Grandson living with me and I'm struggling

[AngelicAbout]

Posting here for traffic

My son briefly dated a woman for a few months and ended up having grandson (16, 17 at the end of the month). His mum was his resident parent until he was about 11, there's a long backstory but she chose a man over him/her other children (son isn't the father of his siblings). He also came out around this time and his mum tried to guilt trip him. My son had full custody of him from then. He hasn't seen his mum in year's but she does send the occasional message although I don't think he replies to her most the time.

2 years ago my son moved grandson up here with him, son is autistic and has mental health issues himself and was quite lonely down in their previous area and was struggling with grandson and his school refusal at his old school anyway.

They moved here summer 2023, they were living with myself and my husband and grandson started Y10 at his new school that September. From the off we had issues with him refusing to go, he hated it, had no friends etc and was angry at my son for moving him away from his friends. Son promised he could move back down south for him to start college in their old area (I'm not sure why he said this as I don't think this was the plan!

After a few months we had the education welfare team out many times, he was very behind at school and they weren't sure he’d catch up. They figured out he was working at a year 8 level, no sen although I do think he is autistic like my son but he gets defensive and says he isn't. We got him a tutor over zoom and he was still on the school roll. It was 2 hours a day and the plan was to continue with the tutor but slowly work up to him being in full time school. This never happened, he went in for a few hours but he started refusing again and also refused to engage with the tutor. He would lie and say it had been cancelled etc.
This year he was due to sit his GCSEs but that didn't happen, he's agreed to go to college and sit them but that doesn't look likely. He's fixated on what my son said 2 years ago about moving back down south (we’re in Manchester) for college. Anyway that's the education aspect. My son ended up moving out and grandson stayed living here.

Grandsons behaviour is awful, he barely leaves his room, his sleep schedule is all over the place, he sleeps all day and is awake all night playing games and on discord calls to people in America etc. He self harms and has threatened suicide but I don't know if he's serious or trying to be manipulative, drinks/smokes weed. He likes cooking but doesn't tidy up after himself. He shouts at me for simple things such as putting a t-shirt of his in the dryer, putting his clothes away in his drawer to try and be helpful. Calls me an old bitch and other things. He doesn't eat during the day he cooks at night. Manipulated my son into giving him money for a new PC as he broke his previous one by spilling juice on it. He then got a virus on the new PC within a few days. Last Christmas he lied to my son about me taking his Christmas money
My son might be evicted so will more than likely move back in and he's not happy at all, that's when he threatened suicide (again), told me I shouldn't give him money when he asks (it's not up to grandson though!), said his dad ignores him and only messages when he wants something which isn't true he tries to make an effort but grandson ignores his messages. He does message grandson if I haven't replied to ask if I'm awake/ask him to get me to call him etc but he does message other times too.

Sorry this post is so long. I've tried getting Camhs involved but the wait list is long and probably will turn 18 before we get an appointment and I doubt he'd engage anyway. School tried to get him to talk to the school counsellor but wouldn't

If anyone has questions I'll answer and there's things I've not included as I don't want to make it too long

Yes, it was to you. Thank you for replying.
So they are 16. Are they about to start year 11 or have they just finished? Mainstream or special?
Did they get GCSEs?

I completely understand the dopamine seeking and the time blindness too.
Children with ADHD commonly have 2 sets of time. Now and not now.
They seek immediate reward and make impulsive decisions. I find the medication helps a little but much of the lessons are learnt through trial and error, and a large dose of compromising. I cannot recall my child ever learning from my warnings.
They find it very difficult, almost impossible to see into the future. All of the future is not now. I call this one of the curses of ADHD. I cannot fix all of their mistakes, nor can I prevent them making the mistakes, but once made, getting annoyed doesn't fix them. However, it does prevent my child seeking my help, when they think I'm going to berate them.
They would cover stuff up to avoid my frustration and anger.

I am here to help and now that I have put the responsibility on them to make their own choices, they feel that and are making better choices and learning prevention from their own mistakes.
It is hard as a parent. It requires a lot of biting my tongue and deep breathing but the results are that my child turns towards me when they need help rather than turning away from me and towards other people who don't have their best interests at heart, and who in some cases may do them harm.
Do I believe they bring lots of problems onto themselves? Absolutely!
Do I believe many of those problems can be prevented? Definitely!
However, me telling them doesn't sink in. They seem to learn more effectively by falling and experiencing that rather than by me preventing them from falling in the first place.
I have always worked on the basis of prevention is better than cure, but for my child, they learn to make better choices after making the mistakes themselves.

I just wish we had a relationship, he acts like a stranger. He barely leaves his room but when he does he comes down and walks straight past me, doesn't say a word and ignores me if I say something to him or starts shouting if it's something he doesn't like. I just want to spend time with him even if it's simply watching tv with him or know how he feels etc. He just acts as if he hates me

Realistically, this should have never have been shouldered by you. His father should have applied for social housing and then he’d eventually have a stable place to stay with no risk of eviction. What a massive missed opportunity.

If your grandson doesn’t want to pursue an education then present him with the alternative: become an adult and contribute.
Being there for him it’s important of course, so is showing love - but getting him to respect you and the house he lives in is also important. He needs to learn no matter how tense or huffing and puffing he gets.

I feel for him. A lot of recent attitudes remind me of earlier struggles I had with DD. You need to be firm. Like a PP, I’ve also found CAMHS to be pretty much pointless (DD says the same). But feeling for him and understanding why he’s reacting the way he is doesn’t mean he gets a pass.

Your DS is an absolute dick. He uprooted his kid and moved him to the other side of the country, the abandoned him dumping him on you.

Yes, but does your child have any qualifications?
Because all the gentle parenting in the world won't fix their future, or the OP's GC's, or my DC's, if they have opted out the systems successfully.
CAMHS and the government won't care and they'll become another statistic - part of the 70% without work or purpose - and worse, politicians that won't support them whilst offering no other pathways.

How does he contribute as an adult/manage to get a job without even his core subjects at GCSE? Genuine question.
The job market atm is impossible for graduates, let alone for school-leavers at 17 with no exams under their belt.

Yes, DC has GCSE's and will be starting A Levels in September.
What are your hopes for your DC?

The same. I'll be more than happy if they get their GCSEs and go onto sixth form college.
I am just desperate to have a plan B, plan C, plan D if the next four years to GCSE and six to A-level don't pan out. In other words, the OP's GC could be mine six years from now.
You hear of people - Alan Sugar barrel boy and even my mechanic - "left school at 14 no qualifications" - who make it but I am genuinely scared of what the future holds.
There will be many more autistic children holed up in their rooms without a future. I am aware how dramatic that sounds but have had a very rough year, sorry.
I know others who have ended up home educating, using Internet High etc and some managing to WFH but I wouldn't be able to afford either. Sorry for the hijack OP.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5392719-to-struggle-with-radical-acceptance-while-parenting-an-asd-teen?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share&utm_source=copylink

We aren't alone.

Or.... He's a very hurt young man who's been passed from pillar to post by juvenile parents with their own issues. Hurt people do tend to lash out you know. Be the grown up
He's probably desperately crying out for love, stability and attention. His family set up sounds completely neglectful. Sounds like none of you want him and he'll feel that.

Some heartless people on this thread FFS

I'm not sure it's heartless to advocate for the OP's needs (especially as she seems unable to advocate for them herself).

This is an older lady, who presumably wishes to retire one day, stuck with a late teen who accepts her hospitality but won't even acknowledge her on the stairs!

Yes, no doubt he's angry/traumatised/feels let down (and it's very unfortunate the dad lied to him about moving back down south) but in the meantime OP's stuck with this person who's not her child and doesn't seem to come with a single £ towards his support.

By whatever means, she needs to stop making this her problem and make it her son's problem.

Hopefully it will make them realise how limited their options are and go back to education with different eyes. You don’t really need GCSEs to stand in a production line 12h/day.

Some people just take longer. I know a girl who dropped out in 8th grade (this is less than mandatory schooling in my country, I don’t even understand how it happened) and only now in our 30s has settled.

@SquishedMallow I don’t think it’s heartless to exercise boundaries and expectations. With his inconsistent set up, he needs it more than ever, even if he doesn’t see it.

It would be a very heartless thing to do. This child has nothing and mo one apart from op, he has already been traumatised, and your solution is for someone else to reject him or abandon him? I imagine he is surly and rude because he is in terrible pain, the kind that is unimaginable to you.

Sometimes you have to save yourself I'm afraid.

I have some experience of school safeguarding and I have seen tough, competent, kindly middle aged women absolutely destroyed by it.

Neither you nor I can conclude from what the OP has shared that this young man is "in terrible pain". He might be (no-one will ever know if he won't or can't talk to a counsellor). He might just feel that this is as good as it's going to get, and I wouldn't be entirely certain he's not drug dealing at the Tesco. He seems to have a lot of money for someone with no income.

Maybe the OP needs to think hard about whether there's anyone from his old life he might listen to. A teacher? A friend's parent?

ITA. Even our Adults SS admits unpaid carers are at higher risk of stroke (23% higher in spousal carers); and carer breakdown is the most likely reason for people going into residential care.

See:

https://www.england.nhs.uk/commissioning/comm-carers/carer-facts/#:~:text=Unpaid%20carers%20who%20provide%20high,nearly%2011%20percent%20of%20the

The chronic ongoing stress causes poorer physical and mental health.

We did this.

Mine got qualifications but later.

If you have been abandoned by both parents, I think it’s very safe to say the poor child will be in terrible emotional pain, he is a human being after all and has already suffered an awful start in life.

You are weirdly making up lies about him drug dealing, there is no evidence of this, and you are only making things worse.

Some people enjoy the meaning that their lives have by supporting struggling children - have you considered that many people in the U.K. do in fact support young people they are not even related to? Thousands do. Thank goodness this country is made up of many more loving and compassionate people than you appear to be.

Sounds difficult

The grandson will not make friends sat in his room
He needs to get out in the real world

College how about catering school?
Part time job
Volunteer really good for networking
Raise money for charity
Join some clubs like music, theatre, sport, games, Duke of Edinburghs Award or similar

Or he needs to find an out of the family Mentor

Hi OP. I’m sos post to hear all of this, it’s sound absolutely unliveable.

I’ve no doubt your son and grandson have their issues and reasons for their behaviour, and you have been very kind in helping them.

However what come across in your post in their taking advantage of you.

your son is going to be evicted so will likely move back in? Do you want this?

your grandson smokes weed and is nocturnal, caused mess and chaos in your home and calls you names … do you want him to live with you?

the obvious solution to me is that your son organises his own accommodation and his son moves in with him.

You have been very accommodating and kind. But this isn’t your responsibility. Your home is your own, not a doss house for them to move in and out of and treat poorly.

if you don’t want them living with you then you don’t have to allow it.

I hope this works out for you, whatever you decide xx

How can they assess if he refuses to engage? He’s refused to engage with counsellors and also says he isn’t autistic so I think there’s a high possibility he’d refuse to engage with an assessment?

He will end up on the streets

I'm not "making up lies". He smokes weed so he gets it from somewhere. He has no source of money other than what the non resident dad gives him. It's hardly a stretch to think he might be making money on the transaction.

Do you actually know any NEET teenagers?

@Inshockandsome where is your love and compassion for the OP?