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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum demanding payments each month

488 replies

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:24

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 15/08/2025 15:26

How much have you borrowed from your mum in total?
How much have you paid back in total?

MinnieMountain · 15/08/2025 15:26

Let her cut off contact. She sounds awful.

Sirzy · 15/08/2025 15:26

How much in total do you owe? What can you realistically afford to pay back each month?

Alltheoldpaintings · 15/08/2025 15:27

Do you know how much it actually is that you owe her? Or is she just demanding money?

How old are you now?

Maray1967 · 15/08/2025 15:28

Can you work out roughly how much you have borrowed? Is it less than what you have paid back? If do, stop paying now and walk away,

If necessary explain the situation to other family members, but remember that you cannot make them like or believe you. You need to like and believe yourself.

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:29

I am 20 years old.
I don’t know the exact figure, she has told me it’s a build up of different £2’s and various different small payments from when I first left home, for eg before I had received my first payment from universal credit (had just moved into a supported accommodation, was very young and not in a good place at the time, I got a job soon after!) and needed to get some food shopping (just bread, milk etc!! Nothing fancy)

OP posts:
bestcatlife · 15/08/2025 15:30

Did you sign anything when she loaned you this money, or was it just a verbal agreement that you would pay it back at some stage?
I wouldn't pay it back. She didn't treat you very kindly, and you were only 17 - basically a child.
I remember what it was like on my own at 17, very hard especially financially
Hope you're doing better now

Amammai · 15/08/2025 15:31

She is being coercive and wants to control you. As you don’t live at home, her way to do this is financially. She sounds like she’s charging you high interest in an awful loan shark type agreement?

I would try to seek independent advice (maybe citizens advice bureau or a debt management charity) and see what they advise.

Do you think you would qualify for a small bank loan? You could then pay her off in one go and make steady repayments to the bank without the emotional turmoil.

Gcsunnyside23 · 15/08/2025 15:31

Id tell her you've paid her enough and just cut her off. Or firmly re get ages getting a set amount, £50? And if she fight that then she gets nothing. You owe her nothing, she sounds like a terrible mother and you should put that money and energy into yourself and creating a better situation for yourself away from her

outerspacepotato · 15/08/2025 15:31

Do you live with her now?

Tell her you're not paying her any more money. You need your money to live and she wants half your monthly wage. You left home at 17 when she still had parental responsibility to keep you fed. If you were borrowing £10 to 20 at a time and you've been paying her £200 a month for 3 years, you've more than paid her back.

She's like a loan shark but she's doing this deliberately to keep you dependent in a financial way. She's horrible and she's abusing you financially. Go no contact and tell your relatives she's loan sharking you and you've been paying her all this time.

InBedBy10 · 15/08/2025 15:32

Stop paying her. Legally and morally you owe her nothing.

Honestly I think you will be better off without her. And if he does talk bad about you, ignore. If people want to believe her that's their problem.

AlphabetBird · 15/08/2025 15:32

Do you know what the total debt is, and do you still live independently?

Half your income is obviously not viable if you live out of her home. She’s acting like a loan shark.

Could you see Christian’s against poverty or citizens advice for help in making a proper budget which would include a payment towards the debt, and could you use that to have a discussion about how to get to the end of the debt and leave it behind you?

If you don’t know the amount you owe, or there is endless interest or additions you can’t understand, she’s taking the piss. If you have had a difficult relationship for a long time that isn’t improving and isn’t helping you live a happy life, would it matter so much if she didn’t speak to you? Could you manage on your own?

Gcsunnyside23 · 15/08/2025 15:32

Also to say, when you were 17 if you were still in school she was probably claiming child benefit, possibly tax credit, do in that case tell her to deduct that off from the date she kicked you out

Figcherry · 15/08/2025 15:32

Op if you don't live at home stop paying your dm money.
What will she do?
Going nc would probably be preferable to having an abusive parent.

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:33

bestcatlife · 15/08/2025 15:30

Did you sign anything when she loaned you this money, or was it just a verbal agreement that you would pay it back at some stage?
I wouldn't pay it back. She didn't treat you very kindly, and you were only 17 - basically a child.
I remember what it was like on my own at 17, very hard especially financially
Hope you're doing better now

Nope not at all, tbh I hadn’t assumed she would still be holding onto the £2 £3 etc payments 3 years later!!

Still not doing the best financially but better than back then, my situation has definitely improved

OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 15/08/2025 15:33

YOU DON'T OWE THIS WOMAN ANYTHING! YOU DON'T OWE HER A PENNY.

so what if she cuts you off? I'm estranged from my mum and step dad and their family (albeit i'm 10 years older than you) but its the best thing ever

Go solo. Tell her to get to fuck.

You deserved a better mother than her. And those who will try to reunite you or shame you, are just jealous of your potential and that you've managed to get away from her.

Keep going girl. Youre doing amazing sweetie xx

legsekeven · 15/08/2025 15:33

Let her cut contact!

Campingisnexttogodliness · 15/08/2025 15:33

Presumably while you lived at home she got child benefit for you?
Block her number imo.
She's a fucking scammer. Abusing her own dc..

bestcatlife · 15/08/2025 15:33

Just block her @Lifeisinshambles

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:34

outerspacepotato · 15/08/2025 15:31

Do you live with her now?

Tell her you're not paying her any more money. You need your money to live and she wants half your monthly wage. You left home at 17 when she still had parental responsibility to keep you fed. If you were borrowing £10 to 20 at a time and you've been paying her £200 a month for 3 years, you've more than paid her back.

She's like a loan shark but she's doing this deliberately to keep you dependent in a financial way. She's horrible and she's abusing you financially. Go no contact and tell your relatives she's loan sharking you and you've been paying her all this time.

I don’t live with her now, I haven’t since I was removed 3 years ago

OP posts:
Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:37

Figcherry · 15/08/2025 15:32

Op if you don't live at home stop paying your dm money.
What will she do?
Going nc would probably be preferable to having an abusive parent.

I would feel awful and would never stop blaming myself

OP posts:
Myjobisridiculous · 15/08/2025 15:37

Why do you feel like you need her.?
I mean wow… for a 20 year old you sound amazing.
Let her go. You’re more than capable of standing proud alone. You’ve already shown that.
Sometimes it’s hard…… but she’s taking the piss…..
Walk away

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:37

mumofoneAloneandwell · 15/08/2025 15:33

YOU DON'T OWE THIS WOMAN ANYTHING! YOU DON'T OWE HER A PENNY.

so what if she cuts you off? I'm estranged from my mum and step dad and their family (albeit i'm 10 years older than you) but its the best thing ever

Go solo. Tell her to get to fuck.

You deserved a better mother than her. And those who will try to reunite you or shame you, are just jealous of your potential and that you've managed to get away from her.

Keep going girl. Youre doing amazing sweetie xx

Thank you xx

OP posts:
ThatGladTiger · 15/08/2025 15:38

Without knowing the exact numbers, I reckon you have already paid back every penny you borrowed and more.

£10-20 every month for 3 years is £720. You would have paid this back in under 4 months of paying her £200 a month.

Your mother is abusing you.

You don’t owe her any money. Stop paying her anything!

SamphiretheTervosaur · 15/08/2025 15:39

You need to.do what I had to do age 17. Absolutely cut all contact. Tell those who are supporting you that you have done so and why, remember you dont know where she plucked her numbers from, you were a minor when you left home, she was still legally responsible for you. You owe her nothing

Do it now. Get some proper adult support and start living your own life

I'm almost 60 and, whilst I have flourished, made a good life for myself, I still resent the unnecessary hardships my parents lay on me whn i was a teen. And yes, 40 years on I maintain that no contact stance. They can Facebook message me, that's it. And I choose not to read messages when they do

You can.remove yourself from her machinations very easily. You just have to trust yourself