Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

Ah you poor lass, you shouldn't have to deal with this at all. I'm afraid I'm another one who would suggest no contact and I don't say that lightly.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

OP you owe this woman nothing. She’s doing this as a way to exert control over you as you no longer live under her roof. You need to stop this now otherwise it will continue on forever. You don’t need to feel guilty about putting yourself first. There is no legal obligation to pay this woman anything. X

It's a method of control, nothing more. She knows you can't afford it, she just wants you to be beholden to her.

Also, she's stealing from you. No mother adds up £2 here and there over the years and demands it back. And you will have more than paid back the 10-20 a month by now. She can't tell you exactly what you owe because she doesn't know. She's making it up and stealing half your wages every month, then threatening to cut contact if you don't pay.

That's not a mother. That's a common and garden scumbag.

Therapy will make you realise that the 'blame' is all on her - for being a fucking shit parent. It won't cost £400 quid a month either and there will be long term benefit from therapy, where as there's no long term benefit from being controlled and abused by your 'mother'.

I've been where you are now and can fully relate to your situation. Therapy and going 'no contact' was the best thing I ever did. My only regret is I wish I'd done it sooner!

You poor thing. I want to give you a hug. 20 is still so young. She sounds more like a bank than your mum. Though a bank might have a little bit more flexibility. X

My boyfriend has been saying this! That she is angry about everything that happened with me moving out etc

Your mother abused you through your childhood, effectively abandoned you before you were even an adult by throwing you out at 17, and she is still abusing you now, emotionally and financially.

Seriously, do not give your mother another penny of your money.

Have you had any counselling or therapy to work through the way you feel? You are being abused and cheated out of money. Over three years, I frankly doubt that the money you 'borrowed' even added up to more than two hundred quid IN TOTAL if it was the odd £10-20 here or there, let alone £400 a month. Your mother is seriously controlling and abusing you - what she's doing is akin to loan sharking, which is illegal. Seriously, you need some help in understanding how horrifically you're being treated and you need to cut this awful woman out of your life. None of this - really, none - is even remotely normal or acceptable behaviour from your mother. She's a fucking monster.

You don't owe her a penny. She sounds awful.
Sorry OP. My dad still gives me money noe and I 42 and has never once asked for it back large amounts agreed like a house deposit where it was agreed to give it back after time or something like that maybe an agreement is made.
But 20 quids here and there for food.. I would write these off to my kids the same as my parents did for me when I was younger.

Jog on you nasty piece of work

@Lifeisinshambles have you had any counselling about your childhood? It might help in terms of cutting her out of your life.

This is nuts
so she doesn’t have any proof that you owe her anything at all and you keep paying her?

stop it. Now. And if she goes NC so be it. She is financially abusive.

She has specifically told me that she wouldn’t give me money for a rental flat deposit etc if I had asked

Are you the OP's 'mother' ?

Work out how much you've given her over the last three years. Tell her that you've given her this amount, that it far exceeds what you borrowed, and so you will not be giving her any more.

She can't do anything about it. She has no records and she'd be laughed out of any solicitor's office.

What exactly do you think she could do to you? Can you explain?

You said that she knows where you live. If she turns up threatening anything, you call the police. There really is nothing to be lost here. There is no relationship.

Ok let’s get objective over this :

Assuming this has been going on for 4 years. So 48 months

you've borrowed a non specific £10/£20 here and there. Let’s be over generous and say £100 a month. Which over 4 years is £4800

you’ve been paying her back at a rate of £200 a month again let’s say that’s over 3 years whilst you got yourself together. That’s £7200 that you have ‘paid her back’.

that’s complete payback with a 66% interest rate.

You have signed nothing and I’m guessing you’ve paid her back through your bank account so have proof.

legally you owe her nothing
morally you sure as hell owe her nothing.

and you are not doing the one doing the cutting off - that’s on her.

this is going to take some courage but you just say mum I have paid you back all I borrowed, if she disputes this ask for evidence. If she blows a gasket, which I feel she will, just let her stew. She will come round.

"Mum, you were so abusive I had to leave home and fend for myself at 17; what you owe me can never be paid, and I'm not expecting it to be. But I'm an adult now, with adult bills to pay, and I don't earn enough to be subsidising anyone else. I will not be giving you any more money". Then don't.

It's probably an empty threat to cut you off, but if not... Well, do you really want a relationship with anyone who only wants to know you if you pay them? Would you accept it from anyone else?

Stand up to her, and if she makes any threats or anything, ask her if she'd like to be on the radar of the police as well as social services. Or you'll still be living like this at 30, and 40. The barrier is in your head - break it down.

It makes me feel very sad to think of my parents, particularly my dad, not having me
I can’t explain it, but it really is something I can’t shift

She is doing what a loan shark does. I would ask her how much you owe in total and get a bank loan to pay it off and never speak to her again.

Even if you don't know the exact amounts, I bet if you sat down and worked it out on an average basis (e.g "an average of £50 every month for 24 months") you'd have a rough idea. And you'd be able to know how much you've given her back from checking back through your bank details. I absolutely BET she owes you money. Worst case scenario is it's close enough that you could send her a text or an email with your calculations on and say you consider the matter closed etc. And then I'd go NC.

My children owe me thousands, but I have and never would ask for a penny back as they obviously really needed it to ask for it, as a parent you do everything you can to make life easier for your children.
One of my sons put £400 in my account and I was quite upset with him, but he has been home on leave for the past 2 weeks and we have been treating him like a prince as the stubborn sod wouldn't let me put it back in his account.
Your mum won't go no contact if you refuse to give her any more of your hard earned money as she is paying a control game over you, it's abuse and hopefully you will soon be able to see that x

She has actually said something about how she’d rather I go to her than to any banks or ‘loan sharks’, and that she’d never charge me any interest!

I am and old woman and gave over everything to my two daughters. Let me tell you lady, if this is a real post. Cut off your mother and stop making people believe that someone has the legal power to demand hundreds of pounds from you in this country. No one has this right. Not your mother, not your husband or your boyfriend. No one has this legal power in my country also. Our children give us willingly if we are old and have a pension of 60 euros. Not that we ask of them.

I bet it does! They have absolutely failed you, this is a really sad read. Stop paying the "debt" and spend the money on therapy to help you work through these (entirely reasonable) feelings. Good luck and well done on all your progress so far!

But it’s not you that’s causing any split, if she cuts you off because you refuse to play her game any more that’s on them.

I do agree with a pp, do spend some of the money you’re freeing up on therapy. You have a lot to unpick here.

I don’t think I have a legal obligation, it’s much more of a moral and emotional issue. It just makes me very sad and coupled with everything else happening in life right now it’s really hard to cope with