Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

Sounds like you need to just stop paying & cut off contact. The other alternative is to try to reason with her. If she is financially secure she should as a caring mother forget what you owe her. As parents we have always tried to help our children financially if possible and as foster carers we still help out a couple of young people who have left our care.

You don’t owe her anything and I wouldn’t be paying anything.

However, I know what it’s like having abusive parents and I know how hard it is to cut that tie. I am a few years older than you and it’s only recently I’ve managed to do that. I let my Mother torment me for years out of some weird moral loyalty I had to her. My life is so much better without her in it now.

So I would personally put a request in for bank statements as far back as when you moved out and add it all up. Then I would add up what you’ve sent her and remove it from the total. As other PP have said you’ve most likely paid back more than you borrowed. I would also be tempted not to count anything you asked her for at 17. There’s a reason you were removed from her by social services at that age. That’s because she should have still been looking after you by providing a roof over your head.

Why would you blame yourself? People have pointed out that you do not owe your mother anything. Up to the age of 18 she had an obligation to pay for everything you needed, and most decent parents would continue supporting their children well beyond that age. It's her fault she threw you out, not yours. You must have repaid well above what you actually owed.

If your mother ends up going no contact, it's her fault, not yours. I suspect that she wouldn't in practice, but I'm really not sure why you want her to be in your life above anything more than a minimal extent. She will forever be trying to guilt-trip you about this nonsense, and will never acknowledge that she's been a dreadful, greedy excuse for a parent.

Hi OP. I just want to check because I think I must have misread your first post - when was the last time you borrowed anything off your mum?
is this a situation where you are borrowing throughout the month and paying her back for that months borrowing when you get paid! So you are in a circle?

As being said previously you Don't owe her anything, parents are supposed to look after their children, she failed miserably she owes you not the other way round, cut contact and try to make a good life for yourself, you deserve it.

If she still believes that you owe her money, this means she would’ve kept a tally i.e. a running total. Ask her for written detail of this and see if you agree with it.

Other than that, maybe consider what she actually brings to your life in being in it

Your Mum has effectively got you in a protection racket and this is financial abuse.

I know you don't want to cut contact but there is no relationship here to save. She is abusive and toxic.

@Lifeisinshambles Save all the money you would have been giving to her (I'm with everyone else on this, don't give her a penny more, it's seems very clear you've already overpaid by hundreds), and maybe consider spending it on some therapy to help you process the parental abuse you suffered and learn to draw healthy boundaries with them.

There is no contract so no legal claims she has upon you.
She has failed as a mother and is using money and this "debt" is a means of control and abuse beyond her roof.

You owe her nothing, morally, financially or emotionally.

If you cut her out, it's self-protection, not a personal failing. Some family relationships are beyond salvaging.

Yes get a proper breakdown.
if you think it’s correct and you want to pay her back then work out a payment plan that you CAN afford. Don’t let her impose it on you.
If you do t want to pay anything more back / you don’t think it is accurate then don’t pay anymore. Tell her you dispute the amount and she’s already had all your repayments.
Tale advice from somewhere like Citizens Advice or if your employer has any employee assistance programmes.
You're doing well, don’t let her drag you down

I’m so relieved to see you say this!

We are programmed to love our parents, and to look up to them, consider them essential in our lives.

When parents behave really badly, we still see them the same way and need their approval.

Breaking out of that is hard, but really important. For you to grow up, be independent and happy, you need to recognise that these people have failed as your parents. You owe them nothing and they will never give you what you need, because they can’t.

You owe them nothing. You have achieved amazing things despite them, not because of them. You can let go of them and build your own life without them. Please do.

This. I just wouldn’t pay it back - you’re 20. Child benefit and maintenance is paid until child is 19 if they’re in education so you’re considered a financial dependent until then and I certainly expect to be contributing to my children’s finances until well after that. Just say you can’t give it back and stop.

My late mum was a narcissist who abused me emotionally and physically as a child as well. Please listen to me when I say it took several therapists and a very long time to realise what my mum was doing to me ( as emotional abuse and especially narcissism wasn’t recognised at that time) She even used my brother and my own daughter -who’s an adult now as enablers against me - and also used money as a means of control. which made my life a living hell, but your mum actually goes beyond anything my mum has ever done. You’re actually saying that she even keeps a note of the £2 here and there she’s lent you ?? When other people on here have rightly pointed out, that she would have been receiving Child benefit for you and was responsible for looking after you financially until you were 18 anyway. Her despicable actions would be bad enough, but what makes it even worse is that her bank balance is due for an even bigger windfall, and she should actually be trying to plan and to help you sort out your finances, but instead she’s hellbent in trying to ruining your life.Ti be honest she actually owes you, not the other way round. Please listen from someone who’s actually been there. You really need to go No contact and get this toxic person out of your life once and for all. She will start the smear campaign, thats a given with all narcissists, but believe me. No no amount of money is worth the peace you will find, once these poisonous snakes are out of your life. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner with my own mum. I now have PTSD and extreme anxiety, but it’s not too late for you to start healing from this awful abuse. You can do this, and are doing so well on your own. Sending you best wishes and a big hug.

This is financial abuse

Your mother sounds like a dodgy loan shark!

I sent her £100, and wrote a message explaining how I think this is the only way it’s going to work. Long story short, her and my dad have cut me off, told me I am a waste of time, that there’s no pill that can cure me and that I’m going to be cut out of the will

Thanks everyone. Not sure what to do from here tbh

Eventually you will see you are better off. I’d be surprised if the contents of the will were more than the amount they’ve been syphoning off you.

Please don’t believe this is about you- it isn’t. You are a reliable, sensible trustworthy person. You are worthy of being loved for your own sake.

The issue is your parents, not you.

Have a cry, and start parenting yourself as you should be parented- with kindness. Be nice to yourself.

I’m sorry but I don’t think this is a bad thing for you even though you might feel differently right now. They are not good people and will not have been in any way people that you should
have in your life. Things will be better when you surround yourself with friends and as you get older you will have your own family. I’m sorry your parents are such awful people. If there is any counselling you can access via work/uni/college/gp I would seriously look into that. There will be a lot of abuse you’ve suffered that needs unpicked and it will help you massively to move forward. Good luck.

I made a gp appointment a couple of weeks ago about other things, but they had sent me a link to health in mind self referral therapy. They’ve accepted my application, I just need to make a phone appointment. I have no idea where to start and it seems super scary to actually talk about anything to do with them to anyone in depth!

This must be so confusing for you but I doubt this will be last you’ll hear from your mum.
You acted independently and she hated that you weren’t under her control anymore and is punishing you for this.
She was stifling you and holding you back.
You probably feel a bit lost now but over time, you’ll realise that without her abuse, you’ll be in a more settled emotional state.
Ask your gp to be referred for counselling to help you to process all this.

As @CosmicEcho said.

You’ve been very brave and are standing up for yourself, so your mum is now trying to punish you.

Although a lot of us said you don’t owe her a penny, you’ve tried to compromise and offer her £100. This isn’t about money but her trying to control you, that’s why she has now threatened to cut you out of the will.

She would always use that argument but you could obey her forever and still find yourself cut out of her will - you’d never know the truth until she’s gone and that’s too late.

Accept any talking therapy or counselling your GP can offer. Don’t worry about what to say, just say the things you have told us. Any sane person will know how your mum has treated you dreadfully.

I’m so sorry you’re still going through this. The very best thing you could do for yourself is to go NC. I realise how difficult it will be but every day will get easier and you sound such a strong young woman.

Good luck, sweetheart.

I'm so sorry that you have such appalling parents. You tried to take back some control over this situation where your own mother blackmails you for money. They didn't like that so are trying to regain control. They are vile and abusive people. Please just ignore them and over time you will feel better for being no contact with them. They are a destructive force in your life and always have been. Speak to your counsellor when you get allocated one. If you have any trustworthy adults or friends in your life, surround yourself with them or other similar people. Have you tried Young Minds? https://www.youngminds.org.uk
Your GP may be able to suggest local charities who might help you too.

I know I don't know you OP but I feel so proud of you for standing up for yourself. I have a daughter your age and she is more precious to me than life itself and I will always do everything and anything I can to help her. That is normal parenting. I'm so so sorry that is not your experience but it is down to them not you. They are not worth the ground you walk on and I very much doubt there was ever going to be any inheritance. You deserved so much better and now is the time to find your strength and put yourself first. Counselling will definitely help you to love yourself just as you've always deserved to be loved. Sending huge hugs, you've got this ❤️

That’s amazing. Just do it. Follow the process, step by step. Make the appointment. Turn up to the appointment. Answer any questions they ask you. And then remember how everybody on here supports you and you’re not stupid or weird, you’ve just had a really tough time. Hopefully you will find it’s not as scary to talk about it as it feels at this point. Things rarely turn out exactly as you imagine them so don’t scare yourself with visualising what might not happen. Just follow the process and do your best at each stage.

I’m so sorry OP they really suck, but against the odds, you’re amazing and resilient.

They really don’t deserve you. Try not to take it to heart, it says everything about them.

It might be difficult to talk at first, just go at your own pace.

In the long run, not having them chipping away at your self esteem as well as the constant gaslighting and financial abuse, will be better than any ‘inheritance’ which they might dein to give (and were probably were never going to give you anyway).