Grandson living with me and I'm struggling

[AngelicAbout]

Posting here for traffic

My son briefly dated a woman for a few months and ended up having grandson (16, 17 at the end of the month). His mum was his resident parent until he was about 11, there's a long backstory but she chose a man over him/her other children (son isn't the father of his siblings). He also came out around this time and his mum tried to guilt trip him. My son had full custody of him from then. He hasn't seen his mum in year's but she does send the occasional message although I don't think he replies to her most the time.

2 years ago my son moved grandson up here with him, son is autistic and has mental health issues himself and was quite lonely down in their previous area and was struggling with grandson and his school refusal at his old school anyway.

They moved here summer 2023, they were living with myself and my husband and grandson started Y10 at his new school that September. From the off we had issues with him refusing to go, he hated it, had no friends etc and was angry at my son for moving him away from his friends. Son promised he could move back down south for him to start college in their old area (I'm not sure why he said this as I don't think this was the plan!

After a few months we had the education welfare team out many times, he was very behind at school and they weren't sure he’d catch up. They figured out he was working at a year 8 level, no sen although I do think he is autistic like my son but he gets defensive and says he isn't. We got him a tutor over zoom and he was still on the school roll. It was 2 hours a day and the plan was to continue with the tutor but slowly work up to him being in full time school. This never happened, he went in for a few hours but he started refusing again and also refused to engage with the tutor. He would lie and say it had been cancelled etc.
This year he was due to sit his GCSEs but that didn't happen, he's agreed to go to college and sit them but that doesn't look likely. He's fixated on what my son said 2 years ago about moving back down south (we’re in Manchester) for college. Anyway that's the education aspect. My son ended up moving out and grandson stayed living here.

Grandsons behaviour is awful, he barely leaves his room, his sleep schedule is all over the place, he sleeps all day and is awake all night playing games and on discord calls to people in America etc. He self harms and has threatened suicide but I don't know if he's serious or trying to be manipulative, drinks/smokes weed. He likes cooking but doesn't tidy up after himself. He shouts at me for simple things such as putting a t-shirt of his in the dryer, putting his clothes away in his drawer to try and be helpful. Calls me an old bitch and other things. He doesn't eat during the day he cooks at night. Manipulated my son into giving him money for a new PC as he broke his previous one by spilling juice on it. He then got a virus on the new PC within a few days. Last Christmas he lied to my son about me taking his Christmas money
My son might be evicted so will more than likely move back in and he's not happy at all, that's when he threatened suicide (again), told me I shouldn't give him money when he asks (it's not up to grandson though!), said his dad ignores him and only messages when he wants something which isn't true he tries to make an effort but grandson ignores his messages. He does message grandson if I haven't replied to ask if I'm awake/ask him to get me to call him etc but he does message other times too.

Sorry this post is so long. I've tried getting Camhs involved but the wait list is long and probably will turn 18 before we get an appointment and I doubt he'd engage anyway. School tried to get him to talk to the school counsellor but wouldn't

If anyone has questions I'll answer and there's things I've not included as I don't want to make it too long

I think you could also phone the National Autistic Society helpline and see if they can point you towards parenting courses for autustic adults, as a future solution has surely got to involve your son taking on more parenting, and he needs more skills to do that.

Please also call Shelter and get advice on the eviction, as it is really not straightforward for landlords to evict clued-up tenants (I'm a landlord).

My son also gives a small amount of money for me but most months I have to lend him some as he's in his overdraft and needs it for food and to get to work. He's terrible with money

He doesn't have a social worker, he did where they lived previously but over there he was signed off as he was doing well and they had no concerns. They were going to put him in for counselling or play therapy etc due to what he went through at his mums but with covid it never happened. Posters here have said with his age and refusing to engage social services wouldn't do anything

That's a good point talking to him about what he said about being a twitch streamer. I do have some idea, the one he watches (well talks about I'm sure he watches others too) live streams himself playing games and grandson is obsessed. He has his merchandise from his clothing brand etc. I don't think becoming a streamer is that easy though otherwise everyone that is interested in videogames would be one if it was so easy??

My son has struggled on and off for years with his MH, he is on antidepressants and does well for ages but it's taken a hit again with the eviction and in turn he stopped going to work so is on his final warning but if he loses his job that'll make things worse for him mentally and as a whole so I've been trying to encourage him to go but he says he's exhausted and stressed etc

I'll contact the national autistic society for advice and shelter, I think my son said that his landlord has given him until the beginning of sept? I don't know if its legal or not but my son doesn't want to fight it, he says it'll make no difference anyway.

I did phone the GP and the receptionist wasn't exactly friendly, but I explained everything about the self harm and suicide threats and that he refuses to engage. She said because he's nearly 17 they can't discuss his medical info with me without his consent. She mentioned my son calling but still said they'd need grandsons consent to talk to him which I'm not sure he'd give. I asked if they could put a note on his file and she agreed but I'm not sure whether that'll happen

I asked about an appointment and she said grandson would have to make one himself, I told her he won't and she said the only other options are taking him to A&E or phoning 111 if he's in immediate crisis. I tried asking about anti depressants or something to help him sleep as sleeping all day surely isn't helping him mentally, she said CAMHS would have to do that. So we're no further forward and now I'm worrying about both of them

Managing money | Autism Central https://share.google/dP6Tt6nUDaAEBGJCn there is a free 6 week online course your son could do.

The GP's response sounds disappointing. It could be worth changing GP unless there are compelling reasons to stick with the current one. I changed GP about 12 years ago and my goodness the new one is better! I'm afraid I asked a friend who worked for the NHS which practice they got the fewest complaints about!

Have you had a look at the Mindjam website? They provide counselling and support to autistic young people online through gaming. They would definitely be able to discuss Switch streaming. There's a waiting list normally so get him on it?

Innovative MindJam Mentoring & Counselling for Young People https://share.google/yIMcLAz7KEFnzv5y0

Might be worth a look at this too.

Financial support and benefits for kinship carers - Kinship https://share.google/WAEloqghKb6qAVkdb

Turn2us Grants Search https://share.google/0kCoRmXTA8q9ONBMS

Please just don’t accept that your son will move back in with you as a fait acompli if/ when he loses his job or is evicted. He needs to present to the council as homeless, they can find him and your grandson some temporary accommodation.
Why should you and your husband have your lives put out to this level?

This is standard for all GPs though, I wouldn't waste your time @AngelicAbout doing this as it's the policy. He's 17, no GP will share the information with a grandmother or even a parent (he gains control automatically at 16 over his medical information and records). If he signs a form, the GP and any GP will let OP have access, book appointments etc but he has to give the GP his consent first. Otherwise the receptionist is right, it's going to A&E, calling 111 and calling the LA and referring to SS.

That's useful to know, thank you.

That is rubbish though! I teach that age group and there is no way the majority of them are responsible enough for that kind of decision making.

Hell, I struggle to get my 58 year old DH to see the doctor!

Well I think it depends, you can get the control at 13 (if a doctor deems you competent etc) which I did for many reasons and I managed chronic conditions and severe illness myself including appointments and letters and scans and extra research. Though at the time many of peers would have struggled to do so and still got their parents to call to book appointments for them. But I had my reasons, and I was and still am glad I did it. It took a bit for doctors to repeect me, but I was a good advocate and did lots of research etc and learnt myself. I do think 16 is a gold age to do it though, you're growing in independence and also you can consent to having your parents in the appointment (up to you, not them), so you develop skills of advocacy and dealing with issues yourself but can lean on extra support if you want.

I just think it's really odd to deem children competent to look after their own health at this age when they're still being babied through their education.

Especially with the assertive way you have to approach healthcare these days.

I know it's not ideal my son moving back in but I'm unsure how the council would help a single lone male, I don't think he'd be a priority especially as grandson is living here (and with grandson being nearly 17 I dont think he'd make son much more of a priority anyway as he's not a small child). I think all they'd offer is a room in a shared house/hostel which he’d struggle with massively, sharing a space with people he doesn't know. I don't think him being autistic will make him more of a priority as he is capable of living alone.

Thank you for the links, the mindjam one looks good, does grandson need a diagnosis for that? I'll show my son the ma aging money link, I've been trying to year's but maybe that'll help. Anything's worth a try.

I'm surprised about needing my grandsons consent to book a GP appointment, I'm sure j was booking appointments for my son until he turned 22 so even when he was a dad (he was 18 when grandson was born), he didn't fill in any forms giving consent IIRC or maybe his diagnosis made me able to? I'm unsure or maybe its changed since

My son sent me a picture of the eviction letter. It says the landlord is serving notice under Section 21 of the Housing Act and that he has to leave the property by the 2nd of September. The reason given is the landlord wants to sell the house. It says if he doesn't leave by then they can apply to court for possession. It does look like a legal eviction, there's no fault on my son's part apart from the rent going up and him struggling a bit but he has been paying. It's just the landlord wants to sell.

I don't think you need a diagnosis for Mindjam but there is a cost.

Rules have slightly changed and are more enforced now, as practices and patients (often the children) are more aware of the regulations. His diagnosis sometimes may surpass this, but it would have to be for as short a time as possible and also very unique - despite your grandsons issue, the GP would still need his consent currently. Overall I think it's a good idea and I'm glad its being enforced more regularly, but every policy will have its drawbacks and in your situation OP, this is one.

I'll look into mindjam and get him added to the waitlist. I am worried about college as his sleep is all over the place. He only woke up about an hour and half ago, he is normally asleep when I get up but this morning he wasn't and he's blamed me for talking to him and that's what delayed him going to bed. If it's like this by September he won't be getting up to go or he'll end up being exhausted. I know teens do sleep in until noon but he's totally nocturnal and I am worried as he's getting no vitamin D or fresh air at all

My son has been looking at places again, both 1 and 2 bed but he feels guilty if he gets just a 1 bed as then grandson can't stay with him, my son has messaged him to ask if he’d stay but he's not replied. He's struggling to find somewhere close to us and work

It's not unusual for 16-18 year olds to have these kind of sleep difficulties (usually caused by staying up all night on the Xbox but can also be physiological). There are several such in all my 6th form classes and if they pass exams they can continue. Obviously sleeping through public exams is an issue! Speaking as a parent of a younger child with ADHD, we have had to be incredibly strict with sleep hygiene with her and she has taken melatonin since age 7. Reversed sleep schedules can be fixed but it takes time and patience.

I really think you and DS need support from a social worker or family worker to get DGS into that 2 bed. "Ask him if he wants to stay" is hardly going to cut it.

I do think the sleep issues are due to him wanting to just game and be on his PC. He was still awake this morning again but the plus side, he was in a good mood this morning and sort of agreed to go to college tomorrow, he just said “whatever”. Then he went out and came back smelling of weed and swore blind he hadn't been but was arguing with me saying his friends probably don't want to be his friends as he hardly sees them and they're all doing things together but he can't. he's been asleep since this afternoon and I'm hoping he wakes up in a better mood.

My son has mentioned them moving down south as he promised because up here hasn't been helpful to either of them but I've told him it's not a good idea as it'll just confused grandson even more, I'm not sure if its gone in. I don't think social services could realistically force him to go live with his dad, I'm unsure what they could do in this situation