Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

She's a complete horror and a disgrace.
I think you should reach out to the police.
She is extracting money from you.
She was likely receiving child benefit.

She will never be a decent person.
Time to cut contact.
Well done for all you have achieved.
You poor pet.

Your mother is loan sharking her own daughter, she is despicable. Don't give her another penny, ask for the amount, apologise or justify! Just cut her out. Your life will be better, love. You're already doing so well.

Oh, and GOOD LUCK, @Lifeisinshambles. It looks like you've got the entirety of Mumsnet rooting for you! Many PPs have given excellent advice, which I hope you'll be following up.
You've got away. You're still very young. Take up the advice given by MNers. Cut contact with your abusive DM. Make yourself a new life.

I'm so sorry you've been through this. 17 is so young to have left home in what sounds like very hard circumstances. You need to put yourself first. Lay down the law with your mum and tell her you cannot repay more than £50 a month and it's that or nothing - even if it means cutting ties.(Personally, I would do the latter and be shot of her. She doesn't sound like a loving mother figure to me.) Good luck.

Was your mother still getting child support? If so, unless she gave ir straight to you, that's up up to £20 a week you don't need to repay.

If you borrow money you should pay it back, not sure if there's a good reason you only work minimal hours

To all the people suggesting you pay back the money need to get their head checked. You were a minor and just trying to survive. Your mother should hang her head in shame. Do not pay her a penny back. I’m sorry you were dealt a rough hand with family members but you’ll survive and be stronger for it. I went no contact with my mum when she booted me out at 17 although not as severe as your situation and I’m thriving. Good luck and keep your hard earned cash for yourself, she’s a leech!

Absolutely this. Don't give her another penny OP. ❤

Your mother is financially abusing you.
You need to be strong here and tell her that you have paid much more back than you ever borrowed and you won't be sending her any more money.

OP, I have an abusive mum too and I've put up with her rubbish for years, it breaks you but she's your mum and you love her and want her approval and pride. I'm a mum myself now and I will not let her treat my children that way. I have firm boundaries and I'm much better off for it. I know it's hard but please read all of the comments. Do not pay another penny, regardless of what you "borrowed" it's done. Put yourself first and move on with your life. Get some counselling, break this toxic cycle. If she cuts contact, you will be better off, believe me! Please, no more and get some help for your mental health.

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said but don't let her drag you back in like this. You've done amazingly and should be proud if yourself xx

💯 I can’t believe people seriously believe OP needs to repay money her parent paid to keep her alive aged 17.

OP this is insane. You cannot have racked up the sort of debt that needs paying off in hundreds every month by borrowing £2 and £3 here and there. Stop now. Add up what you have already paid. You will surely see that you aren’t in debt any more.

Tell her if she wants you to pay her another penny she needs to tell you exactly what the balance of any money you owe her, and how that is made up.

I think it fair to assume she won’t be able to do this. Or at least won’t be able to justify the amount she’s asking for.

if you do feel the total is reasonable, then you tell her how much you can afford to pay, not the other way around. So if you think you can afford only £10 per month, that’s what she gets.

P.S. Don’t give ten seconds thought about her bad-mouthing you, she’s probably doing it already, and you can just tell everyone she acted like a loan shark.

P.P.S. The fact she’s inherited money doesn’t come into it, you don’t have to not pay back somebody money you legitimately owe them because they don’t need it.

She isn’t a mother she’s a leach !!!
cut contact and get yourself some therapy in learning to value and love yourself 🙏

She's doing this to keep you on the hook and as a form of control.

What a bloody awful person.

Do your best to write down everything you might have borrowed; £20 each month for 1 year and £200 per month for 2 years is £2640. Next add up everything you repaid; £200 for* *12 months + £400 for 2 months is £3200. Write it all neatly in a list for her. Write on the list that you have paid back everything you owed plus £560 (or whatever the amount comes to). State you are now clear of all debts to her. Make copies before you send it to her. Then ideally don't involve this selfish woman in your life again, you may find it tricky at first but will be far better off without her in the long term, I'm so sorry your mum has let you down so badly. You've done brilliantly, you will do even better, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Do not be sorry. You haven't done anything to be sorry for - that's on your mum.

If you ask her, you open up a channel for her to manipulate you. If you just say no, you're not doing this any more because you've paid her back far more than you ever borrowed, then you retain your power. If she gets difficult, you just leave.

I sincerely hope that you manage to physically get away from this person - not soon but eventually. It's disgusting, how she's treated you.

This has made me so sad OP. I hope things get better with time. I’m so sorry your mum is like this.
she needs to give you a breakdown of everything in writing (with proof).
only give back what you can afford monthly (I think you said £100). If she doesn’t need it she is being difficult and it doesn’t sound like you put her in difficulty when you borrowed from her.

Stop paying her. Just stop.

You owe her nothing.

That woman, and your father, are monsters.

I don’t think you should even ask for a breakdown. That’s just entertaining more of her shenanigans. Better to just cut contact. She was a bad parent then and she’s no better now. People like that… they won’t change and you won’t make them see sense. Perhaps spent the money on some therapy instead, if and when that’s affordable. I can’t imagine how difficult things have been for you. Prioritise you and your happiness. And what would you say to a friend in your shoes? I really wish you well, OP.

It sounds like you have been manipulated by your mother in a way that has you believing you are the one in the wrong and you should feel guilty if you do anything against her therefore keeping you controlled into putting up with her disgusting behavior to you, but trust me you are NOT to blame for anything. Shes the only one who should be ashamed.

She sounds like my mother. I left home at 18,and my siblings left at 15 and 16. The day I cut contact with her was the day my own mental health started to improve. My mum was an addict and would get money any way she could including out of us as kids.

Do not give her any more money, then use that to access some low cost counselling to continue rebuilding yourself. You can break the cycle of abuse, don't wait until you have your own child to protect like I did, to do so.

£20 a month for 3 years is £720 if it was £20 a week fir 3 years then it would be £3,120 the maths don’t add.
i would go to your bank and ask for 3 years statements you can then see how how much you have laid back. It was was bacs to you from her you will see that too. Get a highlighted pen and highlight it all to make it easy on paper.
this is an awful situation. She probably still received child benefit for you too.
please try and go to your gp and ask for counselling you are a survivor of abuses and still a very young person. You have had a very hard start and I wish you well for the future.
I wonder whether there is a sensible grounded much older adult at work that could help you? If not then obviously these type of forums can help you.
good luck x

What sort of a mother is this? She is cruel and loveless. She wasn’t there for you when you were a child and now you are afraid to stop paying her the money she is extorting from you.

Being brought up by a mother like this will have affected the way you think. That’s why you can’t bring yourself to go against her. But anyone who had had a more loving upbringing would be fine doing it.

I know the word trauma is bandied around a lot but I think you have to some degree been traumatised by your upbringing. Read a book on attachment theory. Read The Body Keeps The Score about trauma. Start to understand how your childhood has affected you so you can move forwards from it and not be imprisoned by it for the rest of your life.