Grandson living with me and I'm struggling

[AngelicAbout]

Posting here for traffic

My son briefly dated a woman for a few months and ended up having grandson (16, 17 at the end of the month). His mum was his resident parent until he was about 11, there's a long backstory but she chose a man over him/her other children (son isn't the father of his siblings). He also came out around this time and his mum tried to guilt trip him. My son had full custody of him from then. He hasn't seen his mum in year's but she does send the occasional message although I don't think he replies to her most the time.

2 years ago my son moved grandson up here with him, son is autistic and has mental health issues himself and was quite lonely down in their previous area and was struggling with grandson and his school refusal at his old school anyway.

They moved here summer 2023, they were living with myself and my husband and grandson started Y10 at his new school that September. From the off we had issues with him refusing to go, he hated it, had no friends etc and was angry at my son for moving him away from his friends. Son promised he could move back down south for him to start college in their old area (I'm not sure why he said this as I don't think this was the plan!

After a few months we had the education welfare team out many times, he was very behind at school and they weren't sure he’d catch up. They figured out he was working at a year 8 level, no sen although I do think he is autistic like my son but he gets defensive and says he isn't. We got him a tutor over zoom and he was still on the school roll. It was 2 hours a day and the plan was to continue with the tutor but slowly work up to him being in full time school. This never happened, he went in for a few hours but he started refusing again and also refused to engage with the tutor. He would lie and say it had been cancelled etc.
This year he was due to sit his GCSEs but that didn't happen, he's agreed to go to college and sit them but that doesn't look likely. He's fixated on what my son said 2 years ago about moving back down south (we’re in Manchester) for college. Anyway that's the education aspect. My son ended up moving out and grandson stayed living here.

Grandsons behaviour is awful, he barely leaves his room, his sleep schedule is all over the place, he sleeps all day and is awake all night playing games and on discord calls to people in America etc. He self harms and has threatened suicide but I don't know if he's serious or trying to be manipulative, drinks/smokes weed. He likes cooking but doesn't tidy up after himself. He shouts at me for simple things such as putting a t-shirt of his in the dryer, putting his clothes away in his drawer to try and be helpful. Calls me an old bitch and other things. He doesn't eat during the day he cooks at night. Manipulated my son into giving him money for a new PC as he broke his previous one by spilling juice on it. He then got a virus on the new PC within a few days. Last Christmas he lied to my son about me taking his Christmas money
My son might be evicted so will more than likely move back in and he's not happy at all, that's when he threatened suicide (again), told me I shouldn't give him money when he asks (it's not up to grandson though!), said his dad ignores him and only messages when he wants something which isn't true he tries to make an effort but grandson ignores his messages. He does message grandson if I haven't replied to ask if I'm awake/ask him to get me to call him etc but he does message other times too.

Sorry this post is so long. I've tried getting Camhs involved but the wait list is long and probably will turn 18 before we get an appointment and I doubt he'd engage anyway. School tried to get him to talk to the school counsellor but wouldn't

If anyone has questions I'll answer and there's things I've not included as I don't want to make it too long

Sorry, I don't understand why your GS is living with you. Why isn't he living with his DF? How has this responsibility landed on your doorstep? Because his DF is autistic? Because his DM is irresponsible and feckless? You should get SS involved. This really isn't your responsibility and if your GS has not taken his GCSEs what is the plan going forward? He's 16 years old without any qualifications and he's sitting in his room smoking weed, gaming and abusing you and your hospitality. He needs to be in employment, doing something academic or in training for a vocational career. If you don't want him wasting his life and ruining yours you need to reach out for help, because it sounds like his parents simply aren't up to the job. It sounds like he urgently needs to be assessed for autism too. With an autistic DF the odds are high, particularly with his behaviour. Make an appt with your GP and explain the situation and beg for him to be put on the list for assessment.

I have absolutely no suggestions but I feel your distress.
My broken-hearted son had to move back in with me two years ago; he has four children who are here every weekend and some weekday evenings. They are all NT but I am not well (m.e.) and struggle massively with the noise and disruption.
I hope your DGS shapes up soon and starts to bring joy into your life.

They moved in 2 years ago. My son moved out last year but grandson was settled, had his room sorted and didn't want to go with his dad.

He agreed to go to college in sept and do his GCSEs but I'm not sure how likely that is

He won't engage with the idea of him being autistic, I tried to bring it up again at the weekend but he told me to go away and leave him alone, said me going on at him is why he doesn't leave his room

He barely leaves the house to he honest, he went out last week to a concert but that was the first time in a while he'd left the house (apart from quick trips to tesco which is a 5 min walk).

Kick him out, time to move back to his dads.

Where does he get money from for weed etc? Cut him off. If he wants money he will have to earn it

He is your son's responsibility. Time for him to move back with his dad. Dad needs to step up.

Poor kid, sound like he had no chance. Pair of useless parents, why did no one step in earlier?

I wish him living with his dad was that simple but as I said in my OP, he's likely to be evicted so will move back in with us and grandson also isn't happy about that as I said.

His dad gives him money, he threatened suicide for the new PC and he just gave him the money, he'd broken his old one by spilling his drink on it (accidentally) but he then got a virus on the new PC within days and had to send it to get fixed. He lies to his dad about us having no food in and again his dad gives him money, we do have food in when he says this btw. Or his dad says his food he's eating is “unsuitable” because he mixes a bunch of food together into a saucepan and it doesn't look nice at all or enjoyable but he always eats it so 🤷‍♀️ I'm not the one serving food like that to him. I don't really cook for him as he refuses to leave his room most the time and he only eats at night (when we're in bed) no matter how many times I've tried to get him to eat

I'm just so tired of it all

This is too much hassle for you. I understand you are frustrated. I would be too, you've raised your DC.
I wouldn't like to see DGC abandoned but you cannot take on the challenge of changing his mindset.
His parents are not great.
He has been allowed to get this way.
Many parents allow this with their DC because it is easier than parenting.

There’s no easy answer for you OP, there’s really not much of a safety net. Social services are not going to help, there’s no point trying to get an assessment if your grandson won’t engage, and even if you did this it probably wouldn’t make much difference to anything. But I’m sure you know all of this already, I’m only really saying it in the hopes that other people might read it before telling you to do these things.
Your son is a ratbag telling your grandson that they are going to move back down south . Is there anyway you can lean on your son to do this? Shared flat, housing benefits etc…is it out if the question?clearly you need respite.
Your son is also a ratbag for giving your grandson money without speaking to you first. I think a major part of your response needs to be toughening up on this kind of thing with your son as he is just undermining you.
It’s positive that your grandson is cooking for himself, also the gaming thing - it’s not necessarily the complete waste of time it seems to other people. I’m only saying this as it might be a phase he grows through, he may have learnt quite a few skills from doing it which you’re not aware of which can be quite valuable. I say this from experience. If your grandson is autistic, he may be fixated on what he’s doing and pretty much impossible to stop so it might be better to go with it and show more interest rather than disapproval

No one stepped in because no one knew, his mums behaviour flew under the radar til her partner was on their radar and it was a huge safeguarding risk, he couldn't be around the children but she chose him over her kids then my son had full custody of him. I do think my son let him get away with a lot when they weren't living here like the school refusal but he did try with him when he was here, would get him up for school etc but he just wouldn't go. He still does try but he doesn't answer his messages or come down and talk to him when he comes over. He's angry about him moving away from his friends and hasn't attempted to make more

To be honest I wouldn't let someone who called me an 'old bitch' call the tune about whether he lived with me or not!

So your grandson is 17/18? Forget what your DGS wants, he is abusive and that is intolerable. He needs to go back to your DS. If DGS is living with him, it may help your son get housing if he is evicted.

You need to set a clear boundary that there will be no drinking alcohol or smoking weed in your house at all and stick to this - this is the starting point and if he breaks this rule he's out.

You also need to remind yourself that you are the grandmother and not the mother - I understand your son is autistic but so are many parents and this isn't a reason for you to be parenting an adult and his almost adult son.

This is your time now, you've raised your children. It's lovely to show support but you can't be their safety net at the expensive of your own sanity and home - hell no. You need to let everyone figure out their own lives. But I would start with boundaries in your home until they can organise a two bedroom property to share.

No weed
No alcohol
No verbal abuse
No violence
No treating you like piece of shit
No gaming through the night and sleeping all day.

If he breaks the rules you need to be strong and put him out. I hope things work out OP xx

Don't bother discussing an ASD diagnosis with DS. He'll have to deal with it eventually.

For now, can DS present to the council with his DS when he is evicted? I assume he is not in a good mindset either, facing eviction.

To be really harsh OP, your DGS is a manipulative little thug, threatening suicide, disrespecting his Grandparents and their home.

Could adult social services help with housing.

Sounds like both his parents have given up on the parenting aspect of having a son. Why has it fallen to you? Why does your son have to move back in with you because he's being evicted? The move up north has hardly been a resounding success for anyone - you, your son or your grandson. Its time for the parents to parent not drop all their problems at your doorstep.

Cut off the money supply and cut off the internet at night. Teens need to know they don’t get the world handed to them on a plate. This poor lads childhood has been awful but that doesn’t excuse you being abused in your own house.

Oh op you are his only safety net. As hard as it is - you are more to him than both parents put together.

Sit down and ask him to agree to college in September. It is conditional, and he must follow through. Start setting an alarm, and getting him up. Help him reset his life. Discord is almost certainly pushing his self harm. Turn off the WiFi at 10pm.

Start taking control op, you are following your sons model, but you can put your foot down in your own home!

Is he violent? Are you frightened of his reaction, if you turn off the WiFi.
If you are, then he has to leave as he will not respect any boundaries.

Grandson is 16, he finished Y11 this year (not that he went) and he's 17 on the 31st of this month. My son is being evicted due to the landlord selling up and he may struggle to find a new place so he asked if he can move back in.

My husband works away for weeks sometimes months at a time and he isn't my sons dad/grandsons grandad and they don't have a relationship at all grandson ignores him.

I've tried turning the wifi off he just has data, he doesn't let me in his room so I've no chance of taking the PC. He screamed at me last time when I went in whilst he was out and removed razors/tissues with blood on or if I simply put some clothes away.

My son had no intention of moving down south with him, he said it 2 years ago in hope that by the time it came to it he had friends and he was happy about staying. I do believe he would have friends by now if he attempted to make some. I've told my son he shouldn't have lied to him but he hasn't really listened. He just says it's done now and he'll just have to start college here

My son might be evicted so will more than likely move back in

Your son doesn't need to move back into your house. You have every right to say you've offered enough help and he needs to find alternative accomodation.

As for your grandchild, if he's staying in your house then he needs to start showing some respect. If he's unable to follow your rules, and refuses to engage with college then he needs to leave. The best thing you can do here is show him that his actions have consequences.

Your son should never have said they would move back for college, that was an awful thing to do.
Moving forward, your son needs to provide a home for him and his son, living with you doesn’t work. Does your son have a job? Why is he being evicted?

You say he came out - so he's gay? And his mum guilt tripped him for it? In what way, was it e.g. that he was letting her down for not marrying a woman/having children the hetero way? Puberty is hard when you're gay, especially with unsupportive parents who don't accept you being gay.

Does he know/see any people socially? There are reputable organisation he could contact for a chat/text so he doesn't feel so alone e.g. Switchboard:
https://switchboard.lgbt

And there are LGBT youth groups across Greater Manchester:
https://www.theproudtrust.org/about-us/young-persons-services/the-proud-trust-youth-groups/

Take him to see the Manchester Pride parade on 23 August, maybe have a drink at a quiet gay pub on a Friday afternoon, watch Drag Race UK together when it starts again this autumn. He's in a great city to be a young gay man.

Op, contact kinship care, they provide support and guidance in these situations (to you).
gs has been abandoned by both parents
he will be responding through trauma
agree his behaviour is not great but you can’t force someone to change
dont give up, but do set boundaries (don’t stress about internet- gs could be using it to self regulate)

son doesn’t get to return - he’s an adult and needs to sort alternative accommodation, rental etc and move his child back with him.

https://kinship.org.uk/