Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

[Lll09]

I knew my friend long before I met my husband; we have been close friends for years, and it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever. However, my husband has become increasingly annoyed at the amount of time I've even spending with them - he has been made redundant and has a lot of free time.
My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left.

On the whole, I thought we had a happy marriage, aside from this issue. We have 2 children, plus 1 from my previous marriage. I thought, he'd clam down and we'd progress to counselling but he's made it clear he isn't interested.

At the start of the school holidays, he told me he is no longer willing to financially support me and has told me to find a full time job. It's going to be a nightmare because he has been very noncommittal about providing childcare for his step child, although he has said he will continue to contribute to their school fees.

A few friends have said I should have acquiesced, and I sometimes thing i should have.

Agree with others that he is well rid of you.

Just wait until the friend finds a job. It will all stop and she'll be left, trying to find childcare for her first child and her school fees.

I've said it before, but three times a week is more 1:1 time than some married couples have together once you factor in child care and work responsibilities.

So you fucked up your life, your kids' life, got into situation where you are skint, have to work full time and look after 3 kids alone - all over this friend? Hope he is worth it.

How old are your 3 dc and have you not been working up until now?

Absolutely this. She’s spending more 1:1 with this friend than her husband.

Personally I’d say meeting up with anyone 3/4 times a week seems excessive. I wouldn’t expect to see my best friends that often especially when married with 3 kids.

It’s nothing to do with insecurity, it’s the lack of respect for her DH that’s the issue. She’s happy for him to bankroll her lifestyle but doesn’t see him as her priority.

Its the same whatever sexes are involved.

You choose a friend over your husband ? I think you need to get over it then and go to work full time you made that decision
look if my dp was spending time like that with another women I wouldn’t be happy so I think your now ex dh isn’t in the wrong here

So you were spending 1 full day , one evening and one lunch date a week with this person?!! Fuck me that’s a lot , I’m not surprised your DH wasn’t happy . And you stuck to your guns because why? !

Also, did your friend know this was causing trouble in your marriage? Because if he did he’s not much of a friend !

Op I do think you were wrong to prioritise friendship over your husband and he cannot at all be expected to financially support you any more.

I have seen very few male female best friends. Now and again I’ve seen but so rare. I’m white British and not religious. The only ones I saw were totally inappropriate - clearly verging into emotional support and on one occasion they left for each other.

I have tonnes of male friends. But any time my DP said I was spending too much time with one of them I would be willing to listen but tbh I would never be spending too much time with them as my DP is my best friend and I have a close circle of girl friends too that I can be highly inappropriate with and never worry we are getting intimate.

I personally think it’s very rare to be best friends with a person you could be sexually attracted to and it ever work out.

Ps I don’t see it as controlling to ask a DP to prioritise a relationship with you over a friend. It’s controlling if it’s all friends, family etc.

I’d be pissed off if my DH insisted he needed to see any friend 3 times a week and wouldn’t discuss a compromise.

No-one is suggesting that having opposite sex friends isn’t OK but not everyone is totally secure with this and l do think you have to take that on board. Her DH wasn’t asking her to end the friendship but cut back because he felt that they were spending too much time together. I don’t think it’s necessarily jealousy and unfortunately us mumsnetters don’t know if maybe he saw something that made him uncomfortable and that’s why he asked her to cut back on time spent. I think when you’re in a committed relationship you do have to put your partner first and whatever her DH saw that made him uncomfortable, it seems that OP wasn’t even prepared to discuss it.

I can’t believe you chose a friend over your husband and security of your children. You and this friend deserve each other.

Your ex owes you nothing - why not your BFF to look after your oldest child?! He isn’t working? Although it is probably to see him.

Isn’t he mortified that he basically caused your marriage to end?! Why didn’t he step back?

Absolutely agree. I’ve got a very close male friend I’m in regular contact with. I’ve met his long term partner on several occasions and got on really well with her
If o thought for one minute our friendship was causing issues in their relationship, I’d step right back. Surely anyone who respects their friend would?

For whatever reason her DH was uncomfortable with OP seeing this man three times a week - including all day Saturday. We’re not privy to why he felt so uncomfortable but for whatever reason OP wouldn’t even discuss it, even though he wasn’t asking her to end the friendship, just cut back.

There is nothing 18th century about asking to be prioritised over a friendship - a spouse is supposed to be the most important person in your life. OP ignored his feelings and carried on regardless and now she’s paying the price. And the fact that her DH doesn’t want a reconciliation speaks volumes about the detail OP isn’t sharing. If you’re not going to prioritise your partners feelings what is the point of the relationship in the first place.

What ?

You can try to bog people down in the language but the underlying issue is the same. OP prioritised a friendship over her DH and her family. There’s no suggestion that her DH is trying to buy control, that’s ridiculous. He wasn’t asking OP to end the friendship, but to cut back on the time spent on it. I suspect that OP isn’t telling us the whole story here. The ‘friend’ is now unemployed and I think that’s resulted in OP spending even more time with him and that’s when her DH has taken issue with it. I don’t blame him.

Ex wanted boundaries. He was unhappy with how much time his non working wife and her non working friend were spending together. He asked her to cut down on the time.

OP decided she wasn't ok with those boundaries and refused.

Ex dumped her. The relationship no longer worked for him.

Now she's here moaning that ex told her she needs to go back to work and he's not providing childcare for her oldest.

She's been living off ex even after he left. He's now letting her know he's not subsidizing her any more. She's had 6 months to find a job and child care but hasn't.

The distinction is that one person is working and the other isn’t. Children are of school age so can hardly claim she’s busy at home. If you can’t see that the OP was taking the piss out of her exDH, then I fear for your understanding of how relationships work.

This. So many posters trying to support OP’s behaviour.

Yes, but I think many of those threads are unreasonable too. It worries me how many people obviously think men and woman can’t be just friends.

At the time I posted, the OP said she saw him once a week for lunch after he was made redundant, and both other times were with others in a group, doing a hobby. That is still most of the weekend and 5 nights a week with her husband. Who wasn’t complaining about the time she spent socialising/doing her hobby, just the fact that she was socialising with a particular friend - because he is male.

Maybe platonic friend could pay the school fees and do your childcare? Have you asked him? Im sure he would be delighted to.

You chose your friend over your husband and thought he’d bank roll you, no idea why you are shocked, he saw through you.

Without the husband’s perspective I don’t think anyone can say for sure that his objection was wholly that the friend was male. If that were the case the logical thing would be that he would be pushing for it to stop altogether.

I don’t think either of you have done anything wrong about the issue of the friend. I would never let a partner dictate who I could be friends with or how often I saw/spoke to them. It’s not about “choosing a friend over your partner”. It’s the principles that everyone is entitled to a life outside of the relationship, that friendships are important and deserve emotional investment and attention, and that a partner has no right to demand you change how you live your life, especially if the friend pre-dates the relationship. That said, if he really couldn’t abide the friendship, he did the right thing to leave you. It’s the only course of action available to him really if he wouldn’t accept the friendship (and yes I think most threads about husbands’ female friends are also unreasonable and controlling).

That said, you are VVVVVU to want to keep leeching off him financially.

I don’t know whether the OP is deluded or lying or not hurt if my DH told me I had to give up a friendship for him I’d tell him to take a running jump. No one tells me who I can and can’t be friends with. That doesn’t indicate obsession at all, it indicates someone that makes their own decisions and doesn’t want to be controlled. No one should have to end friendships to keep a relationship.