Mum demanding payments each month

[Lifeisinshambles]

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part.
Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month.
From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt.
She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+.
I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left?
She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family.
AIBU, or is she?

You were under age- so I do not think a loan agreement would be legal if you signed one.
If you did not have a signed loan agreement past 18 you owe nothing
Say you are not paying anything anymore. If the relationship ends you are better off anyway

It sounds unlikely that you owe her any money at all! If she can’t show you the debt, or even tell you how much it supposedly is, she’s not going to get far with any sort of small claim.

She is indeed acting like a loan shark, as people have said. Adding ridiculous interest or random amounts to this “debt” in order to keep you in the hook forever.

If you moved out 3 years ago at 17, you must still be only 20? That’s still incredibly young. Give yourself a break as you’re doing so well.

You need to tell her that you consider the loans repaid. I do think your best course of action would be to cut her off entirely.

Do you have any scope to move? How are you housed at the moment, is it a private landlord or through the local authority?

Edit - also, when you say physical fights, do you mean physical abuse on you, or fights between your parents? It sounds like you haven’t fully recognised this as abuse, and that’s why you’re somehow still looking for their “forgiveness” for telling the authorities- when it’s they who have done the only wrong in this situation.

Use the money for counselling OP, you won't give her a penny after that.

DONT text her asking what you owe. This acknowledges a debt and if there is nothing in writing then any money she has lent you could easily have been gifts.

Stop paying her, live within your means even if that is difficult and you have to get a second job. Try to build up some small savings.

Those little amounts you have been in the habit of borrowing could have mounted up but it sound like you have paid something back. Have you paid by bank transfers? If so work out how much you have paid. Did you mother hand you cash or were they bank transfers? If so you can see how much you have borrowed.

@Lifeisinshambles you need to see this as a business transaction.

Work out what you borrowed and what you paid back with approximate dates. Use a spreadsheet. Make it balance so if shows you have paid off the debt.

Then WRITE to her:

"Dear Mum,
Between <date> and <date> I borrowed the total sum of £XXX from you. Since then, I have paid back the sum of £XXX, therefore all outstanding debt has been paid off and no further money is owed. Best wishes, YOU".

If she responds, ask her to prove the further debt and send a copy of the spreadsheet.

Don't pay any more. Just stop.

As you moved out, did the child benefit get paid to you?

Use food banks,they're your friend. You owe your mother nothing. She may have still been claiming child benefit gor you when you moved out. Go no contact, I wish I had done at your age.

Please don't feel any guilt. You haven't done anything wrong, why should you feel guilty? Any guilt should be hers, she has been and still is an awful mother.

I grew up in an abusive family and realised far too late that my mother was a covert narcissist. Eventually she pushed me too far and I stopped seeing her. She told lies to everyone else, who sadly believed her. Whilst I accept that people who knew me but believed her, without getting in touch with me, are not worth having a relationship with, I am sorry I didn't let them all know the truth.

For your own mental health, I'd suggest you distance yourself from this dreadful woman. Get therapy if you can. As time passes you will feel less guilty and clear of the FOG (fear, obligation & guilt) that abusive parents instill in their children.

Have a look at the Stately Homes threads here, you will find similar stories and plenty of support. It's not you. It's her.

Your mom is a leech who is sucking you dry financially. What she's doing is financial abuse.

Would it help to think of her as your egg donor rather than your mom?

She has no care for you. It hurts, but that's your starting point to tell her no and go no contact.

What are you afraid of if you do that?

You've overpaid her small loans and she profited off you when you weren't even in her care.

Who will she tell that she's gotten thousands of pounds from your meagre salary? She looks like a con conning her own daughter.

It sounds like you paid her off already if you think about what you borrowed and what you’re paying.
please don’t pay her anymore. She’s an awful mother and I don’t know anyone else who’d be like this.
Most mothers support their kids to make progress. She’s hindering yours.
Please do yourself a favour and start focussing on yourself. Stop paying her and start using the money to better yourself and your life.

Fancy coming in to all that money, and still wanting money from you. In her shoes, I would have told you that the slate was clear and I would have given you £20k at least as a gift. She sounds so mean.

It is very unlikely you 'owe' her anywhere near the amount you're paying back. She is a vile scammer and an abuser. The best thing you could do for yourself is cut contact but I understand that is not easy and you probably need some serious therapy to work through this

You have been dreadfully abused by your mother.
This so called "debt" (it is not a debt, you owe her nothing) is just another way for her to control and abuse you.

Look up the 'grey rock' technique if you are not ready to cut all contact.
Stop venting to her or telling her anything about your life.

Read these threads:
"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families | Mumsnet

This, in spades. She sounds awful OP and I think the best thing would be a break from her to be honest.

Either way, if you've been giving her £200 a month for at least a year (and it sounds like you have) then you've given her £2400 and that is more than enough. Time to stop.

You're TWENTY???!! Christ. If you were 30 or 40 then it would be borderline, but given how young you are, YA definitely NBU. She's expecting you to pay you back money THAT SHE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU ANYWAY at those ages. That's what parents do. They support their children until they are able to be independent (which, for most people these days, is some time in their 20s). Sure, some parents might charge their young adult children some "rent" or "keep", either because the parent genuinely needs it to pay for the things they provide for the child, or to help the child become independent, but this isn't either of those situations. She is causing you real hardship here. She isn't doing it to teach you anything, and she doesn't need the money, she's just using it as another way to control you. It is abuse.

Thank you.
I don’t want to be too outing but I am privately housed via work.
I mean both types.

No, it is not like a business transaction. DON'T write to your mother about it.
Just stop paying her and tell her you won't be paying her any more.
She is financially abusing you.
That is all.

This is a crazy situation to be in.
How can you possibly ever be out of her dept if you don't know how much it's alleged you own her?

I realise it's been some years and you've already been giving her money but you do need to ask her what the final total is and get her to explain how she's come to it or try yourself and work out how much you think it is.

She can't just double what she expects you to pay without question and it's for you to ask those questions, surely if you do owe her anything the amount would have gone down as you've already paid what sounds like a substantial amount already.

This is a way of her controlling you, and extracting money from someone to boot is a despicable way of doing so.

This shouldn't be left for her to decide, or to continue, it needs sorting once and for all she can't keep taking from you.

If you feel you owe nothing again tell her.
You're 20 years old how long are you prepared to pay out?
There's no way I'd be paying anyone any money for the rest of my days just because they demanded it.

You've moved out, at quite a young ish age and it certainly won't be your fault if she cuts contact, as for worrying about what gossip she'll spill I'd imagine most people know what she's like so don't give that a second thought.

OP stop paying her. I assume the YABU 8% are accidental votes. Cut all contact.

Sounds more like a fucking loan shark than a mother. Legally she has no way of making you pay as so I guess it comes down to how much you want to maintain the relationship if you think she’d really cut you off. I suspect she needs you on the hook to her somehow in a dysfunctional self serving way, so is just bluffing. But if I were you I’d be going NC with her anyway.

Sounds like no contact would be a blessing - move on and leave her behind.

Did she give you the money in cash, or transfer it? If it was transferred you can go through your bank statements and work out exactly how much, if it was cash it was on her to keep an exact record.

That said I completely agree with everyone else saying don't give her another penny. From what you've said about the amounts borrowed, it sounds like you'd have more than paid her back by now. She doesn't need your money and she's trying to control you/play some weird games.

You've had some great advice about support available, it might seem really scary but you're absolutely strong enough to live without her xx

It's sickening that a mother would abuse her child in this way. I'm so sorry.

I would try to do some reading on toxic and abusive parents/family members. You need to be free of her and you deserve to be free of her.

She would be doing you a favour if she did cut contact tbh, she sounds awful.

You are an adult and there are always 2 sides to a story, you both sound as bad as each other, if you are paying back £400 month you must owe her a lot, its not her job to keep you or lend you money, you need either a better job or another job you can do weekends and evenings(yes been there done that) you need to stop borrowing money, get a loan from your bank and pay your mum back and dont borrow any more from her , its seems youve come on here looking for sympathy expecting your mum just to give you money , thats not how life works

I'm sorry you can never give her enough money, you can never do enough of what she asks, you can never be a good enough daughter for her to turn things around and become the mother you deserve. To like you and treat you kindly and not bad mouth you to everyone she knows like you're the problem. So honestly, the sooner you give up on her and stop trying to meet her on her (constantly shifting) terms, the better for you. How could your relationship be any worse than it is now, when she is transparently exploiting you for as much cash as she can get, ruining your happiness and potentially your future in the process?

You owe her nothing she owes you. She will have been creaming child benefit that she was meant to be using on your living expenses whilst she put you into debt for paying those expenses yourself. Then she's made up a punitive interest regime which frankly, sounds illegal.

Stop paying her, don't explain and don't engage. Let her do her worst. She's a pathetic person and you are strong. Spend the money on a therapist instead x