Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

[Lll09]

I knew my friend long before I met my husband; we have been close friends for years, and it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever. However, my husband has become increasingly annoyed at the amount of time I've even spending with them - he has been made redundant and has a lot of free time.
My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left.

On the whole, I thought we had a happy marriage, aside from this issue. We have 2 children, plus 1 from my previous marriage. I thought, he'd clam down and we'd progress to counselling but he's made it clear he isn't interested.

At the start of the school holidays, he told me he is no longer willing to financially support me and has told me to find a full time job. It's going to be a nightmare because he has been very noncommittal about providing childcare for his step child, although he has said he will continue to contribute to their school fees.

A few friends have said I should have acquiesced, and I sometimes thing i should have.

So you picked your friend over your husband (and family).
You don't think you should have to work full time.
You expect childcare and financial contributions from your ex husband towards someone else's child.

To be honest you've messed up big time and is be doing what I could to try and save my marriage. Although it seems like he's already opened his eyes.

Haha christ you want it all dont you?! There is a similar thread at the moment about a man spending too much time with his woman friend. Read the responses... the same applies too you. You didnt give a toss about your husbands feelings and now want him to support all of you AND his step child? Wake up!

Yes I’m thinking of the current thread where the op’s husband is spending a lot of time with a ‘friend’ and refuses to at least compromise. Everyone is saying divorce.

Why did you put your friend first?

She who values friend more than husband’s feelings, request and their marriage deserves everything coming to her.

My friend and I share a hobby so it was about one evening a week attending the hobby and one Saturday 9 months of the year. We'd maybe go out for lunch once a week. I also meet up with friends one evening a week.

This, 100%!

Why are you asking now, 6 months too late? You made your choice.

So, 3 times a week then.

Your H was just looking for an excuse to end things by the looks of it. Why would it suddenly be a problem to be friends with someone you have been friends with throughout the whole relationship, he married you and had children with you whilst you were friends. It doesn't make sense.

So one lunch during the week and two events with friends. That doesn't seem much. I think we were all presuming the redundancy meant your friend was round daily

I’d suggest your ex’s problem is more because he thought you might have an affair or something and he was presuming like we were that the friend was in your life on a daily basis.

However I did vote you were being unreasonable because you can’t expect your ex to fund you now. You need to see what childcare options you have to increase your work hours if you’re part time (or get a job if you don’t work) and see what maintenance youre entitled to.

What age are the children? If school age they don’t need you as much so ideal to get back to work.

I would have chosen my husband over my friend. Is it too late to talk to him about this? Would you tell your friend you have to spend less time with him, because it's affecting your relationship? You don't have to cut him off, just not spend one to one time with him. And dial back the messages.

So 3-4 times a week? What your your husband doing during this time?

You’ve chosen your friendship which you’re entitled to do but your husband is also entitled to end the relationship because he isn’t happy.

You’ll need to make arrangements for childcare for your child as your husband doesn’t need to care for the child. Is their father around to provide the support?

Could the real issue be this? Assuming your DH works full time to support your family, when was his down time and when did you spend time as a family? 2 evenings a week and a Saturday out plus another lunch seems a lot to me if you have a family, especially if you're not contributing financially.

Lol

I can actually see his point. I don't think it was just the time you were spending with him there was probably more to it than that.

My partner has more female friends than male friends.And I have to say, i'm not keen on it. It's not the time he spends with them it's not a huge amount of time, It's the level of emotional involvement. I don't think it's appropriate.

Especially not when he provides emotional support to these women in ways he sometimes hasn't with me. Some of these women, in fact, most of them all have problems.And he takes their problems on and dumps it in my lap too.

Sometimes I felt like saying to him. I really don't care. I've got enough on my plate right now with everything i've been through recently without having to listen to your friend's histrionics, as well. These women have support systems other than him. One day, I will say it to him if it goes too far. It hasn't yet though.

I won't go into it further though because this thread isn't about me. It is a problem and something I m not happy with, but not enough for me to leave.

Your husband has decided to leave a marriage over it and that speaks volumes. You say you started spending a lot of time with this man when he got made redundant. Has he got no one else in the world other than a married female friend, he can rely on?

I think you'll find it's a level of emotional and investment and taking on all this man's problems with his redundancies, that he has an issue with.

You really should have acquiesced. You have two children together and they ve lost their stable home with two parents around because of some friend who when he gets a job again he won't be seeing him as much anyway. I bet if the situation was reversed.This friend wouldn't have prioritised you. Your step child has also experienced their second breakup of a relationship, potentially. It won't be good for him or her either.

Hope it was worth it.

Sorry op, but you sound a bit entitled. Why would your ex be expected to support you, or a child who is not his? He isn’t, and yes, you will likely need to work full time or close to it. He is expected to support his own children.
It sounds like you were unwilling to compromise in any way when your ex asked you to reduce your time with your hobby/friend. He clearly felt very strongly about this and a compromise would have been a wiser choice if you wanted to keep your marriage.

Hang on. Your husband is paying for his step-child, (your child but not his) whilst you're not working and living a life of ladies that lunch? And you wonder why he left you?

it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever.

Bullshit. This is women you're talking to, don't pee on our feet and tell us it's raining. Come on! If it was only platonic, you would have had NO PROBLEMS in giving him up to save your marriage. The fact you could not give this man up, not even to save your own family and marriage, shows you are deeply obsessed with this man. To be prepared to blow up your entire family, for some man, shows an obsession. Not merely a 'friendship'. You're lying to yourself.

Btw, your 'friend' is a piece of shit too because any man learning he was the cause of a marriage and family breaking up would be absolutely mortified, and would step back and end the friendship, he'd do the right thing. The fact your 'friend' seems content to keep contact with you, knowing that his doing so is the reason a family and marriage has been destroyed, is a garbage person.
Sorry but I think perhaps you both do deserve each other.

If he had no suspicions about an affair, it seems to me he was being controlling about how you spend your free time. You shouldn’t be asked to choose between a friend and your husband. But I am surprised that a compromise couldn’t be found, maybe restricting the lunches to once a month.

But as he is resolute all you can do now is get a solicitor and hash out the divorce.

You haven't really said how you feel about losing your marriage over this. Were you really as happy as you thought you were? You chose your friendship over your DH and don't seem to have put up much of a fight. I'm not having a go, it's just an observation. You had a chance to resolve this but you didn't.

Why did you think you'd progress towards counselling? You knew the problem and how to fix it. Did you think counselling would help him 'accept' this situation and you could maintain the status quo?

He wasn't being controlling. He said he was uncomfortable (meaning he did suspect an affair, and given how very deeply obsessed and utterly enmeshed the OP seems with this man, it's quite obvious it is an emotional affair at the very, very least) with their level of contact. She said I won't stop. He then left. As is his right. No control there, just both OP and husband making a decision. She chose the man on the side, he chose to leave.

Are you missing your husband or just the financial benefits?

has the friendship developed into something else since your husband left?

Why would you expect your husband who has been made redundant to financially support you and your child?

Sorry op but it sounds like he told you he was uncomfortable with the set up and you continued to cross a boundary for him, gave you an ultimatum and you still proceeded to go ahead and ignore his wishes, so he has decided to leave. Ultimately you put this man’s friendship before your husband. I think your husband was right to remove himself from the situation. Aside from their school fees, will he be providing child maintenance? That will be a start and you will perhaps need to claim UC until you find yourself a job. Will he be looking after his own DC? It’s not really his responsibility to look after his step child. Sounds like you were lucky he was supporting you and a child that wasn’t his anyway? Is there any way for you to salvage your relationship and apologise for the huge mistake you’ve made, agreeing to cut this friendship off?