Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

Have you been keeping a record for yourself of what you have paid back? I’d total that and tell her she’s getting no more. Look at all these replies telling you the same thing. It's the only was to get back on your feet, to distance yourself from her.

@Lifeisinshambles

the only acceptable amount to pay is Zero, with. Immediate effect. She is abusing you financially. Please get in touch with Women's aid, adult social services and get support to report her to Police. Cut off all contact.

you owe her nothing.
You owe yourself a life free from her abuse.

It really is so sad.

Id cut her off myself she sounds awful.

I wanted to say OP that if you’re reading this and feeling overwhelmed and feel unable to actually go ahead with what you think will be her cutting her off, please at least know that it’s not all or nothing.

You don’t need to feel ashamed and not come back to the thread if that does happen. I stand by the fact you absolutely shouldn’t be paying her anything but if you’re going to then yes of course £100 is better than £400.

Therapy is better than not.

Some boundaries are better than none.

You don’t have to choose between following all of our advice and continuing as you are.

If there’s only one step you can take, perhaps it’s reading about financial abuse and what that looks like. And maybe as a next step you can see your GP for counselling.

If you don’t feel able to say no I’m not paying you but you do feel able to reduce the amount going into the bank then that’s a start.

Please remember that from the outside we can see the abuse and it’s hard because none of us can say “yes giving her £100 a month sounds fair” because it’s frankly outrageous. However once this thread goes quiet you’re the one living your life every day and you’re the one on this journey. You’ve not failed if you try but can’t do it yet.

I hope you can take the spirit of these replies and see all the people who feel so sad for what you’ve been going through and see how amazing you are.

I hope you can take that and apply it to taking whatever steps you can towards being free. And even if it’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back please just keep going one foot in front of the other. This isn’t easy.

I’ve been on here for a number of years and I have never come across this form of financial abuse until now. I am so sad for you that your own mother is doing this to you.

Please stop paying her, and please realise in her eyes it will never be enough or stop until the day she dies.

I hope one day soon you accept that not all people have the parent(s) they deserve. It’s a horrible realisation to come to terms with.

For your own sanity and normality I think you should try to break away from her, and don’t ever let her make you feel guilty.

Good luck, you come across as a lovely young lady 💐

Let’s flip this around a bit.

your mum wants £400 a month. She has given you no end date.

for £400 a month from Tesco loans over, for sake of argument 4 years. I could borrow £17000 in 48 months that payment will stop.I will have repaid the amount in full. The total amount repayable is £19210.

do you think that’s how much she’s has given you?

loan sharks charge unsustainable amounts of interest and the initial sums keep increasing.

banks have a specific repayment schedule and end date.

you are being financially abused, you need to stop paying her anything.

OP I am so sad reading your post.
You do not owe this woman anything.
There is something very wrong going on here.
Could you maybe seek some support through the citizens advice bureau?

If you've been paying for years then from what you've said I suspect you've more than repaid what is owed. Stop paying.

Your mum isn't going to cut you off. Unfortunately you're her punch bag and this is simply another way to abuse you.

If you really feel compelled to keep paying her (you really should stop), then ask for a breakdown - for someone that has seemingly kept track of these "thousands" she maintains is owed, then she really ought to be able to procure this. Then sit and tot up what you've paid.

As others have said. Normal and decent parents wouldn't begrudge helping their kids with every day essentials. I know I wouldn't!

This is abusive financial control. You really do need to get away from this woman. You sound like a lovely person who is being taken advantage of by the woman who should love you most. Please don’t give her another penny. Get on with your life without her. If she bad mouths you, let her. What others think about you is none of your business. This situation is keeping you trapped in a bad past. You’re so young and are doing really well; that’s probably why she’s asking for more - so she can sabotage you and hold you back. Is there an older adult you could talk to?

Cut her off now. If you haven’t signed anything. fuck her. Stop allowing her to manipulate and bully you.

It’s absolutely clear that you owe your parents nothing financially. Where was your father when your mother was abusing you?
Your problem goes beyond money; it’s about the state of your emotions. You really do need some help with giving you the resolve to free yourself from the guilt that you are carrying.

Yes but I'm sure op remembers at least one of the loans, repayments made. If it's entirely fabricated, op has the proof they need that their mum is full of shit.

I am on a debt management plan with stepchange and they don't consider debts to relatives as real debt.

Legally you can be in debt to relatives where there is proof of borrowing ie. A paper trail of "can I borrow" "I will lend you x and I want repayment back of Y per month" but they would have to go through small claims court if you can't make these repayments or they feel you have cut them short. It would be up to the courts to decide if the money was a loan or a gift in these circumstances.

However, like in the case of my relative who was in the borrowing position from another relative who was meticulous about keeping notes in their petty little notebook, even for things like "Alex had no milk, asked to borrow some, took 4 pints through £1.20 + £3 fuel for delivering" , the case can be thrown out if there was no indication that this was borrowed and agreed to by both parties or lent money with a set repayment because money giving is often seen as being a gift in the UK.

This is why it is important that OP can count up what she owes where it was specifically indicated that the money is borrowed and there is a paper trail of this, because she may have overpaid in which case she can stop, or there may still be money owed if she isn't aware of how much she has actually borrowed.

I have a relative who often borrows money off me, although I never give money I'm not scared of never seeing again because money is tight for everyone. That relative would also say they only borrow £10 here and there but it can add up to hundreds per month. He doesn't keep track, but unlike OPs mother, I don't really care as long as everyone's basic needs can be met.

The OPs mother changing the terms of the borrowing ie. From £150 to £400 would be seen as a change in terms, and so it's important the OP understands how much she actually owes and has this information for her own sake and her own empowerment, because as we all agree, she's probably paid it back already and then some too.

Do not pay this pathetic excuse of a mum one more penny.
Children don’t owe their parents anything. You never asked to be born.
OTOH parents do owe their children love, stability and care.
My dd is 36. I still gift her a nice bottle of wine, buy nappies for my gs, slip her money to treat herself. That’s what parents/mums do.
Go NC for your own sanity.

A couple of questions! How long have you been borrowing bits of money? Would it be 2 or 3 years? Have you asked her in person or via text and do you have a record of the texts? How long have you been making payments?

Given the fact she’s been abusive, this honestly just sounds like another form of control. If you want to feel like you’ve ’paid your debt’ then do an honest appraisal of how much you think you owe her. Did you ask for help once a month, twice a month over 2 or 3 years and what was the average amount she gave you? Add it all up and be absolutely firm with her (put it in writing) and say, ‘I believe I have borrowed X amount and have committed to paying this back. So far I’ve paid X and my last payment to you will be on XYZ’.

If you need to, show the letter to family to demonstrate what you’ve done. If you don’t put an end to this, it could reasonably go on for many years and she will continue to exercise control over you. The best thing you can do is take control back.

I know it’s hard but I think you can do it! Is there anyone in your family you can talk to confidentially who can help you stand up to her?

You moved out 3 years ago. So if you borrowed £50 a month for a year, you'd owe £600. (50 x 12) from each year. If it was £100 a month, then £1,200. Suppose you did that for two years, so £2,400. If you've been repaying it at £200 a month for the last year, then that's £2,400 paid off (I'm assuming she's not charging her own child interest!). Just work through some figures and figure out if you actually could "owe" anything (spoiler: you won't).

Financially you owe zero.
Legally, you owe zero.
Morally, you definitely owe zero! You borrowed some money from her when you were 17 and left home!! Most parents would call it a gift if they could, and definitely wouldn't keep score.

Tell her the amount you think you borrowed, and what you've already paid off (work it out from bank statements). Then tell her you're not paying her any more.

She bad mouths you? Fine, just tell people the figures and let them decide!

I know you are afraid of rocking the boat or losing contact with your mother if you stop paying, but I think she will actually respect you more and the relationship will improve if you draw strong boundaries and show her you will no longer be exploited by her. Stop paying, send her one of the messages the other posters have suggested - no emotion, just factual and legal - and stop contact for a while. It will ber so much better all round. Good luck - you have been amazingly strong and brave through all your difficult experiences x

I am so sorry that you have had such awful parents. You sound an amazing person and should be so proud of what you have achieved. I am sitting here on holiday with my 17 year old DD and cannot begin to understand how terribly awful your mum is. You owe her nothing and from what people have worked out , have totally paid her back more than she ever gave you- not that this should have ever happened in the first place.
Be really proud of what you have managed to achieve and move on. Don’t give her a penny more and if you can, please think about some kind of therapy to help you process all of this.

So sorry for the late response. Thank you everyone for your replies and advice.

Next time she asks, I will first ask for a broken down list of everything I supposedly owe, and I’ll be counting up everything I have handed over to her (everything that’s traceable!)

Op you don't need to apologise to us. We're all disgusted she has put you in this position and is treating you like this.

Be warned that when you ask her for a breakdown she will likely make up many payments so if you still want to pay her (again, you don't owe her anything. She has let you down badly over the years) don't just accept what she says. Push back.

Just another one saying don’t give her anything. Just say no. Send her a message “I’ve gone through my finances and I believe I’ve paid you back what I borrowed and so I won’t be sending you any more money. “ if she says you still owe her, say you need break downs of full amounts borrowed and dates and you’ll compare that to what you’ve already paid her.

Oh and @mummytrexis right - your mum will probably make up amounts. Get your bank account up and look when she made payments into your account.

Can you ask her for a copy of her records? ie what she gave you and on which date and what you have repaid etc. if she doesn’t have this, then she’s making the numbers up.

You are being financially abused, dont give her any more money, shes playing on the fact you dont know how much you owe, making you doubt yourself which is making you feel anxious, this is going to go on forever if you dont stop it now. I wouldnt put anything in writing, cut her off, sadly shes toxic and very greedy. Go dark on everything. You're being pulled down by the heavy weight she is burdening you with,