Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

The way you’re feeling is actually very common for children who’ve been removed from the family home in that there’s a sense of guilt for ‘breaking up the family’ and you’re trying to make up for it when really you should be saying that you’ve already re-paid plenty so it’ll be stopping as of September.

I know therapy is very expensive and if you’re already shelling out 50% of your wage probably not something you can afford, but it might be worth looking into whether your gp can get you some on the nhs or otherwise really sitting and examining why your so willing to put yourself in a shitty financial situation just to appease someone who has been a bit of a crap parent.

Please don’t pay her another penny. It is up to her if she still wants contact. I personally think you would be better off if she were not in your life but I understand you are worried about feeling guilty.
In your shoes I would be trying to think of a long term plan to get a job/life further away. You may even then be able to have limited contact on your own terms.

Wow you’re such a lovely person and she’s clearly taking advantage of your good nature and still emotionally abusing you. My heart breaks for you and tell her you need evidence of what you owe and what you have paid so far or have you gotten a written contract with her? If not then she can’t really do much and if she did it wouldn’t get far in a small claims court xx

You shouldn't have to fend for yourself at 17, tell your DM that you don't owe her anything in fact you have overpaid.
Any decent mother would be helping you out not trying to get half of your wages.
You be better off without her in your life.
Good luck

Where you in Education or training when you left home and was your mother collecting Child benefit for you? You may find she owes you money.

What have you borrowed in total??
How much have you paid back?

then NEVER borrow from her again!!!!!! She is abusive,

the more you earn the more she will ask. Just because you can.

Write down everything you have ‘repaid’ her ever.

she is now wanting £4,800 a year off you!!!

end this cycle of her saying you owe her money. Cut the cycle totally.

CAP do a fantastic service, see where your nearest one is ( Christians Against Poverty - and no you don’t need to be religious). See if they can help you sort this out and perhaps advocate for you.

@Lifeisinshambles I know we say people are adults at 16yo but biologically speaking we are not matured until we're 25yo, so you are young to be independent (well done) and looking after yourself.

Be proud of yourself, I feel proud of you and I dont know you!

I think you might need some counselling - ask your GP to refer you or call Mind and see if the can help you. The counselling is to help you start to understand why you feel the way you do about your parents and help you start to grow resilience.

You owe your mum nothing. You owe your dad nothing. You were abused as a child. They owe you.

Your mum has shown time and again she cares zilch for you. She is a loan shark and you are again her victim.

Please open your mind to see her how she is. As hard as it will be for you, you will survive and be stronger. Believe in yourself. You've come so far.

Forget your mum and her money. She'll burn through that and even if she doesn't she'll never give you any of it.

Put all of this down to experience and move on without her.

Please do not pay her anything. If you have to pay your mum for a relationship, she is no mother to you.

We all need people you can talk to - find someone else you can confide in and vent to. If you don't know anyone and if social services cant provide you with support, people on here dm each other, see if you can find some to talk to here.

Good luck xxx

Contact Womens Aid. It’s not just for abuse from partners. They will be able to advise and teach you about the signs of abuse manipulation, boundaries and how to put them into place. This will serve you well for the future for any other relationships.

Try and work out how much you have already paid and don’t pay any more until she can prove what you owe.
You can take control with some help. 💛

Exactly this. Refuse to pay any more. Let her take you to court (she won’t because she doesn’t have a leg to stand on).

If she gave you small amounts of money and they are not recorded as loans you have no legal responsibility to pay her back. Many people who lent large sums of money in good faith have fallen foul of this. You were a teenager and these small sums are irrelevant. She was responsible for you, it's called being a parent.
She is being controlling and coercive. I know it's hard and I would rarely advocate this, but you do not need to pay her back, and if that means cutting off contact that's what it takes. You sound as if you would be better off without her. She is not acting as a loving parent to you.

This is financial abuse. If a friend said their bf was making them pay this would you think it was ok?

she's manipulated you and the family. If they blindly go along with her just shows their true colours. It’s so hard to go no contact especially with our mums who are meant to provide never ending love but sometimes we have to for self preservation

Please, please, please stop paying her!!! She’s using you to fund her lifestyle whilst you struggle. What kind of mother does that?! She will fleece you for as long as you let her. Please, just stop! If she goes no contact with you after that, then it shows what kind of person she is, and by the sounds of it you are much better off without her. Stop letting her financially abuse you. Don’t feed her need for control. You deserve so much more!!!!

So sorry OP. She should have been supporting you financially anyway to 18.

Can you verify the total amount ‘lent’ and time line?

Would there be any record of this (old bank statements showing her payments in, you could request these from your bank if you can’t access them online yourself) or was it only cash payments?

I think it would be very difficult for you to pay anything back at a rate of more than £80 a month, £400 is ridiculous.

If she won’t write off anything ‘borrowed’ before 18 and agree a sensible plan for anything after that, I would let her cut contact if she wants to.

You have done well to maintain some relationship with her until now given all that’s happened. Well done OP you seem to be finding your way despite the challenges, hopefully you will navigate a way out of this that will give you some peace of mind either way.

Oh gosh how horrible for you!
Ask for a full break down of what you owe and figure out a payment plan. If she can’t give you that then let her bad mouth you.
she should have taken care of you and failed so it’s her that should feel guilty not you. I can’t imagine treating my child this way. It’s just a form of control.
I couldn’t imagine letting my DD fend for herself at 17 then begrudging her the basics irrespective of how much I had or didn’t have.
If you need to go NC then do it. It’s on her not you.
Sending you hugs

It sounds like you’ve definitely paid back what you borrowed, although what type of Mum keeps tabs on loans of 2 and 3 pounds to their daughter??? … this should tell you a lot. You sound like a very mature and responsible person. She neither appreciates nor deserves you.Please don’t feel upset or responsible for going no contact, it’s not your fault she is creating this situation. What she’s doing us coercively controlling you, whether or not you get a bank loan from a legitimate source and pay her back in one lump sum or not (if this is what you feel the need to do for your peace of mind), please remove her from your life or you will end up looking back in 30 years wondering why you’ve spent your life being upset trying to please someone who’s sole objective is to force you to live in chaos, always second guessing yourself and blaming yourself for not being loved by those who are supposed to do just that. Stay in contact and subject yourself to this at your peril. Good luck darling, you sound truly lovely. Xx

@Lifeisinshambles please don't worry. She sounds absolutely horrible. Well done for being so young and standing on your own.
Let her cut you off, don't give her half hour pay.
Gosh some mothers are really a piece of work. Im glad we talk about it more and more. The more we talk about it, the less "normal" people will think it is.
Getting ready to cut off my own mother.
Stay strong x

Stop paying your mother anything. Tell her she owes you £10 for every day of your life that she was a shit mum and she can set off your debt against that sum.

No matter what you think or say, your mother is enjoying riding on your back taking your money. She will put up objections if you reduce the money. Before you say anything you need to make sure you feel really clear and strong about what you want. She is taking liberties with you, you owe her nothing more. Honestly. Its heartbreaking to read how you have told her you are struggling and she is still demanding money from your fictitious debts. She should be apologising to upu and giving you money to make up for her rubbish parenting. This is all on her, she sounds awful. Stay strong, believe in yourself, you are definitely all paid up with her now. Time to get her off your back and start living your life

Yes do ask for detailed written proof.

im wondering if she is adding lost child support or something to your debt from when you were removed? Either or, it’s not your responsibility if so…

the only flip side I can think of is someone I know who borrowed from her Mum for a car. It wasn’t her first, but she kept on getting more ‘after pays’ for clothing etc and the mum just got sick of her not dedicating money to pay her debt back quicker… could this be what your mum is on about?

Everyone wave at the mum.

Although this feels as if it’s about money, the effects of it are what’s causing you problems. The abuse that caused you to be put out of the family home must surely be having an emotional effect on you, so have you thought about asking your GP for referral to a counsellor.
Counselling can help you to work through the situation and develop healthy ways of moving forward without the guilt your mother is trying to cause you.

You won’t recover from this overnight but you sound like a well balanced young woman who is otherwise doing well in very difficult circumstances ( i.e you’re holding down a job and getting on with your life).

Please know that the people on this forum are behind you and I wish you well for your future.

Oh naff off

I'm so sorry you have a parent who behaves in this way.
Ask her for a breakdown of everything she feels you owe her on paper and keep it to show your family explain to them you are going through hell with her and your not prepared to do this anymore.

This is for you , you can get on with your life with minimal or no contact from your mum .
She is controlling you and keeping you answerable to her ... guess what you're not you are free yes you are only 20 but you are and can do life without her manipulation and bad mouthing of you.

I'm sending you the biggest hug ever and willing you on to put a stop to your mum's behaviour.. do what your doing keep working hard keep bettering yourself for you .
Make a life for you us mums are here to help our kids and build them up not tear them down.

Big massive hugs x

Have you read the full post emmaovary what a horrible person you are.
She can tell her mum the debt is paid after being physically hurt by her .
Hope you don't have kids.

Well done

You can be strong on this - it will not be easy and probably a bit awkward; but so, so worth it to end this horrible hold she has over you - which likely does not even exist anymore