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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum demanding payments each month

488 replies

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:24

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

OP posts:
GameWheelsAlarm · 22/08/2025 16:49

Boomer55 · 22/08/2025 16:46

If you owe anyone money, you need to pay it back. 🤷‍♀️

Have you read the thread? The mum is making shit up about fictional debts, and trying to charge OP for the normal expenses of being a parent. There are no genuine debts remaining. The only reasonable debts (ie agreed as loans) have all been repaid.

Silvers11 · 22/08/2025 20:18

Boomer55 · 22/08/2025 16:46

If you owe anyone money, you need to pay it back. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe read all the OPs posts before commenting?

LuckyShark · 22/08/2025 20:36

Im sorry you are feeling this way today.
Im really glad you are already about to access some therapy.

Unfortunately there just are some people out there who shouldn't be parents like your mum, and by what you've said she holds the reins over your Dad.

But always remember.... you escaped, you've broken her pattern.

By getting away through SS you've ruined her self-image of the perfectparent

She's made you borrow money and keep you in a huge amount of debt because she could see you were doing too well without her, so she used something in her arsenal to keep you down.

She may well flag you off to friends or family.....but you don't need to worry, her mask is already cracked.
And you are there, with your BF, with a job, a home, a Boss who thinks well of you.
You are thriving. Friends and family will see that, the more your Mother complains the more they will recognise YOU.

(My DH went through a very similar thing inc the money. 20 years out of his life and he's so so happy, a few bumps on the road.....he says therapy and always love yourself, youre worth much more than you've been told)

croydon15 · 22/08/2025 21:54

Boomer55 · 22/08/2025 16:46

If you owe anyone money, you need to pay it back. 🤷‍♀️

Have you read OP posts ?

Billybagpuss · 23/08/2025 06:00

I’m hoping that the horrible conversation you had the other day means you no longer intend to send her any more money.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the we are cutting you off silent treatment only lasts until next months money would be due. Then she’ll be back in touch trying to draw you back in again.

hopefully you will have been able to have someone in real life to talk to by then.

the only way to break this cycle is to stay strong and not pay her any more.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 23/08/2025 06:06

She sounds psychotic OP. I know it hurts but you’re better off without her. Never pay her another penny. She’s been extorting you.

Focus on your own life. Imagine what you could’ve done with all the money she’s conned you out of. And social workers certainly don’t remove children just for crying so you clearly met a high threshold of abuse/neglect for them to assist you in getting away.

AbzMoz · 23/08/2025 06:42

Your mother’s response speaks volumes - people stand up to her they need to financially pay her. People stand up to her they’re cut out of a will. She uses money as a weapon and has been abusing you for too long.

I’m so pleased you’re getting therapy as no part of your experience is normal, acceptable or in any way your fault. Wishing you only good things from here.

ThereMustBeReason · 23/08/2025 07:13

Live your life OP. Work hard and enjoy your successes. I feel certain you have repaid anything owed. Though I doubt you truly owed much in this circumstance. Time to move on and look forwards. Shed the past.

incognitomouse · 23/08/2025 07:16

She sounds toxic. Move on and enjoy your life OP, she's already put you through enough. Sadly, just because people are family it doesn't make them good people. Don't waste the rest of your life trying to please her.

chaosmaker · 24/08/2025 01:05

@Lifeisinshambles don't feel like you have to rush through counselling. It will take time for you to be ready to get to the crux of the matter as it is your entire parent/child relationship so not easy to tackle.
My partner is still working out stuff to do with childhood and he's in his 50's. Sending you love

MarxistMags · 24/08/2025 01:27

Your boyfriend owes her money ? How does she work that one out ? Did he have a cup of tea at her house ?
You owe her nothing, and definitely not respect.

XWKD · 24/08/2025 01:43

You have shown incredible courage and strength. You owe her nothing.

Bilbo63 · 24/08/2025 03:00

Your mother is a loan shark. We had an info session from trading standards regarding loan sharks. It can be the little old lady down the road - if it is without a written agreement - it is illegal and your mother can be prosecuted.

sounds like you are best out of itv- it’s about vindictive control for her. I wish you much strength. Please explore the counselling that your GP has referred you to. Build your resilience and understanding of yourself and your relationship with your mother before considering whether the relationship is salvageable.

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