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Original poster

Lied to boyfriend about STD. I feel have so much guilt

279 replies

wheresamy · 13/08/2025 21:12

I initially posted this on the relationships board but only 1 person replied. I know there’s more traffic here.

I’m probably going to get some nasty comments, and honestly I can’t blame anyone if they do. I’m 31 now, but back in my early 20s, I had unprotected sex with someone who gave me HPV. I ended up with genital warts, had them removed, and had one flare up a year later, but since then it’s been clear for at least 7-8 years. I haven’t had sex in over 5 years, so I haven’t had to discuss this with anyone.

Recently, I had a smear test, and they found HPV in my sample so I need to go back for another test in 12 months. About two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend, and I didn’t tell him. I didn’t mention it because HPV is so common, and I haven’t had a flare up in a long time.

It’s been weighing on me though. I’ve felt so guilty, so I decided to tell him today. I didn’t mention the warts, just talked about the recent smear test. He asked if I knew about it before we met, and I lied and said no. He was so lovely about it, saying it was okay, that I couldn’t have known and it was just a freak accident. He even said he wouldn’t mind if he got it since it’s very common, but still, I lied.

I feel awful with guilt, and I’m not sure how to move forward knowing I’ve lied. I’m head over heels in love with this man, and I know he might leave me if I tell him the truth, but I’m not sure I can keep going like this. I don’t think he will ever trust or look at me the same way again if I tell him. The crazy thing is I believe he would have stayed with me even if I had been honest. Now, I think he might leave because I lied. I’m so angry at myself.

I’m suppose to see him on the weekend and I’m not sure if I can look him in the eye. What do I do

OP posts:
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Original poster
wheresamy · 13/08/2025 21:18

Just to add, I think the warts (sorry I know it’s disgusting) fall into a bit of a grey area since that happened years ago. But, I was aware that the HPV infection was active two weeks before meeting him, and that’s what I feel so guilty about. I regret not telling him before we had sex, so he could make his own decision.

OP posts:
HappySummerDays · 13/08/2025 21:20

I think you need to tell him the truth.

HappySummerDays · 13/08/2025 21:20

If the shoe was on the other foot would you want to know that your partner had an active STD and didn't tell you?

Lavender14 · 13/08/2025 21:21

Tbh I think you know that relationships don't do well with lies, so if you're serious about him then tbh I would come clean and explain that you felt really embarrassed which is why you weren't more forthcoming. And hopefully he's as understanding about that as he's been so far.

My ex lied and told me he'd had an sti test between me and his previous sexual partner. I didn't find out until years later and tbh I felt really uncomfortable that he'd lied about that but if he'd come to me directly rather than me catching him out in the lie it would have made things easier.

OtterlyMad · 13/08/2025 21:22

As someone with a family member who has suffered with cancer caused by HPV, I think what you’ve done is deplorable. It’s a common infection but it can have lasting consequences and your sexual partners have the right to make an informed choice about whether to have unprotected sex with you or not. For me, this would absolutely be a deal breaker as I couldn’t continue in a relationship with someone who could do something so selfish and then lie about it as well.

bellamorgan · 13/08/2025 21:23

You are building a relationship on a foundation of lies. It doesn’t exactly bode well for the future.

You took away his choice to actively give informed consent for sex.

Original poster
wheresamy · 13/08/2025 21:24

HappySummerDays · 13/08/2025 21:20

If the shoe was on the other foot would you want to know that your partner had an active STD and didn't tell you?

Yes I would want him to tell me and this is why I feel so guilty. I know what I’ve done is unforgivable.

OP posts:
freshpyjamas · 13/08/2025 21:26

You should feel guilty this is bloody awful. It’s akin to assault.

SnarkyTaupeBee · 13/08/2025 21:31

Horrid and vile.

Neodymium · 13/08/2025 21:31

How old is he? He may have had the hpv vaccine. also, did you get exposed to warts or herpes? HPV is genetial herpes not warts. So if you did have warts years ago and then none of- hpv is not the same thing.

I think that 75% of the population has been exposed to hpv so I’m not sure that it’s a huge deal. I understand it can cause cervical cancer but thats why there is the vaccine.

Bodypumpmum · 13/08/2025 21:31

Why two threads?

Original poster
wheresamy · 13/08/2025 21:31

OtterlyMad · 13/08/2025 21:22

As someone with a family member who has suffered with cancer caused by HPV, I think what you’ve done is deplorable. It’s a common infection but it can have lasting consequences and your sexual partners have the right to make an informed choice about whether to have unprotected sex with you or not. For me, this would absolutely be a deal breaker as I couldn’t continue in a relationship with someone who could do something so selfish and then lie about it as well.

I know it’s selfish. I don’t even know what to say or why I didn’t just tell him when we met.

OP posts:
LadybugsAndSunshine · 13/08/2025 21:33

Hpv confuses the hell out of me, isn’t it the case that 99% of people that are sexually active have hpv and it can come and go?

Original poster
wheresamy · 13/08/2025 21:40

Neodymium · 13/08/2025 21:31

How old is he? He may have had the hpv vaccine. also, did you get exposed to warts or herpes? HPV is genetial herpes not warts. So if you did have warts years ago and then none of- hpv is not the same thing.

I think that 75% of the population has been exposed to hpv so I’m not sure that it’s a huge deal. I understand it can cause cervical cancer but thats why there is the vaccine.

He's 31. I’m not sure if he's had the vaccine.

It was definitely genital warts, not herpes. I visited the sexual health clinic, and they first gave me some cream (can't remember the name) that helped a little but didn't completely get rid of them, so they had to freeze them off.

The letter I received from the NHS about my smear test said my cells were normal, but they found HPV, and I need to retest in 12 months. It said on the letter that 80% of women have it at some point in their life.

As far as I know, HPV infections can go away on their own, but the virus stays in the body for life (I might be wrong about this but that’s my understanding. It is a bit confusing if I’m honest)

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 13/08/2025 21:40

Did you at least use protection with him?

Obeseandashamed · 13/08/2025 21:42

I’m confused by this. He now knows but you could have told him earlier. In my head, you could have dealt with it better but did the responsible thing by telling him and he now has the ability to make an informed decision.

Lavender14 · 13/08/2025 21:44

wheresamy · 13/08/2025 21:31

I know it’s selfish. I don’t even know what to say or why I didn’t just tell him when we met.

Show quote history

Just tell him the truth..I have something to tell you I am really ashamed about and have really struggled to know how best to bring up. But I think honesty is really important in a relationship and I care about you so I'm being honest because I think you deserve that from me. You asked me x and I lied. I was aware I had an active infection. I'm aware that I put you at risk and this was selfish and I let my own embarrassment get in the way when I should have just been straight with you. I understand that you probably feel hurt and angry hearing this and I want you to know I'm deeply sorry and I respect that you may feel differently about me after hearing this, but I hope you will give me a chance to earn back your trust.

Then you need to be prepared to take his feelings on board and do the work to get him to trust you again.

"It’s akin to assault." This is very much how I felt when I found out my ex had lied to me. There's never going to be a good time to do this so you just need to pull the plaster off and accept what comes next and learn from this.

TyroleanKnockabout · 13/08/2025 21:48

Neodymium · 13/08/2025 21:31

How old is he? He may have had the hpv vaccine. also, did you get exposed to warts or herpes? HPV is genetial herpes not warts. So if you did have warts years ago and then none of- hpv is not the same thing.

I think that 75% of the population has been exposed to hpv so I’m not sure that it’s a huge deal. I understand it can cause cervical cancer but thats why there is the vaccine.

HPV is not herpes, herpes is HSV.

Original poster
wheresamy · 13/08/2025 21:54

Obeseandashamed · 13/08/2025 21:42

I’m confused by this. He now knows but you could have told him earlier. In my head, you could have dealt with it better but did the responsible thing by telling him and he now has the ability to make an informed decision.

It’s because I told him after we’d been intimate, which took away his opportunity to decide for himself. He said that if I had kept it to myself and not said anything beforehand, it would be different. Right now, he thinks it’s just a random accident. I don’t think he would have ended things or avoided being intimate with me, but I definitely took that choice away from him, along with the chance for us to talk about it first. I don’t think it’s about the STD, it’s more about the dishonesty and the breach of trust.

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresamy · 13/08/2025 21:55

Coconutter24 · 13/08/2025 21:40

Did you at least use protection with him?

No we didn’t use any protection. I know what I’ve done is disgraceful and I’m so ashamed.

OP posts:
WinterFaye2 · 13/08/2025 21:59

HPV and herpes are 2 different things.

Herpes (cold sores and genital warts) HSV - herpes simplex virus.

and HPV - human papilloma virus. Most people will have or carry Hpv at some point in their lives, not always with symptoms and can resolve itself.

I’d keep having regular smears as per your schedule for the hpv. I understand why you kept the herpes exposure from your partner but I think you do need to find a way to tell him. If you get a flare up down the line of the genital warts what would you tell him?

Dont be too hard on yourself OP. You would do different given the chance I’m sure x

Coffeebeforechaos · 13/08/2025 22:05

My ex lied to me that he had an STI/STD test and all was clear, no issues, before we decided to stop using condoms. I got tested also, all clear.
Turns out he knew for years that he had an STD (genital herpes) and had unprotected sex with me anyway, I contracted it and I will never ever forgive him for it. What makes it worse is that it was about 10 years ago now and to this day I am still plagued by almost constant flare ups despite numerous rounds of suppression treatment that don't seem to do anything for me, and I get such nasty flare ups they arent minor. It affected my birth plan with my DD, affects my current relationship and sex life, ruined my self esteem, I'm in regular pain and discomfort with it. Meanwhile my ex used to get mild flare ups maybe once a year and it hardly affected his life. That part sickens me the most because he had it so minor but knowingly gave it to me with no care or consideration and I am the one plagued by it, they say the flare ups are meant to get less and less frequent with time, that hasn't been the case with me.
His defence was that he was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell me, but that's good enough in my opinion, his embarrassment and shame should have come from knowingly passing it on and not caring whether I contracted it or not. I have had to have the embarrassing conversation with new partners and tell them that I have it, its horrible and not an easy conversation to have but it has to be done, when you have an STD you should never have unprotected sex with someone without letting them know what they are potentially in for. I couldn't do to someone what he did to me. I think you need to tell him the truth before it becomes a bigger lie, and he finds out that you knew all along

JLou08 · 13/08/2025 22:06

Most people will contract HPV. You're overthinking this and being too hard on yourself. He knows you have it now and is happy to continue a relationship.

Original poster
wheresamy · 13/08/2025 22:10

Coffeebeforechaos · 13/08/2025 22:05

My ex lied to me that he had an STI/STD test and all was clear, no issues, before we decided to stop using condoms. I got tested also, all clear.
Turns out he knew for years that he had an STD (genital herpes) and had unprotected sex with me anyway, I contracted it and I will never ever forgive him for it. What makes it worse is that it was about 10 years ago now and to this day I am still plagued by almost constant flare ups despite numerous rounds of suppression treatment that don't seem to do anything for me, and I get such nasty flare ups they arent minor. It affected my birth plan with my DD, affects my current relationship and sex life, ruined my self esteem, I'm in regular pain and discomfort with it. Meanwhile my ex used to get mild flare ups maybe once a year and it hardly affected his life. That part sickens me the most because he had it so minor but knowingly gave it to me with no care or consideration and I am the one plagued by it, they say the flare ups are meant to get less and less frequent with time, that hasn't been the case with me.
His defence was that he was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell me, but that's good enough in my opinion, his embarrassment and shame should have come from knowingly passing it on and not caring whether I contracted it or not. I have had to have the embarrassing conversation with new partners and tell them that I have it, its horrible and not an easy conversation to have but it has to be done, when you have an STD you should never have unprotected sex with someone without letting them know what they are potentially in for. I couldn't do to someone what he did to me. I think you need to tell him the truth before it becomes a bigger lie, and he finds out that you knew all along

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

I don’t even know what to say. I honestly feel so ashamed. I haven’t spoken to him much this evening as I can’t pretend.

I’m suppose to be seeing him on Friday, but I think I will go to his house tomorrow after work and tell him. I will be devastated if he leaves me, but I won’t blame him if he does.

OP posts:
CandleRigg89 · 13/08/2025 22:11

HPV is incredibly common, and it’s also plastered across the letters you get that this is NOT a big deal, the body will more than likely clear it by itself, and the vast majority of people have and clear the virus with no incidence.

I had a HPV positive test (randomly after giving birth and being married and entirely monogamous for years - also common to have a small detectable ‘flare’ after things pregnancy, and it was suppressed by my immune system within 6 months because I paid for a private test and it was negative) and literally my husband read the letter and was like, oh right, seems like a non-issue, and he literally just, forgot about it.

The lying is bad, but not mentioning you tested positive for HPV via a smear test is not akin to assault. Literally it’s only the last 5 years in Scotland you’d even have found out - before it would have been ‘abnormal cells, come back in 6 months’ and no one would have even contemplated a disclosure.

When you decided to tell him though, you shouldn’t have lied. That’s the part that’s the issue - not the smear test, but the lying when he asked you a direct question about it.

But I suspect many people would genuinely not even think to mention this 8 months into the 12 month cycle when they’ve forgotten all about it until the letter pops through.