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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum demanding payments each month

488 replies

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:24

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

OP posts:
bumbaloo · 15/08/2025 15:40

She’s the absolute worst mother. Just cut her off. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She is the one who should be bending over backwards begging for your forgiveness

Inshockandsome · 15/08/2025 15:40

Your mother is using money to secure access and control. I am so sorry she is going this to you.
Are you getting support? Counselling? Young persons support - most councils have a dedicated team to assist you with housing etc

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:41

Maybe it’s bad to say, I know it’s not my money or my business, and I know she doesn’t owe any of it to me. But I don’t think I would feel so awful about it if she hadn’t got as much money as she does. It makes it hard for me to just get over, knowing that she knows what situation I am in financially, and still demanding hundreds each month whilst I vent to her about how life makes me feel sometimes!! It is hard out here and you’d think I’d know what I’m doing by now since I’m not freshly moved out but I still feel a bit like I could do with some understanding and guidance, I know I am an adult but I truly don’t feel like it!

OP posts:
Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:42

I don’t know if I can cut her off. She knows where I live, I don’t think she’d go quietly. I just can imagine what they would be thinking and saying if I did so. I just can’t picture it.

OP posts:
InMyHealthyEra · 15/08/2025 15:45

Let her cut contact, in fact you should do it yourself.

Just tell her no.

ThatGladTiger · 15/08/2025 15:45

You need to explain to her you have paid her back and won’t be giving her any more money!

Do you have any idea of the total you borrowed? Were you planning on giving her a monthly amount forever? This isn’t making sense!

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 15:47

Tell her she can whistle for it.

You don’t owe her another penny. Absolutely outrageous behaviour on her part. And this woman calls herself a mother…

HaddlerScoop · 15/08/2025 15:47

What does she bring to your life that is positive? Have a think about that and the answer is probably nothing. What negatives does she bring? How does it make you feel?

You have been conditioned by her to be in contact. This is called FOG which is Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Have a little google to see if any of that rings true.

As a parent this is no way to treat a child. She is not a nice Mum, you deserved better and sadly you got her. Just because someone is a Mum doesn't make them a good person.

socks1107 · 15/08/2025 15:48

I would suggest stop paying her and now.
Shes Financially controlling you. You didn’t sign anything and I’ll bet you’ve more than paid it back.

The worst she will do is cut you off. Let her. People like that are going to talk bad of you anyway so live life honestly and to your full potential.
can you contact ss for support

JLou08 · 15/08/2025 15:48

Let her cut you off. You may find you are happier without her in your life.
Stop paying her. See if you are entitled to UC or council tax reduction. Citizen's advice or welfare rights may be able to see what youre entitled to and help you learn to budget better. Maybe look into education or training, you're still very young, you can work towards a well earning career. Use food banks whilst you get yourself back on your feet. Don't ask her for anything again, live an independent life where you're not dragged down by her conditions and from the sounds of it financial exploitation.

AlphabetBird · 15/08/2025 15:49

Ok, so from your updates it seems very clear that you just need to draw a line under it.

Inshockandsome · 15/08/2025 15:49

‘Mum, I love you and I want to thank you for the money you have given me. I am not in a position to pay it back, not now or in the foreseeable future. If you want to cut me off, that is matter for you. Wishing you the best with your life’

jeaux90 · 15/08/2025 15:49

A couple of choices. You can say to her “can I see the record of the debt you are claiming back, I want to know when this is done as I need to start saving” The answer to this might tell you a lot.

Or you can bluff, “right I’ve paid back everything I owe which is great as I need to start saving for x y z”

Or you can tell her to fuck right off and leave you alone which is probably more than she deserves!

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:50

ThatGladTiger · 15/08/2025 15:45

You need to explain to her you have paid her back and won’t be giving her any more money!

Do you have any idea of the total you borrowed? Were you planning on giving her a monthly amount forever? This isn’t making sense!

No, I don’t know how much I have actually supposedly borrowed, I don’t see how it could be much at all based on what I know I have been borrowing at a time. She has said before that it’s thousands, but that is simply not true or possible. I know that for an absolute fact, hand on heart.

OP posts:
Inshockandsome · 15/08/2025 15:51

Honestly op the issue isn’t the money. She wants you to be beholden to her. Please live your life far away from her, she is toxic and dangerous

ChristmasMiracleBaby · 15/08/2025 15:51

She sounds abusive lovely, you need to get away from her.
I can't imagine helping my dc out with pennies then demanding 100s back in monthly payments for what? Nuts.
You will be better off without her, this is not a healthy relationship and I imagine she has emotionally manipulated you over the years to think this is normal behaviour. It's not.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/08/2025 15:52

This woman is loansharking you, her own daughter! CUT HER OFF. You owe her no more.

Bradley28 · 15/08/2025 15:52

This is so sad. It will seem like an unimaginable thing to have to do, but cutting all contact with your mum will do you so much good. No loving parent would do this to their child- I’d be giving mine £400 a month, not taking it. Please bite the bullet, block contact, and stop paying her any money. You will feel weird and guilty at first, but you will start feeling better and stronger. Are there any groups you can join? Any counselling services you can access? See if you can meet some people who will support you x

AlphabetBird · 15/08/2025 15:52

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:42

I don’t know if I can cut her off. She knows where I live, I don’t think she’d go quietly. I just can imagine what they would be thinking and saying if I did so. I just can’t picture it.

Oh love, the thing here is that you are just imagining it. That’s got a powerful hold, but it isn’t real.

Tot up what you’ve paid over three years, and if anyone challenges you tell them that you’ve paid X, that more than covers it, and you can’t be expected to live in poverty because you needed a bit of support when you were a child.

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 15:53

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:50

No, I don’t know how much I have actually supposedly borrowed, I don’t see how it could be much at all based on what I know I have been borrowing at a time. She has said before that it’s thousands, but that is simply not true or possible. I know that for an absolute fact, hand on heart.

What’s the worst she can do? Sue you? For what - she doesn’t even know herself how much you supposedly owe her. Vague ideas of a couple of thousand aren’t going to cut it. Tell her to jog on. You don’t have to do this anymore.

YelloDaisy · 15/08/2025 15:53

You need some counselling so that you can get your head round this situation - you could see your GP -they might be sympathetic and put you down for some counselling to help with your feelings. It’s a sort of abuse she’s inflicting on you -but I’m not sure where you can get advice that you don’t have to pay for.

Noshadelamp · 15/08/2025 15:53

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:37

I would feel awful and would never stop blaming myself

But how is it your fault when she's the one threatening to cut off contact from her own child?

She sounds abusive and uncaring, which isn't your fault.

It's hard to recognise when you've been conditioned that way all your life and blamed for everything, but it absolutely isn't your fault.

I'm sorry your mother is so awful. I had an abusive mother and thought I must have deserved it, until I had children of my own and realised it's never the child's fault.

ThejoyofNC · 15/08/2025 15:53

You are being abused. No not give this woman another penny. Any threats from her then call the police. She's breaking the law.

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:54

Sometimes I imagine what my life would be like without this cloud over my head. Every month I dread thinking about it.
But I dread thinking about how it could all go wrong too.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 15/08/2025 15:55

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:37

I would feel awful and would never stop blaming myself

Your mum should blame herself. She was and still is a horrible, uncaring mother. She will never change and never be the mother you want so you need to stop trying to please her.

Legally, she should have been financially responsible for you until you were at least 18, but she wasn't. You owe her absolutely nothing.