Lied to boyfriend about STD. I feel have so much guilt

[wheresamy]

I initially posted this on the relationships board but only 1 person replied. I know there’s more traffic here.

I’m probably going to get some nasty comments, and honestly I can’t blame anyone if they do. I’m 31 now, but back in my early 20s, I had unprotected sex with someone who gave me HPV. I ended up with genital warts, had them removed, and had one flare up a year later, but since then it’s been clear for at least 7-8 years. I haven’t had sex in over 5 years, so I haven’t had to discuss this with anyone.

Recently, I had a smear test, and they found HPV in my sample so I need to go back for another test in 12 months. About two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend, and I didn’t tell him. I didn’t mention it because HPV is so common, and I haven’t had a flare up in a long time.

It’s been weighing on me though. I’ve felt so guilty, so I decided to tell him today. I didn’t mention the warts, just talked about the recent smear test. He asked if I knew about it before we met, and I lied and said no. He was so lovely about it, saying it was okay, that I couldn’t have known and it was just a freak accident. He even said he wouldn’t mind if he got it since it’s very common, but still, I lied.

I feel awful with guilt, and I’m not sure how to move forward knowing I’ve lied. I’m head over heels in love with this man, and I know he might leave me if I tell him the truth, but I’m not sure I can keep going like this. I don’t think he will ever trust or look at me the same way again if I tell him. The crazy thing is I believe he would have stayed with me even if I had been honest. Now, I think he might leave because I lied. I’m so angry at myself.

I’m suppose to see him on the weekend and I’m not sure if I can look him in the eye. What do I do

Loads of people have this or had it years ago.
I think it stays in your system forever so I wouldn’t have expected you to tell him about that, however you had a recent flare up so should have been on your mind.

Unprotected sex though, that part is absolutely shocking to me. You need to have a talk with yourself about this. How is this going on at all?

I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t have at least insisted on using protection. It’s not like it would have been an unusual request to make to a new partner.

You have to chill. You’ve not given him genital herpes, you’ve maybe given him a very common virus that his immune system will clear in a few of months. You may not even have it anymore. You have to stop overthinking this. You’ve told him you may have HPV, you shouldn’t have lied about the timing when he asked but you did, but it wouldn’t have changed anything anyway. You are fine and he is also fine.

She is absolutely not fine to be having unprotected sex! That’s completely CRAZY.

CRAZY

Bless your heart ❤️

Please don't beat yourself up and call it 'disgusting' (HPV is I believe now, the most common STD) more people have had genital warts than you'd ever know. It's terribly embarrassing for the sufferer but it's not "disgusting". Condoms can't always prevent transmission either, so no blame game.

Before anyone makes you feel like shit and jumps on you :

HPV that may cause cervical cancer and detected at smears is NOT the strain of HPV that causes genital warts.

Therefore the past genital warts and the HPV on the smear are two different things.

If it's years since the GW episode and you've no symptoms the chance of transmission is negligible.

Warts isnt the same so you didnt know after all

As a child born in the 60's, active in the 80's before HIV, the only thing that worried me about casual sex was Pregnancy and Herpes

So went on the pill to counter the worry of pregnancy , but Herpes was always a fear, and this was back in the day when bareback was the norm

My generation didn't wise up about safe sex until HIV and that was 40 odd years ago

I can not believe that people in this day and age are dicing with known health risks

This is not a big deal. They don't even test men for HPV.
Forget about it, your body has probably cleared it by now.

No, I know. There’s no excuse. It was really fucking stupid. It’s clear I’ve not been sensible or responsible about protecting my sexual health or anyone else’s. I wouldn’t be in this situation if I were.

You do realise that condoms don’t protect against HPV, right? That’s why literally 90% of the population contact some strain of it. It’s in the mucus membranes and in the skin. We just swab the cervix but if you swabbed other areas it would likely be there too.

HPV not HIV

@SquishedMallow thank you so much for your kind comment. I just can’t shake this feeling of guilt for lying to him. X

@CandleRigg89 Yes, I don’t think it’s necessarily about the STD now, but more about the dishonesty and the fact I lied when he asked if I knew beforehand. What on earth was I suppose to say “yes I knew, but I was too embarrassed to tell you so I just had sex with you any way and took that choice away from you” it’s awful

Hang on, it’s my understanding that the type of HPV that causes warts is type 6 or 11 - but the smear test only tests for HPV type 16 and 18. So the HPV infection that you have now, is different to the one that caused the warts. You have still knowingly infected him with HPV, but not the type of HPV that should cause him to develop genital warts.

It’s important that he knows (as he now does), as he will need to use protection with any other women that he sleeps with due to the cervical cancer risk. But it is exceedingly common. Most of my friends have had a positive HPV result from a smear!

From my understanding the strains of HPV that causes genitals warts are considered very low-risk and do not typically cause cervical cancer. The smear tests also don’t typically detect the HPV strains that cause genital warts. It’s incredibly unlikely that the strain they’ve picked up on is the same as you had years ago. Unless you’re immunocompromised most people’s immune systems fight off their genital warts HPV strain within two years. Don’t panic, just be honest with him that your recent smear test came back with HPV, it’s really not a huge deal as 80%-90% of people are exposed to HPV during their lifetime which is why it isn’t included on routine STI tests. The chances of you passing on genital warts to him is so minimal, probably zero.

You need to ignore the vipers who are coming for you with little to no knowledge just to be spiteful.

But you didn't know my lovely!!!

You knew that you once had genital warts. That's cleared up. (Laying dormant in your system with no symptoms i.e warts does not mean you can't have unprotected sex forever !!)

You didn't know you had HPV on your smear test. They're not linked. They don't test for (I believe it's strains 8&11 that cause genital warts) they only test for the types of HPV that may cause cancer.

If you really want to tell him you had GW once you can. But I don't see the point. These two things you are talking of are not related. Please stop beating yourself up op.

Unfortunately you'll get responses from people who aren't educated in this area and won't understand (I do understand and what I'm telling you is the truth )

I’m really confused. I thought HPV was what they looked for in smear tests and it was just random abnormal cells that formed naturally? I had it a few years ago on my smear and I had to go back for another test where they decided they didn’t have to do anything further. This thread is telling me I have an untreated sti? I’m pregnant so obviously haven’t used protection with DP for a couple of years. Do we need to go get checked? Before him the only person I didn’t use a condom with was an ex where we were both each others first so we just used the pill.

Really saddening to see the misinformation on this thread.

Now thanks to some posters, everyone who gets a positive HPV on their smear will now all be suffering from mental health problems thinking they have genital warts and they or there partner must have been unfaithful...

You definitely need to stop having unprotected sex. And stop beating yourself up. You have done the right thing and told him. Yes it should have been before but it is done now. Look after yourself going forward

I don't know whether you have done this very soon after finding out about the HPV infection, or a long time, but the only way out of it I think would be to say you didn't fully understand HPV, had sex with him, then did reading about it, and understand what it is now and the stupidity of your mistake.

I'm being gracious in suggesting that option and think if you really knew you shouldnt be doing it, you should reflect on why you did it and what made you have complete disregard for him.

At first I thought you were going to say you had it in your 20’s and clear since but felt guilty (which you’d have no need as your body does clear the virus eventually). But to have had a recent positive test for it…. 😬 that’s not good at all.

And the thing is he probably wouldn’t have minded waiting it out with you if you’d been honest with him.

I was given HPV by someone who did something similar. He knew he had “something” up but didn’t protect me. I was angry.

How do you know he doesn't have anything 100% more disruptive than HPV? It's a bit silly of both of you to have unprotected sex. It's not all on you.

Get the condoms out and both of you get a screen in.

You've told him now. You should've used condoms and told him sooner. But it's done now.

He knows you have it so can proceed from there. There's a chance he might have it already before he slept with you as some people show no symptoms ever. Just don't tell any more lies. But there's no point in beating yourself up about it. You feel awful so just be honest from now on.

It is Human Papilloma Virus, aka the genital wart virus. It can cause the presence of warts, and it can cause changes in cells which can progress into cancer. It is passed on through sexual contact.

Generally the body does clear it but it’s possible to have recurrences. You will have contracted this from a sexual partner.

It’s supposedly the main cause of cervical cancer which is why they changed the Pap smear test to just be a HPV test. If you’re negative for HPV they consider your risk so low that they don’t bother with further testing. If you’re positive they’ll do a proper Pap smear and check your cervical cells for changes.