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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum demanding payments each month

488 replies

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:24

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

OP posts:
MyLimeGuide · 22/08/2025 08:45

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 07:11

I made a gp appointment a couple of weeks ago about other things, but they had sent me a link to health in mind self referral therapy. They’ve accepted my application, I just need to make a phone appointment. I have no idea where to start and it seems super scary to actually talk about anything to do with them to anyone in depth!

Well done its a good start, there are lots of great self help books out there too, as others said you are definitely better off without them and who needs money from people like that (i can't imagine such vile people having that much anyway) you have been through a LOT poor thing. Stay strong it can only get better now. Xx

Tagyoureit · 22/08/2025 08:48

As crazy as it sounds, us lot here are so proud of you for standing up for yourself!!
You've done!! It is going to feel weird and confusing for a while but you will get to the point where you realise youre free of the burden that you've been carrying for so long.

It will take time, Rome wasn't built in a day, but you really making such positive changes.

I really wish you the best! ❤️

Agapornis · 22/08/2025 09:33

Normal parents don't disinherit their children The money you'll save not paying may well make up for any inheritance! You're young and presumably they are too. There may well not be anything left to inherit anyway.

You could report them here for being loan sharks
https://www.stoploansharks.co.uk/

Good luck with the therapy. Definitely contact them. They'll be used to people not knowing how to talk about someone, they'll help you find a way.

Home - Stop Loan Sharks

Contact the England Illegal Money Lending Team to report a loan shark. Call the 24 hour helpline 0300 555 2222 or complete a secure form on the website.

https://www.stoploansharks.co.uk

NavyTurtle · 22/08/2025 09:58

Never 'lend' money that you cannot afford to loose. I have 'lent' money to my kids over the years. I have never seen a penny back, and I don't want to either. I am their mother, its my job.

NavyTurtle · 22/08/2025 09:59

croydon15 · 16/08/2025 21:53

You shouldn't have to fend for yourself at 17, tell your DM that you don't owe her anything in fact you have overpaid.
Any decent mother would be helping you out not trying to get half of your wages.
You be better off without her in your life.
Good luck

This x

grumpygrape · 22/08/2025 10:05

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 07:11

I made a gp appointment a couple of weeks ago about other things, but they had sent me a link to health in mind self referral therapy. They’ve accepted my application, I just need to make a phone appointment. I have no idea where to start and it seems super scary to actually talk about anything to do with them to anyone in depth!

This is great OP.
Whoever you speak to will be a stranger, just like us and you've been able to tell us all about it.
Maybe go through your posts on here , make notes, put them in order and that's your start for the therapy person.
We're all rooting for you 🤗

crazeekat · 22/08/2025 10:32

This is financial abuse. If it went in court she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. Just stop paying and let her say what she wants. She is not a good person. She is using money to control you. Do not pay more and if she demands tell her to go to small claims court. She will soon shut up. Then I would go no contact with her then get your life in order. Let it be a lesson not to borrow any more money. Use ur next wage to get yourself sorted. Do a budget calculator and give yourself a treat too.

Rallentanda · 22/08/2025 10:47

OP sending you a big hug and lots of strength. I know it’s weird and tough, but you have freedom ahead of you, and some counselling set up. And money! Wishing you all the very best.

coachinghelp · 22/08/2025 11:38

Sorry about your £100, but I think congratulations are in order for your future away from these awful people. Good luck OP you sound really nice.

Ifyounevergiveup · 22/08/2025 11:52

@Lifeisinshambles @grumpygrape is right. Trauma (which is what you’ve been experiencing for a long time) has strange effects. When you go to your counselling, for example, you may find that for a little while you can’t actually speak. This is normal and @grumpygrape’s suggestion to treat this thread as an introduction and explainer is a really good one. Don’t be afraid, try not to be nervous, this is not a job interview. It’s about you and you are the expert in the room. Big love to you and if it would be useful to you, keep posting here. You have a world (literally, a WORLD) full of women who are so very proud of you. Well done for taking the steps you have and don’t look back. We’ll be a net of mums for you whenever you need one!

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

OP posts:
RisingSunn · 22/08/2025 11:57

OP I must say with your kind of resilience and level-headedness - I have no doubt that you'll make a beautiful life for yourself - away from the horrid toxicity and abuse.

Just take one step at a time.

MyLimeGuide · 22/08/2025 11:58

She's toxic and she's trying to break you, don't let her 😍

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/08/2025 12:06

Don't give her any more money. You can’t afford it. She’s taking the piss and you don’t owe her anything.

Her job as a parent was to support and raise you to adulthood. She failed in that. Shame on your mum for demanding half your wages.

Have you got a leaving care worker OP who will support you to stand up
to your mum?

Ellie56 · 22/08/2025 12:10

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

Nope nope nope.

She is the user, not you.

She is a shit excuse for a mother and a completely toxic waste of space. I can assure you there is a special place in hell for her.

You do not need her in your life. You are worth any number of her. And you DO NOT owe her any money or anything else.

Keep hold of your money. Block your awful "mother" on everything, hold your head up high and use your money for counselling and therapy.

rainingsnoring · 22/08/2025 12:17

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

I'm really sorry but people like this never accept that they are wrong. Unfortunately, you need to realise that it is your own mother that is defective and will not change. It is not you that is the problem here. Please move away from their awful influence. Hard as it must be, you will be better for it in the long run.

AliceMcK · 22/08/2025 12:48

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

OP you’re doing the right thing. Nothing will get better over night it is a very long and painful process but you will come out of it so much stronger.

Things to remember/think about

What they say to you says more about them than you!

Its not normal for parents to talk to their children that way

Learn how to “ Grey Rock” asap. You can look it up and learn about it before therapy.

Dont try to defend yourself, ever! There are always going to be people who feel the need to intervene, make comments, make you feel like you’re the problem. Learn to either cut them out of your life or shut them down. My response is usually “ my relationship with my parents is one thing, yours is another, I don’t expect you to understand and I don’t want to talk about it”.

Find groups that can support you. The Stately Homes thread here is amazing. It’s about surviving toxic, abusive, narcissistic parents

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

There is so much more knowledge and support for victims of narcissistic parents now.

Stay strong x

July 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet

I have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full. This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive famil...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Pessismistic · 22/08/2025 12:52

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

Hi op your mum is lashing out because you stood up to her she is hating not having control of you. Please please go to your therapy sessions you will be surprised what you will learn just start of with what you feel comfortable with and as time goes on things will unravel also if you cry this is good don’t hide your emotions. I’m also very sorry to hear your parents are absolute bastards and your better off without them you can’t see it now your so young and you really shouldn’t be going through this but there so selfish there basically blackmailing you to pay them to stay in your life. Any mother who treats their own flesh and blood this way is not worthy of the name mum. Honestly I feel for you but they are not good parents they’re evil. You now can hopefully afford to live without owing them money and the fact they were willing to leave you broke every month tells me you were never getting any inheritance. Because any decent parents would help you now not when they are dead.

BeLemonNow · 22/08/2025 15:24

I'm really sorry OP. Your mum has revealed her true colours. It is horrible and hateful. No one's relationship who is dependent on sending them money every month is worth it.

Good luck with your GP appointment. There's lots of affordable options for counselling out there if that's something you want to explore now or in the future.

In the meantime, please be aware you aren't alone.

Tandia · 22/08/2025 15:35

Bless you - it is not you, it is them. They have been terrible parents and sound like pretty terrible human beings. You have done so well to turn out as well rounded and sensible as you sound. Please, never give them another penny. Take all the counselling / therapy and support you are offered and you will slowly heal and see the truth. If you are no longer paying your mum £100-£200 a month, can you afford to put that away in savings? Then you will know that you have a buffer if a 'rainy day' comes along and you need some extra cash, and will never be tempted to go to them to ask for help again?

Billybagpuss · 22/08/2025 15:51

I’m so sorry what you have gone through the last couple of days. It’s going to take you a long time to process everything and well done on booking the gp appointment and the referral. It’s the first step of a long road.

Hopefully this thread has started to give you some clarity and perspective about what was happening.

As pp have said it isn’t about the money, if it had been you would have known exactly how much you owe and an end date. To me it honestly seemed like you were being used to supplement her monthly income, which you absolutely can not afford to do.

start to jot down a few things as you remember them almost in preparation for the referral. You are going to be so overwhelmed, your mum has said you have erased all the good things, but she has made no effort to acknowledge the bad and it sounds like there’s been a lot of bad.

good luck.

As things start to settle in your head try to find some self care for you.

J3001 · 22/08/2025 16:03

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 07:11

I made a gp appointment a couple of weeks ago about other things, but they had sent me a link to health in mind self referral therapy. They’ve accepted my application, I just need to make a phone appointment. I have no idea where to start and it seems super scary to actually talk about anything to do with them to anyone in depth!

Op im in therapy for things and believe me its so much easier talking to a stranger i've just unloaded to mine this morning they don't judge and give good advice and take a sifferent perspective that makes more sense than what i was seeing

Worralorra · 22/08/2025 16:05

To be honest, I think that this comes under the heading of Financial Abuse.
Just tell her that by having you, she was responsible for you until you were 18, so you’re not paying a penny of that part of the debt back. And then say you’ll pay her in reasonable instalments when she provides you with a breakdown of everything she has loaned you since you turned 18.
I bet she hasn’t kept notes, and from your description I guess she won’t like that! So then as PP have said, tell all your relatives and her friends about her financial abuse, and go LC or NC.
I’ve loaned my DC over £20,000 between them over the last ten years. I fully expect that they won’t be able to pay me back, and that’s fine - they remember I helped them out when they were in dire straits and are grateful for it…

Dabberlocks · 22/08/2025 16:35

Lifeisinshambles · 22/08/2025 11:54

Thank you everyone.

Now that I’ve got a quiet moment at work and I am reflecting on our conversation yesterday, I’m becoming quite numb to the sadness of losing them, as I remember what they said to me yesterday.
She said I am a user, an actress, I erased any good times we ever had, it’s been a waste of her time, I’m making trauma’s up, I ‘conned the social workers by turning on the water works’, and even beginning to say that my boyfriend should be paying her too.
Feel very angry that she has said so many insults to me, and refuses to accept that she could be wrong.

She is a despicable abuser, who has been abusing and tormenting you for your entire life. She will never change and she will never admit what she has done. People like her never do. She is an utter disgrace and how anyone could do this to their own child is beyond me.

You are her victim. None of what happened is your fault. Please do seek some counselling, so you can talk it through with someone who can help you.

Boomer55 · 22/08/2025 16:46

If you owe anyone money, you need to pay it back. 🤷‍♀️