Lied to boyfriend about STD. I feel have so much guilt

[wheresamy]

I initially posted this on the relationships board but only 1 person replied. I know there’s more traffic here.

I’m probably going to get some nasty comments, and honestly I can’t blame anyone if they do. I’m 31 now, but back in my early 20s, I had unprotected sex with someone who gave me HPV. I ended up with genital warts, had them removed, and had one flare up a year later, but since then it’s been clear for at least 7-8 years. I haven’t had sex in over 5 years, so I haven’t had to discuss this with anyone.

Recently, I had a smear test, and they found HPV in my sample so I need to go back for another test in 12 months. About two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend, and I didn’t tell him. I didn’t mention it because HPV is so common, and I haven’t had a flare up in a long time.

It’s been weighing on me though. I’ve felt so guilty, so I decided to tell him today. I didn’t mention the warts, just talked about the recent smear test. He asked if I knew about it before we met, and I lied and said no. He was so lovely about it, saying it was okay, that I couldn’t have known and it was just a freak accident. He even said he wouldn’t mind if he got it since it’s very common, but still, I lied.

I feel awful with guilt, and I’m not sure how to move forward knowing I’ve lied. I’m head over heels in love with this man, and I know he might leave me if I tell him the truth, but I’m not sure I can keep going like this. I don’t think he will ever trust or look at me the same way again if I tell him. The crazy thing is I believe he would have stayed with me even if I had been honest. Now, I think he might leave because I lied. I’m so angry at myself.

I’m suppose to see him on the weekend and I’m not sure if I can look him in the eye. What do I do

Op, have you even read the replies here??

Dear lord. Do you know what makes someone a criminal? It’s a conviction. Do you know how many people have been convicted of spreading HPV in the UK? None.

Most people will get HPV at some point in their lives, they reckon around 80%. If spreading HPV is a criminal offence, and the spread of HPV is very common, wouldn’t you expect to see hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of convictions?

When you discuss it Op please read this and advise him to

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/human-papilloma-virus-hpv/

Honestly HPV is sadly so easily contracted most people will have had it at some point in life and never known. As the NHS site clearly states most people clear the virus in a couple years and never get symptoms. The warts you had will almost certainly be a totally different strain and infection to the HPV you have now that is linked with abnormal changes in cells in the cervix. The very reason a very expensive vaccine programme was rolled out was because it is so common the costs of a programme are justified to reduce risks of cervical cancer. The vaccination programme will not protect against all the strains though. Most strains are not a concern at all!

Ignore the crazy posters trying to ring the police and trying to liken it to assault. I suspect most of them are wearing tin foil hats…

Doesnt pretty much everyone have HPV? Most people can clear it themselves without treatment. Warts are worse though, so if they can theoretically come back, you should tell him.

ususally the opposite bunch of what you call “tin foil hats” are the ones getting hysterical like this …

I’ve not read past the first few pages because it filled up quickly. Sometimes when we “confess” something it is to remove the guilt from ourselves but all this does is pass the upset onto someone we care about. We do it thinking it is because we owe them the explanation but in some cases it is inadvertently selfish because it makes us feel better and not them. Reflect on the guilt you feel and weigh it up with what you’ve learned and how you would act going forward and then compare to the hurt he would feel in comparison to your relief. If you didn’t tell him overtime your guilt would go and he wouldn’t lose trust in you, and you know that you feel awful currently so you wouldn’t do it again.

I agree.

I don't think you should tell him op.

I think you are going to freak him out unnecessarily. He has almost certainly been exposed to HPV already, we all have. He may well have exposed you to a new strain - he wouldn't know. There is a lot of misinformation on this thread, please make sure you read up on HPV before you decide what to do.

yes. When I met my husband I had just been given the all clear a couple of months earlier about my hpv. I had gotten teo positive two years earlier (1 positive then after 6 months another one so was referred for colposcopy, they wouldn’t proceed with anything, it was to check the cervix with that special lens -nothing no cellular change) and then a negative and again a negative.

it was the non external type. (no warts)
By the way for all the people reading that’s good distinction here:

the external type of HPV (visible warts, not attributed to cause cancer)

the internal type of HPV ( no symptoms, just a positive test)

I was warned it stays dormant in our bodies and a positive result might come again even if I don’t go on and have any sex the next year (I was supposed to have one smear test every 12 months after the 2 negatives), that would again be rechecked if needed with the special lens. Got advicef about not smoking, not stressing and lead a healthy life and support the immune system. I got vit d as much as I could (sunshine), made a freshly squeezed juice every day, stoped even occasionally smoking.

then I met my husband, I didn’t disclose it.
I had asked that question and as I said in previous post I was advised from a docto, that since men not really get tested routinely we can’t know for sure that it’s not them who gave us a new type when we meet them even if we just do some touching, rubbing and not full on sex, so from the early stages of a relationship perhaps or from the first time just from the foreplay etc.

Indeed 6 months into our relationship I got some discomfort and I was worried, did a test it was negative. It’s all been negative ever since.

supposedly I have passed what I had to my husband and maybe he passed something too if the 90% of the population have at least one of the 100 types of HPV but nothing ever picked up at the tests I do every 2-3 years now.

Something else OP: I feel you’re too excited too soon and you kind of feel like a freak whereas he’s “pure” and perfect or something. Chill a bit because you might get a big disappointment. Dont appear so guilty to him …

How many stories of women that found out later that during the first weeks of a relationship the man was playing around with one more or more woman, usually an ex or a friends with benefits…?

why couldn’t he put a condom on, so early in the relationship?

if I were you I’d do a sti test. And keep some cards to your chest.

Thank you. I had a chat and a bit of a cry on the phone with an advisor from the sexual health line this morning and she’s advised both of us to get tested just in case but said there’s nothing to worry about.

He said to me yesterday “thank you telling me straight away” and I just keep playing it over and over in my head.

HPV is not Herpes, educate yourself.
HVS is Herpes.

I genuinely think this thread should be taken down. There’s misinformation just keeps on going 🤷‍♀️

HPV is NOT Herpes.

Men can’t get tested for HPV through the NHS? Do you mean get tested for a full STI screen? That doesn’t include HPV though.

Well I doubt he would've had the jab as they only started giving it to boys in Sept 2019. My 21 year old didn't get it

You’re a GP and you’re continuing the stigma against genital herpes? 😲

Wow. Honestly gobsmacked. I’d really hope as a health professional you’d be helping people realise this is common, and is just a skin condition. Many people have it and don’t even know or have any flare ups.

Naturally no one wants to catch it if they can help it, but it should have absolutely no further stigma than HPV does. It’s completely harmless unlike HPV.

Do you give the same stigma to people wandering round with it on their face? Or are those people fine?

I guarantee that the biggest fear of anyone who has genital herpes is opinions like yours (and related rejection), not the pain or flare ups.

Educate yourself and stop spreading misinformation.

I didnt mention the jab, I mentioned your ignorance.

Next you'll be telling me that a not guilty verdict means they didn't do it.

FYI

The first conviction was in 2003, Muhammed Dica. For spreading HIV. It's the same charge for any other STD.

SECTION 18 of the Offences Against The Person's Act.

But HIV is NOT comparable to HPV, which is a common virus the majority of the population has, has had, will have.

Sorry but who actually cares

The question was not whether it is criminal. And I think we can all agree that even if it was a conviction would be highly unlikely

Let it be

@Chiseltip If you don’t possess the critical thinking skills to differentiate between HIV & HPV I don’t think you should be bringing your ‘wisdom’ to threads like this.

It’s comparable to a friend stealing one of your quavers and you calling her a criminal while referring to theft convictions. Utterly ridiculous.

Probably, meaning you don’t know, to assume most people have it, l don’t.Anyway you’re missing the point if you know you have it, why wouldn’t you tell the person you’re having a relationship with.This isn’t just about hpv, it’s also about op had genital warts, yes they were removed hasn’t had a flare up for years, but it’s well known they can come back even after treatment because the virus can remain in the body and can become active anytime.Also op knowing this, had unprotected sex.

HPV is very common, if you recieved a leaflet with your smear letter it should explain that it is not a STD, and everyone can have it. I had it a couple of years ago with no abnormal cells, I had 2 yearly smears after that and tested negative for it. Please don't beat yourself up too much over this!