your stbx to provide childcare for a child which is not his. He’s already paying her school fees which will be expensive.

How long were you married for? What ages the children?

You made a decision which at the time you thought was right, and generally when someone leaves a marriage the chances of reconciliation is low. Its likely he has now discovered he is happy out of the marriage. It seems you didn't fight for the marriage which you may not regret but its done.

So what now for you? I guess its a job and figuring out childcare. Did your ex have PR for older child? If not then I can see why him looking after them longterm isn't possible.

The subject heading is now irrelevant really. That ship has sailed it seems - you’ve made your choice and you’re further down the line now in that he doesn’t want to get back with you. You need to get a job, regardless of how or why you’ve split. And he doesn’t need to support his stepchild, unless adopted. It’s really self entitled to expect to split with him and have him basically fund your days out with your friend.

This 100%

You have been incredibly selfish - and you have made your own mess. I feel very sorry for your DH he only asked you to reduce seeing this friend, not stop, and you couldn’t even respect that! He also need to stop paying for his step child, thats your responsibility alongside their Dad.

There is another thread on here at the moment where the man is refusing to stop seeing a friend - you may gain a little understanding of how much hurt and nastiness you have caused not just to him but your kids, through your self centred, cruel, behaviour.

YOu chose another man over your husband and over your family life. Despicable carry on.

Your dh owes your child from previous relationship nothing. He has no obligation to provide to school fees or childcare so for that you need to get over your entitlement and pay for your child.

In respect to the friend...I am torn here. I have a few very close male friends, nothing even close to romantic and far before of a sibling relationship. My dh wouldn't dream of making me choose and knows full well it would not end well for him. So I do understand your refusal to reduce the friendship. And actually I think your dh is being a controlling arsehole if your post about the amount of time you spend together is the truth.

That said there are always 2 sides and I wonder if you are being honest about the real reason for the split. Sounds more like your dh is sick of bank rolling someone else's child.

Put frankly, if you and the child's dad cant afford the private school fees without input from your dh then they shouldn't be going.

Why was he contributing to your kids school fees?

You chose your friendship over your marriage and ultimately another man over your husband.

No matter how unfounded his fears were you only asked to do counselling after you pushed him away. You didn’t think about his feelings at all.

Unless he’s adopted your child from the previous marriage he has no responsibility whatsoever to provide for them.

You 100% should be looking for a full time job so you can support yourself.

It’s cheeky that you still expect the benefits of marriage and partnership after it’s over. You really have some nerve.

How is your friendship now after it’s destroyed your marriage ?

Did you aye.

This

You sound very cold and transactional.
I suspect there was a deeper unhappiness for your poor husband, and the request for you to pare back your contact with your friend was just a litmus test.

I cannot believe you would expect an ex, that you have refused to listen to their concerns about your marriage, to pay school fees and provide care for a child.

You need to get a job, arrange shared parenting with him for your joint children. Is he wanting 50:50? As difficult it is you'll need to explain to your older child why things are different for them.

How old are your DC?

Not much to add, is there.
You fucked about, you found out. Poor kids.

I too have a best male friend. That's fine. But you seem to have worked under the illusion that as long as you only have sex with one person, it doesn't matter how you divide the rest of your attention, time, care or priorities. Even when your husband indicated he needed more of the latter. That's so insanely dumb and misguided that it's hard to figure out what the hell you were thinking.

You've chosen your friend over your husband which is your prerogative but choices have consequences.

You can't rely on him for support, financial or otherwise, for a child who isn't his. Even if he says it now, he's under no obligation to provide for your child so you need to take that into account and figure something out.

Personally, if my DH was upset about something and wasn't being controlling or too unreasonable, and he was bankrolling my lifestyle and that of my child, I wouldn't mind cutting down on lunches and meet-ups. But we're all different.

I know if I felt uncomfortable with my husband spending too much time with another woman and he refused to stop, I'd also be out the door, so...

In my opinion, you've been breath-takingly audacious and entitled. But you need to sort yourself out sooner rather than later. And that means being financially independent. And solely responsible for your child since their other actual parent pissed off to another country and left you and their stepfather to raise them.

He doesn’t need to look after his step child though. You’ll need to arrange other childcare and that’s on you to sort and pay for since the father isn’t close by.
This is not your husbands fault.

Maybe this platonic friend can help you out with childcare for your stepchild? Seeing as he's such a good friend that you chose him over your marriage.

Lunch and dinner every week. Did you go on similar frequent dates with your ex?

Maybe it's just the way you've written your post, but there's no indication you were upset about your DH leaving or actively tried to save your marriage until your DH threatened to remove financial and practical support. You seem to be ignoring that the issue, presumably, wasn't just the friendship but that you were leaving your DH looking after his children and yours every Saturday and 2 or 3 evenings a week when he worked FT & you already had plenty of free time.

Before you subject your DCs to another relationship, I'd have a serious talk with yourself about whether you really want a partner, and what it takes to maintain a relationship.

It hasn't been stated whether or not this male friend has a partner, wife or children. It doesn't sound like it.

The question is if he meet someone he truly wants to be with.
Or if his partner asked him to stop seeing her would he do it

I'd wager he wouldn't blow up his relationship for her and if he isn't with somebody and meet somebody, he likes she won't see him for dust.

You should never, ever make enormous life decisions for somebody who wouldn't do the same for you. He isn't going to step in and pick up the school fees, and the childcare is he? So what was it for.

We see posts on here time after time about men and their female friendships, and how it’s not appropriate and how the man should put his wife feelings first and if he doesn’t, the wife should LTB.

Well, your case is no different. You had a good man supporting a good lifestyle for you and your kids and you put your mate first. Silly.

On top of the meet-ups, his often do you phone and text?

Sounds too much. Either way you made your choice.

No you shouldn't have acquiesced. When your partner starts trying to control who you're friends with or how often you see them, no. I have been there and ended up losing touch with two very, very good male friends and I should never have allowed that.

It will be difficult trying to juggle everything in ways you're not used to but you will get through it and in the end won't have anyone telling you how to conduct your friendships. The fact that he has been non-commital about childcare makes me wonder if he was also objecting to looking after the children while you were out with friends. He will have to contribute financially to whatever childcare is in place for them (not necessarily for his step child but for his biological children).