Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

[Lll09]

I knew my friend long before I met my husband; we have been close friends for years, and it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever. However, my husband has become increasingly annoyed at the amount of time I've even spending with them - he has been made redundant and has a lot of free time.
My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left.

On the whole, I thought we had a happy marriage, aside from this issue. We have 2 children, plus 1 from my previous marriage. I thought, he'd clam down and we'd progress to counselling but he's made it clear he isn't interested.

At the start of the school holidays, he told me he is no longer willing to financially support me and has told me to find a full time job. It's going to be a nightmare because he has been very noncommittal about providing childcare for his step child, although he has said he will continue to contribute to their school fees.

A few friends have said I should have acquiesced, and I sometimes thing i should have.

The husband hasn't been made redundant, the friend has.

I think you’re getting a hard time from some PP. This idea that you have “chosen” your friend over your husband is untrue. Your husband was being unreasonable in telling you to effectively end an existing, platonic, friendship for no good reason. If he had said that you had to do the same with a female friend, many would say he was being controlling. I don’t see that it is different with a male friend. You didn’t choose your friend over your husband, you chose not to be unreasonably dictated to.

I don't blame your husband at all. You made your bed,now time to lie in it. I honestly can't believe you put a friendship before your husband. He wasn't even asking you to stop the friendship just lesson the time together as he was obviously uncomfortable and you said no. I'd have left you too quite frankly.

Honestly baffled you think your husband should provide for a child that isn't his

This is incredulous, so you're a sahp but all the dc are clearly in school elsewhere given you have the time to see this man so much in the day. Am assuming your dh is the one with the dc when you're out with him in the evenings.. is this the time of 'child care" you're complaining he won't commit to?
You'd honestly expect him to facilitate your seeing the man you ended your marriage for?
You should be the one leaving the family home.

Nailed, 100%.

Your husband was working full time to financially provide for you whilst you work part time and go out with another man 3 times a week. How would you feel if he said "fuck this, let's swap. I'll work part time and go out with another woman 3 times a week, and you can slave away at work paying for it" somehow I don't think you'd be too pleased.

How much quality time were you spending with your husband, just the two of you? Were you going out on dates each week? How much quality time were you spending as a family each week? If you were pissing about doing your hobby every Saturday, I imagine not much!

This isn't about not having friends. Of course in a marriage you should both spend time with friends each week. But you've taken the piss with this guy. Your husband has tried talking to you about it but you've dismissed him so he's made his decision to leave.

Why would you choose your mate over your husband? It must be a really strong and important relationship to put it before your marriage and your family. Does your friend feel the same way about you? Can he financially support you and pay for your eldest child's school fees? Your husband is being nice offering to still pay them but you can't honestly let him do that?

No one is this entitled !

Surely this isn't true?

So you spent one evening and one lunch a week with friend and evenings out with friends.
I’m wondering how much time you devoted to dating your husband?
you prioritised your friendship over your dh and the father of your dc who apparently financed your desire not to work full time. now you are moaning that you need to get a ft job and that your ex only helping with his STEP dc is unfair.

😶😑😶😑😶

You sound very matter of fact over the whole situation tbh. You're wondering if you made the wrong decision because of your current financial situation, not because you love and miss your EXH. I wonder if you checked out of the marriage long ago, in fact.
You made your decision. Time to put on your big girl pants, get a full time job and stop expecting your EXH to cough up for your every need.

I think you might have a thing for your friend...if this is real.
This reminds me of dhs ex who expectrd him to fork out gor bills even though she moved her new bloke in and chucked him out....aka....cheeky fucker!

You're joking! He doesn't want to pay you to do nothing/hang around with another bloke? Unbelievable.

Back on planet Earth...

You've made a huge mistake and what's happening now is called consequences. FAFO.

I'm amazed that he's still paying for your child (not his) to attend private school. He sounds a decent guy. Maybe if you valued him for more than his wallet you'd have considered his feelings about how much time you were spending with the other man and the impact of that on your marriage. As it is, you thought only about yourself and now you and your children are worse off.

So you have three kids with school fees, didn’t work full time, H was made redundant which does have financial implications, you lunched, did evening socials, weekend and evening hobby and now the financial support is slipping away you are upset?

It sounds like you did/do see you H/exH as a cash point and have a high opinion of yourself as a human being.

But you need to make plans going forward, you H/exH sounds ok actually, clearly he has some morals to not let his stepchild’s education suffer because of your actions by still paying towards fees, he isn’t throwing you out or leaving the kids high and dry, just saying you need to work now because he’s doing enough.

What’s the problem here? You need to move forward with the child central to a life with less of H/exH financial support, it’s what happens when marriages breakdown.

You weren’t unreasonable to refuse to step back from an existing close friendship at the request of your husband. Do you think he genuinely wanted you to see him less or if this was an attempt to disrupt the friendship?

Has he expressed concerns about the nature of your friendship before, early on?

If not, what was the turning point?

Unless there was real reason to be concerned about the nature of the friendship or your time together interrupting family life too much then it’s not really ok for him to make demands.

You do spend a lot of time together but it sounds like it’s in a group hobby setting so is it the time on the hobby he really resented?

You'd be surprised.....

After my friend's affair she made herself the victim. Years later, still looking for sympathy because someone betrayed her and told her husband. It's all she talks about. She hasn't worked since because she's still sooooo upset and can't possibly do anything. She's almost a recluse because she's scared to leave the house because of the gossip. She was the one that told everybody! All self inflicted.

Her DH is a saint or a sap for staying and tolerating this. He's the only wage earner now while she flails about doing her dying swan act.

I don't bother with her much now.

The second issue about finances is not clear either. How old are the kids, what was the arrangement when you had kids etc

Yes you had a great lifestyle and I think you are only now going to appreciate how good you had it now that it’s gone.

Your husband is no longer going to provide childcare for your stepchild that is not his, and this may be clipping your wings somewhat?

Just for clarity, you are out at least twice a week without him and you only work part time?

So you are out one evening a week and also Saturdays with your hobby boyfriend, and also out with your friends once a week?

so at least 3 nights a week, you go out without your husband? Did he have the same deal?

Was it your hobby boyfriend or your husband that was made redundant?

There's another thread at the moment where the OP is gutted about her DH's platonic friendship with a woman (through hobby) and rightly the posters are pointing out that it is about her DH not prioritising their relationship and marriage, and that is at the heart what the issue is.

Regardless of the length of your friendship, if you prioritised your DH and he said he was uncomfortable with your platonic friendship, provided he wasn't controlling in other ways / saying this about a lot of friendships, then I think you should have made clear to him that your marriage and your relationship and your family were more important to you than your hobby or your friendship, and behaved accordingly.

You didn't, as is your right -- and he has, as is his right, drawn his boundary. YABVU OP.

What would you expect of your husband if the boot was on the other foot?
what if he put a friendship with another female over you/his marriage?

if you’d be ok with that , then as you were..

Maybe read this thread. If you are putting anyone or anything consistently ahead of your spouse, don't be surprised when they leave. You are now separated because he gave you a boundary which you crossed. If you think he should 'clam' down (unfortunate typo, given you want him to put up and shut up), the only option you have is to do as he asked and end the 'friendship', and then ask him if there is any way forward together. Otherwise, you accept your marriage is over and that his current position is completely reasonable. He is under no obligation to keep funding the lifestyle ambitions of someone he is no longer in a relationship with, and who sounds as if she has been in a different relationship to him for a long time anyway.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends

Yes it is upsetting when the gravy train runs out isn't it?!

Your DH said he was uncomfortable with the friendship and instead of respecting that and reducing contact you've doubled down putting your friend and hobby first over your marriage. It's not his role to offer childcare for the child that's not his, he doesn't need to continue to pay school fees but he is. You'll have to get a full time job and focus on supporting your DC instead of having nice lunches.

@ThatBlackCat

maybe she just thought ‘why the fuck should I give up a friendship to appease my needy and insecure and jealous husband??’

I don't think so. There are so many threads on here about women being unhappy with their husband or partner having or developing a close relationship / friendship with a female.

How many of you really would be happy with your husband or partner seeing a woman friend 3 times a week every week.

That's sometimes more than I see my partner socially/ for dates in a week because of work commitments.