Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

Honestly, you will bemuch better off without this toxic relationship. Parents of young adults your age should be there to guide & support their child into independent afulthood. Instead, yours threw you out & abandoned you at 17, when still financially responsible for you! And is now demanding repayment of £1000s that she has no proof of you borrowing! Any decent parent would happily give £20 here & there to buy food without any expectations of getting it back. I’m angry on your behalf, your mum disgusts me. My DC are your age , I could never imagine treating them like this unless they had done something really awful. Cut her out & don’t give her another penny. It will be hard at first but you will be happier in the long run.

Do you think your mum knows an exact figure she's lent you?

Has it ever been bank transferred with references like "money lent" or have you ever text her and is there a paper trail of "can I borrow.."

I'm just asking because it's most likely legally going to be seen as a gift but I have had a run in with a family member who documented absolutely every single penny lent to another family member and when they lost control they started taking them to small claims court even though they could easily get by without the money and they were just being petty, so I know how ridiculous some family members can get.

If it's always been verbal, in cash, or transferred with no meaningful reference in the reference section when transferring though it would be seen as being gifted money and not enforceable for repayment.

In short, nobody should ever give someone else money that they aren't willing to lose.

If there is a paper trail though you'd do yourself a massive favour dedicating some time to totting it up, and working out an affordable repayment scheme FOR YOU, not for her, and sticking to that, whilst also significantly reducing your contact and working on asserting boundaries.

Your mum isn't your friend. She isn't even a good mum. She is a manipulative controlling abuser, and she's not the sort of person you want in your life.

You really do have to stop giving in to her demands. None of it makes sense. Yes, you are still very young, but do you really need this woman in your life? Honestly, you would thrive without her negative presence, not to mention thriving financially without her draining you. I cut off my mother when I was 20, and I didn't look back. If she was a loving, kind, motherly kind of mother, then I could see your reluctance to step away from the relationship - but honestly, what do you have to lose???

Surely it cant amount to having to pay back £400 a month if it was less than a tenner or £20 here and there? Id say youve paid it back and more
Let her cut you off if thats what she wishes j
, it sounds like your life will be alot better without her on at you for money all the time

So this is debt incurred during a period wherein she was legally obligated to provide for you financially?

You need to shut down your social media (or just make it so noone can post to your wall and you don’t access messenger) and just go dark. Don’t contact your mother - don’t admit to owing her money just stop engaging.

You said you’re on universal credit. Do you have a job?

Sickening to think of doing this to your child! You have done so well and should be proud of how much you've achieved; without any real help.

If your mother has no receipts OP, then I'd tell her the payments are finished. It sounds as if you've overpaid anyway! As a previous poster said, what happened to the child benefit? Did she hang on to it?
You need this 'debt' over with for your own stress levels.

Agree with a poster above; you can access counselling via your GP.

Exactly.
OP, could you send her this calculation and say that you don’t believe you owe her anything anymore. If she disagrees, ask her for the numbers but don’t pay anything anymore - and if she do send you a list of ridiculous amounts (ie not just money you actually borrowed, with realistic amounts) stay strong and refuse to pay.

OP, you sound lovely-please listen to all of the mums on here telling you that we would never dream of behaving like this.Let alone abandoning you and mistreating you.Do you have any access to care leavers support? If this is something you feel may help, it would be good to have a professional to support you, and, to be blunt, to have someone neutral to witness your mother's appalling demands https://www.careleavers.com/
https://www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/help-at-hand/help-information-advice/i-am-a-care-leaver/

I was on universal credit when I first was removed from their home, I’ve been working consistently for over 2.5 years, and did have plenty of jobs before I moved out.

I don’t think you owe your mother anything. But if you want to keep a relationship with her maybe ask her to clarify exactly how much money you owe her with proof, and ask for a more reasonable payment plan.
Alternatively tell her you owe her nothing and then block.

I don’t know what happened with the child benefit, I didn’t get it so I assume she did?

Ask her to list all the separate amounts she has loaned you and see if you can work out how much you have paid. Do not accept it’s £x now, without back up.

I would say that you are going to CAB, as you are struggling financially, and you need a statement of all debts. I suspect your debt will be miraculously cancelled.

if everything you’ve said is true, your DM is financially abusing you.

when i do replayments i write a log of what i borrowed and date it then any repayments etc do the same and theres no account errors

I honestly would not pay. What can she really do about it? She sounds like a vile and nasty piece of work. I have one of those too for my dad and my mum has passed away. I don't speak to my dad anymore and I miss nothing. I would just stop replying to her. She will always find something to hold over you

They’d be thinking “About Time” or “Well done that girl!”.

Your Mother is despicable. Truly despicable. Does she bring anything positive to your life?

Not every parent deserves a relationship with their child. They have to earn it, and some can't, won't or don't want to.

It is incredibly sad, it'll feel unfair, but please remember that it's not your fault.

Many years ago my friends partner was in this situation with a blood sucking mother. He got into debt on credit cards because she needed stuff as well as the money. He was eventually declared bankrupt. That stopped everything.

My friend took him in as a lodger with a rent book. She had her own home and was financially stable. He had a roof over his head. It was an awful time for him.

You have a boyfriend who can see your mother for what she is. A leech. Listen to him.

Do not pay her any more money. If she turns up you can involve the police who will make her leave.

Go No Contact immediately and stop giving this toxic, abusive person money.

Not sure if anyone has already posted but it could be worth finding out what support your Local Authority can provide as you are an adult care leaver. In some cases previously looked after children can access different types of support until mid 20s. Have look at gov.uk support for care leavers and The Care Leavers Association. ❤️

I wouldn't pay any more money. But first I would ask family members for "advice/ perspective/what you are going to do".

That way you are on the front foot when she probably starts slagging you off to them when you stop.

@Lifeisinshamblesplease look at @Billybagpuss post and see that you have likely paid your mum back way more than you ever borrowed. Don’t pay her anything more and reduce your contact greatly. Some people aren’t cut out to be parents and she sounds like one of them.
I do think some counselling/therapy will help too.

She is such a shit mother. Pathetic excuse for one. Cut contact with her before she does it. That way you can control this situation. Who treats their child like this

When I read your posts, I wanted to tell you to cut her off, you mum is clearly a terrible parent and doesn't have your best interests at heart and everything everyone else has said about how good parents behave is so right. However, I understand how hard it is go no contact with your mum and maybe everyone else in your family and how scary it feels especially at your age. Even if you borrowed £20 every week for three years it would be about £3000. She's taking advantage of you, and I bet if you just said that you'd paid enough and you weren't going to borrow from her again or pay that money back, she would huff for a little bit and then find another way to try and control you. If you were going to spend £400 a month on anything, it should be therapy to deal with the shit your mum has been doing to you. You've been so brave for the last three years, making your life on your own and you have people in your life who see your worth. So please listen to them and not your mum.

By 'they' and 'them' I presume you mean both your parents.

It's your mother who is asking you to pay back what you have borrowed from her. Most mothers would gladly help their child financially with a few quid here and there and not demand it back.

Unless there is something in writing proving that you borrowed and agreed to refund, she cannot demand. She can obviously try which is what she is doing but has no leg to stand on and £400 a month is ridiculous.

Cut her off, don't borrow from your mother, or father, any more.

You will earn more in time, things will get easier.

You are still so young even now at 20. But for what it’s worth you sound very mature, having secured housing, a job and a car by yourself.

I agree with others when they say you should cut her off however I know it’s sometimes not that easy. If you don’t want to cut her off then at minimum she needs to provide you with a total sum of what you owe. Expecting you to blindly repay debt with no idea of what the balance is is unreasonable. Once you know the sum, you go back to her to her with a proposed plan for repayment that won’t leave you so short that you have to borrow more money. Given the average age to leave home is now 25 years old in the U.K. I think tallying up the odd £2s you’ve spent on your child who left at 17 is awful, but alas…

In terms of your own finances, is there anything you can do to better them? Is your monthly wage low because you receive housing through work, or are you part time? If the latter - can you go full time/pick up more hours/change jobs etc? Have you checked if you are entitled to any benefits, as universal credit can still be awarded to those on low income to top up wages? Could housing through the council be an option (I’d think your background involvement with social services demonstrating that living with mum is not an option could help your case with this)?