Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

[Lll09]

I knew my friend long before I met my husband; we have been close friends for years, and it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever. However, my husband has become increasingly annoyed at the amount of time I've even spending with them - he has been made redundant and has a lot of free time.
My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left.

On the whole, I thought we had a happy marriage, aside from this issue. We have 2 children, plus 1 from my previous marriage. I thought, he'd clam down and we'd progress to counselling but he's made it clear he isn't interested.

At the start of the school holidays, he told me he is no longer willing to financially support me and has told me to find a full time job. It's going to be a nightmare because he has been very noncommittal about providing childcare for his step child, although he has said he will continue to contribute to their school fees.

A few friends have said I should have acquiesced, and I sometimes thing i should have.

There are so many threads on here from people saying they have a spouse and children but are painfully lonely because they have no friends. It’s no wonder, if this is such a common attitude. Personally I believe friendships are just as important as a romantic relationship. But on here any kind of effort made in a friendship or platonic affection and connection with friends if they’re the opposite sex (because it’s heteronormativity central here too) is labelled an emotional affair. Well, newsflash, you’re meant to have emotions towards your friends! That doesn’t mean the same as romantic or sexual feelings!

I don’t think it is an emotional affair from what OP says. But the point here is that we only get one side of a story on MN and there’s precious little detail in what OP has said. Her DH may have had reason to suspect it was something more than friendship, so I don’t necessarily think that jumping to the conclusion he only objects because her friend is male is warranted. If he thought that, surely he would have asked OP to end the friendship rather than cutting down on time spent with this man.

He didn’t tell her to end the friendship - he asked her not to spend so much time with the friend. I think what this comes down to is quality time, and clearly her DH thought OP was prioritising quality time with her friend over quality time with him. If DH works all week, I can well understand why he’d be pissed at OP for spending all day Saturday with this man. It cuts into family time.

We don't know exactly what the situation is, but the husband asked her to see the friend less, not to stop seeing him. Surely if he suspected an affair he would have wanted her to end the friendship; having sex with the guy one time a week vs. three times a week isn't really an improvement. Maybe the friendship was cutting into family time. He had a right to object to that.

Regardless, I think it's all beside the point - they're separated, and OP's issue seems to be that he expects her to help support their children. That's not unreasonable. Particularly when one of the children in question isn't his.

There is nuance here. I'd be very annoyed if my partner told me to spend less time with a male friend.

However you are cutting your nose off to spite your face here. He asked you to spend "less" time with the friend, which is perhaps the middle ground here, it isn't a total a ban. I do understand there is a principle at play, but the reality is look how much you stand to lose.

Or get a full time job and stand by your principles. You can't have your cake and eat it.

It also is a piss take if she was spending all Saturday and leaving him with their 2 children and her child from a previous marriage.

Totally agree.