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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum demanding payments each month

488 replies

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:24

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

OP posts:
Inshockandsome · 15/08/2025 15:55

If you really can’t face saying no, then offer to pay her 50p a month and set up a direct debit and forget about it. Don’t let her disrupt you op. You were removed for very good reason and desperately need to see a professional counsellor to talk this through.

TorroFerney · 15/08/2025 15:55

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:37

I would feel awful and would never stop blaming myself

You would stop, you’d feel awful for a bit and then the feeling would subside I promise you and be replaced by another better I am free feeling. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean it’s right . It’s a feeling not a fact.

Shellyash · 15/08/2025 15:55

Without the facts you are a bit stuck. You need to ask her for the numbers of what you borrowed and when. And then go back to her with a plan that you can stick to. I hear what others are saying about cutting her off, but you are still a young girl in a big world, and you know your mum. Try to get the correct numbers and if possible try to get back on side but not with you taking the abuse. All the best with it, very difficult.

Anewuser · 15/08/2025 15:55

@Lifeisinshambles this is such a sad tale.

I don’t see that you own her anything. If you had borrowed a couple of hundred pounds to buy a car or go on holiday, I could maybe understand where she’s coming from. But your ‘loans’ have come from everyday living expenses.

At 17, she was still responsible for your living costs.

I think you’ve done amazingly well to fend for yourself these past 3 years and you should be proud of yourself.

I can understand you being upset that you may get cut off or she will bad mouth you to others but it really is time to stand up for yourself.

A mother should want to support their child.

I wish you luck.

Noshadelamp · 15/08/2025 15:56

Also is she trying to say you need to pay her £400 a month every month? How could that even be right?

What mother "lends"her 17 year old child money for food after being so abusive the child needs to move out for respite??

I

Finteq · 15/08/2025 15:56

I am absolutely shocked.

I thought maybe she needed the cash and that's why she kept demanding it.

But you need to stop paying her.

Just stop.

If she decides to cut contact that is on her.

But you can't live like this.

Finteq · 15/08/2025 15:56

I don't think she will cut contact with you.

Sirzy · 15/08/2025 15:57

You were removed from her care. The least she owes you is the odd £20 here and there!

Sounds like unfortunately you will be better off without her.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 15/08/2025 15:58

mumofoneAloneandwell · 15/08/2025 15:33

YOU DON'T OWE THIS WOMAN ANYTHING! YOU DON'T OWE HER A PENNY.

so what if she cuts you off? I'm estranged from my mum and step dad and their family (albeit i'm 10 years older than you) but its the best thing ever

Go solo. Tell her to get to fuck.

You deserved a better mother than her. And those who will try to reunite you or shame you, are just jealous of your potential and that you've managed to get away from her.

Keep going girl. Youre doing amazing sweetie xx

^^ absolutely this ^^

I am sorry but your Mum is an awful, disgusting person and I am sorry you didn't get a better one.

Please DO NOT pay her another penny and let her cut you off if she wants to.

You will be so much better off without her controlling you as she has done all these years.

TY78910 · 15/08/2025 15:58

She’s having you on OP. Chances are you’ve long paid off what you owe her. Tell her no receipts, no payment. Cut her off, you’ll be better off

spoonbillstretford · 15/08/2025 15:58

Don't pay her anything. She's your mother and should be supporting you financially and emotionally, and she has singularly failed. She owes you years of love and support which you have not received. You deserve so much more. Keep your money and make your life away from this dreadful person.

Inshockandsome · 15/08/2025 15:59

Op - please go fo the GP. Six weeks of free counselling is available free of charge to everyone. You need it more than most.

When you are older you are going to see how awful this is, but for now you have all of us. Lots of virtual mothers to support you.

SecretNameAsImShy · 15/08/2025 16:00

Cut off ties. She doesn’t sound like she has enriched your life. Time to let go of the apron strings

WaltzingWaters · 15/08/2025 16:00

She doesn’t care about you at all and just wants power over you. She couldn’t possibly see you suffer and struggle like this when she has so much if she does.
Cut her off and you’ll feel such a weight lifted after a while.

GameWheelsAlarm · 15/08/2025 16:01

She is lying to you. You have already repaid a reasonable amount for what you have borrowed. If there's no written agreement then it was reasonable for you to assume the other money you received was a gift, it is entirely normal for mums to give small sums to their offspring and entirely abnornal to try to reclaim it years later. Let her know that you believe you have now repaid in full all reasonable debts and you will not be making any further payments. If that causes her to cut off contact that's her choice. Loving relationships are not something it is possible to pay for, if she wants a regular income from you in order to have a relationship with you then sadly that isn't love.

Ponderingwindow · 15/08/2025 16:01

If there is no record of these loans, just stop paying her. She is going to disparage you no matter what you do. If it isn’t over money it will be something else.

A decent parent doesn’t behave like this. They might engage in some financial discipline to help their child learn to be an adult, but that is wildly different than what is going on here.

Sometimes we don’t get the parents we deserve. The best thing you can do is to stop seeking approval and to stop giving them control. As an adult, they only have power if you let them have power. It’s a hard thing to put into practice. I still work at it, but I woke up in the middle of the night in my 40s with this utter clarity that it was time to be free from the coercion and my life has been so much better since that moment. Try to do it earlier than me, you will be so much happier.

SuffolkUnicorn · 15/08/2025 16:02

She’s taking the piss out of you op

ask her for receipts bet she won’t have them

Zodiacrobat · 15/08/2025 16:02

She was abusing you then (physically and verbally) and is still abusing you (financially). £400 pm is outrageous and obviously far more than you’ve ever borrowed. It’s ridiculous.

I would say enough, walk away. Hard to do but she needs to know you won’t let this abuse continue. Wishing you well.

Bikergran · 15/08/2025 16:02

Just stop paying and cut contact. Cut loose. Enjoy your life. Move to another city if necessary.

PennywisePoundFoolish · 15/08/2025 16:02

Just stop paying her. I assume the borrowing and repaying was all in cash, so it's impossible to prove. When did you last borrow any money from her?

If you really won't stop paying her (which you should) at least transfer it electronically and don't deal in cash with her anymore.

But really and truly, just stop. It sounds like she's exploiting you. I guess she lost child benefit and possibly more when you were removed and is taking advantage of you now she knows you have a job

polarbearoverthere · 15/08/2025 16:03

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds awful and like she has consistently been awful for years.
I don’t think demanding this money back from you is reasonable at all. Letting it go would be the very least she could do to try and make up for all you’ve been through.
I would seriously suggest you consider how you do benefit from this relationship and whether it is causing further hurt. If she thinks your relationship is conditional on repaying money, it’s not healthy for you.
I wish you all the best x

Radiowaawaa · 15/08/2025 16:03

Stop blaming yourself. Your Mum failed you, not the other way around.

Theres no record of what is owed. How can she work out how much is still to be paid if she doesn’t know the total sum or how much has been repaid?

Daisyvodka · 15/08/2025 16:04

OP, just out of interest, if you text her right now and said 'can you give me an exact figure of how much i owe you please, I believe I borrowed £30 once a month for 2 years making it roughly £720, I have paid you back £400, so thats £320 left, does that match the figure you have?'
To be clear, I think she's taking advantage of you and you shouldn't give her anything, but what would she say if you ask for an exact figure?

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 16:06

Anewuser · 15/08/2025 15:55

@Lifeisinshambles this is such a sad tale.

I don’t see that you own her anything. If you had borrowed a couple of hundred pounds to buy a car or go on holiday, I could maybe understand where she’s coming from. But your ‘loans’ have come from everyday living expenses.

At 17, she was still responsible for your living costs.

I think you’ve done amazingly well to fend for yourself these past 3 years and you should be proud of yourself.

I can understand you being upset that you may get cut off or she will bad mouth you to others but it really is time to stand up for yourself.

A mother should want to support their child.

I wish you luck.

This makes me want to cry, thank you. Maybe that sounds weird but it’s really moved me!
The best/worst part is that she had offered to buy me a car, but I managed to do it without as tbh I didn’t want anything to be used against me! (my boss really helped me out which helped me immensely).

OP posts:
MrBeanMustBeMyDad · 15/08/2025 16:06

As both someone who left home at 17, and a mother of a 17 year old, from the bottom of my heart, I want you to tell her to get to fuck.

At 20 years of age, you've lived alone for 3 years!!! At 20 I hope my DD is still at home, using her earnings to live life and save towards a house deposit so she can have a slightly easier life - and I'm not quite potless, but I don't have £150k in the bank.
In fact, many of us treat our kids friends/boyfriends better than your mother sounds like she has treated you.

How dare she treat you like this? Oh you borrowed 2 and 3 here and there, a 10 or 20- when she should have been feeding and housing you.

I know, I know, it's harder being on your end of the situation- it's always easy to tell someone to leave the situation with family members who are no good. I was told repeatedly- and through fear of what they'd say about me, fear of them turning up at my house, and the fear that I was the problem- and judgement I would face all kept me in a cycle of continuing on a relationship.

I haven't had contact in 11 years, and it hurt quite badly for a year, but then I started to live life in the moment, I stopped worrying, my mental health improved and I could really breathe without their drama.

I wish you all the best, I'm sorry that this is the relationship you have with your mum.