Lied to boyfriend about STD. I feel have so much guilt

[wheresamy]

I initially posted this on the relationships board but only 1 person replied. I know there’s more traffic here.

I’m probably going to get some nasty comments, and honestly I can’t blame anyone if they do. I’m 31 now, but back in my early 20s, I had unprotected sex with someone who gave me HPV. I ended up with genital warts, had them removed, and had one flare up a year later, but since then it’s been clear for at least 7-8 years. I haven’t had sex in over 5 years, so I haven’t had to discuss this with anyone.

Recently, I had a smear test, and they found HPV in my sample so I need to go back for another test in 12 months. About two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend, and I didn’t tell him. I didn’t mention it because HPV is so common, and I haven’t had a flare up in a long time.

It’s been weighing on me though. I’ve felt so guilty, so I decided to tell him today. I didn’t mention the warts, just talked about the recent smear test. He asked if I knew about it before we met, and I lied and said no. He was so lovely about it, saying it was okay, that I couldn’t have known and it was just a freak accident. He even said he wouldn’t mind if he got it since it’s very common, but still, I lied.

I feel awful with guilt, and I’m not sure how to move forward knowing I’ve lied. I’m head over heels in love with this man, and I know he might leave me if I tell him the truth, but I’m not sure I can keep going like this. I don’t think he will ever trust or look at me the same way again if I tell him. The crazy thing is I believe he would have stayed with me even if I had been honest. Now, I think he might leave because I lied. I’m so angry at myself.

I’m suppose to see him on the weekend and I’m not sure if I can look him in the eye. What do I do

“which has serious, potentially life threatening consequences for the person infected.”

THIS BIT MEANS HIV. Jesus Christ you’re embarrassing yourself.

I'd let her carry on.

It's good to see where our gaps in knowledge are as a society (frightening too when it's paired with arrogance)

Do you know, this thread has been an eye opener for me : I honestly and truthfully had absolutely no idea that grown and educated women were so dangerously misinformed about HPV....

I honestly don’t see how you could have learned anything as there’s so much contradictory and false information 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Same actually. I bumble through life assuming a baseline of intelligence and then threads like this remind me I’m overestimating around half of the population 🤦🏼‍♀️

I wonder if the self proclaimed sexual health experts on this thread revving up for a good moral judgement kicking know there’s a good chance they’ve had HPV themselves and not known so passed it on. Or had sex even with a condom and been exposed to it.

The biggest concern @wheresamy is that you had unprotected sex with someone you barely knew, whatever he might be now. If neither of you did an STI screening before that, it’s likely you both have form for unprotected sex with people whose history you don’t know, so the chances of him already having or having had an STI including HPV is pretty high.

Indeed. Cancer risks are far greater from second hand smoking (yes, even if you are outside in the smokey area at a pub), drinking alcohol (even within normal limits), and air pollution due to increased ownership of SUVs. Yet, strangely, everyone gets far stressed about HPV than any of these.

Okay my screenshot is taking ages to clear, so here’s the NHS link stating it is HPV NOT HSV that causes warts.

Quote:
Genital warts are caused by the human papillomavirus (HPV). The virus can be passed on even when there are no visible warts.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-warts/

You say you are head over heels in love with this person but you aren't in my eyes, because to me I don't see how you can knowingly put someone you love in potential harms way or essentially make healthy decisions for him. Or lie. I think it's this point that disturbs me more than the virus itself. He will most likely just clear it. But I wouldn't want someone to love me in the way you appear to love him.

Well you can find it odd. I don't really care. I'm allowed to feel a certain way you know

HIV is not criminalised. Stop with your misinformation. It's not even a legal obligation to disclose your HIV status.

Any STI that causes actual harm even if not permanent can be prosecuted. Hope no one ever comes near your office after their rapist gets off with it but they passed on an sti which can also be prosecuted.

Can’t comment on Scotland but no one is being criminally charged in other parts of the UK for passing on HPV. It’s too challenging and complex to prove and therefore not in the public to interest to prosecute. Vanishingly unlikely also as a civil suit for the same reasons. If it were HIV then that may have a higher rate of success but is still challenging. Suing people is incredibly costly and HPV would be too complex to prove as it’s so common so they couldn’t prove reasonably that she was the one to give it him because so many people are exposed to it and there is no way of knowing if he already had/got it before hand.

He would also have to actually contract it first and prove it had caused irreparable or significant damage to his life. No credible solicitor would touch a case like this with a ten foot barge pole and the lad would be thousands out of pocket before he drew breath.

By the way, it’s offence not offense. If you’re going to be a knob and scaremonger needlessly, at least learn to spell the point you’re massively reaching for properly, eh?

HPV does not always equal genital warts. I have tested positive for HPV before. I've never had genital warts and honestly don't think it should be called an STI as the vast majority of people have had it and never know they've had it. The HPV at smear tests is nothing to do with warts. Most people are having sex not knowing they have it. It also passes on through any skin to skin contact, not just sex. You should we wearing a condom with new sexual partners anyway, but I truly don't feel you need to tell everyone you if you've once had a positive HPV smear.

Herpes is a completely different virus. You should tell all sexual partners about Herpes, as you have it for life, and it can still be transmissible even without the sores.

I’m assuming they’ve learned that HPV causes warts and that herpes (HSV) does not… a worrying amount of people on this thread are getting it wrong. For this reason, I think the thread should stay but up to OP too of course.

It's HPV, it's incredibly common, and he chose not to use a condom. This is not great but your guilt is disproportionate to the crime. He is complicit by not having used protection!

Please stop this.

A dormant virus does not mean a person cannot have unprotected sex FFS. I just can't even go into now, it's hurting my head !

You really think people that had genital warts can never again have sex without a condom ?

I'll tell you what will blow your mind : wait for this : HIV +ve people can also have unprotected sex on days that their viral load is undetectable. Did you know that ?

And don't come on here clearing the room with an NHS screenshot like it's some massive breakthrough that genital warts is a strain of HPV. It's been stated since page 1!

HPV causes cancer. You think that's not life threatening?

You claim to work in law, you're not a solicitor.

What are you even talking about?!?!!!!!????

Reckless exposure of HIV is a criminal act. Not disclosing a controlled HIV infection is not.

I’m so very confused about what point you think you’re making?

Equally she’s learned HPV is sexual assault, but also not. You need to use condoms, but you also don’t. It’s something to be ashamed of, and it’s also not. Most of the population have it, but then most don’t 🤷‍♀️ I’d genuinely love to know how she (and others) are supposed to work out fact from fiction on this thread 🤷‍♀️

Well best op goes to all the people she's slept with then and see if they in fact passed it on to her ? Perhaps her new fella has it too (good possibility) how much court time were you planning on wasting exactly?

Epstein Barr virus causes cancer. Second hand smoke causes cancer. Alcohol causes cancer. Processed ham causes cancer.

Shall we criminalise them all? Take subway to court for not disclosing their carcinogens before you eat your BLT? How about a Tesco Meal Deal? They’ve not disclosed it either! Or when a 5 year old sneezes on you and gives you Epstein Barr which becomes lymphoma - shall we prosecute them too?

Do you see how insane you sound?

I’m not sure why me sharing a link to the NHS website has caused your outrage given I have literally said the same thing as you… that HPV is the virus that causes warts, not HSV as many people have been saying incorrectly. Sharing to help educate since yes, it might have been stated multiple times but so many people are still getting it wrong.

of course people have unprotected sex, they can do what they want. Nothing about sexual health blows my mind, it’s an area I have worked in lol. I believe everyone should practice safe sex but that does look different depending on your personal relationship of course. Personally I wouldn’t ever have sex without a condom unless trying to conceive given the amount of cheating I see going on but each to our own!

ETA: I also am a huge believer in demystifying and reducing shame around STDs. Education is the way here.

Both spellings are correct, one is just American. My autism thanks your ableist comment.

The point remains factual. Whether a solicitor would take the case or not, there is no definition stating that only HIV transmission can be prosecuted.

Same. Lovely bit of stigma now ressurected for people living with HIV...

Perhaps we should just tell them all to wear a placard with "leper" above their head.

Scrap that : it seems that everyone who's ever had an STI in their life that's cleared should all wear placards with "leper" on.

Sorry, I think I didn't read fully and thought you were a different poster. Apologies to you 💐