DH to take on job further away. Worried about coping with DC etc alone. Anyone done it. Tips?

[CoralSea]

Not really an aibu but more looking for reassurance and tips.

DH was made redundant a little while ago and struggled to find a job locally so he looked further away. He is middle aged and the job market is crap but found a decent job about 4h from where we live for a decent salary. took ages though. He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

I will stay behind. We have 3 DSs, one is starting A-levels, and the two younger ones have complex needs with EHCPs and places in special schools which we fought hard for - so uprooting them isn't an option and I would struggle to find work (I have been with my current employer for many years and have shed loads of flexibility - nobody else would take me on). I have no support network and family and I really worry I will struggle and not cope on my own. On the plus side, DH has a job and we secured a full time salary (even though outgoings will go up with having to maintain 2 homes).

Anyone done that. can this work? any tips regarding practicalities. I don't really know what I am asking for but it's a huge change.

I can’t see how the economics of this can possibly be worth it if he’s having to rent another property full time tbh.

Sorry no real advice other than plan everything and stick to a regimented timetable (which you likely already do).

I am assuming your DH isn't able to work from home any days?

I understand wanting to stay away m-f but not coming home every weekend seems a bit off?

His pay is very good there. rents are low. There will be plenty of money left over. The alternative is no job and no income. He really tried locally and got nowhere.

I suppose we will see how it all works out. We never had to do anything like it. I really hope he is back most weekends and I cannot cope with the 2 younger ones with complex needs solo day in day out.

there may be some scope but not regular

Why is he saying he's only going to come back "most" weekends? 4 hours isn't that far away and I don't think it's sustainable long term unless he's prepared to travel back at least every weekend.

Is there no way he can wfh at least some of the time? My husband's job is 4 hours away and the only reason it works is because he comes back every single weekend without fail. It is absolutely not fair for yours to essentially opt out of parenting all week long and some of the weekends too. If the money is that good then maybe it's worth you cutting down your hours too?

I agree. He needs to come home and do his fair share of caring for his family rather than pick and choose and claim his extra leisure time. That would be massively unfair on you and I don't think any relationship would survive it.

I would hope he comes back every weekend.
I know someone who did this years ago - rented a room as a lodger Mon - Fri but was with his family at the weekend. After work on a Friday he would drive home and he would leave early Monday morning.

If he is around at weekends I would use this time to stock up the freezer with meals you can defrost during the week.
I would do online shops for convenience.

As with others, why on earth wouldn't he be driving him every Friday night?

Any possibility of working from home Monday/Friday so he is away less?

I’m going to sound really negative here but I think this will be a huge pressure on your marriage, looking after 3 kids on your own whilst your DH is living in a separate home 4 hours away you will definitely end up resenting him especially in the evenings when you’re solo parenting and he’s going back to a nice relaxed home or out with new friends etc.

Whats the deal with “most weekends” why not all.

Seems a bad move to me, 2 kids who have complex needs, a wife who will most likely struggle with no family help. Paying for 2 homes. Crazy idea if you ask me

Working from home friday and coming home thursday night should be his goal.
It would make a huge difference.
Get a cleaner if you don't have one.
Seek out someone for babysitting that could be back up for you.

Would he not take a lodging room somewhere, much cheaper I would think?

This is a huge sole load to carry with work too.
You need to protect your health.
His will be fine, but yours could really suffer.

Those saying that he needs to come home every weekend have it here. He may use the excuse of travelling so far being tiring, but it will not be as tiring as you doing everything at home alone.

He will also have Monday-Thursday evenings as free time, which you will not. Don't let yourself get totally shafted here.

I would worry that this could end your marriage. It seems like he is already planning to check out of parenting by saying that he will not be coming home every weekend. It sounds like it will be a massive increase in workload for you.

Honestly he is better lodging somewhere, then see if he can get Fri as a working at home, work at the lodgings and drive back mid-afternoon assuming he can get the WFH compressed to leave early.

Totally get he needs to work and understand the job market is very difficult right now. But I would expect him at the earliest opportunity to find a way to ensure he is home every single weekend to support you and your family.

DH did it for a bit when he got offered a very lucrative contract, I wasn't working though and although DC were 10 and 6 they were pretty easy.
He used to leave very early Monday morning, come home Thursday eve and WFH on Fridays. Coming home "most" weekends was not an option, he came home ALL weekends

Been doing it for four years now. 9 more months to go and then he's moving to a lot closer location.

I'm not going to lie. I'm exhausted during the week. All the thinking for the children is me. I do all the housework. DH does all the online stuff... bills, insurance, holidays etc. He gets home Thursday nights mostly (unless he's travelling, then either leaves 5am Monday or on Sunday evening.

The big thing for is is as both accepting the other is tired... him from the commute, me from doing everything in the week.

I hate to say this, but without strong nearby family/community support, I think this is going to be unsustainable for you, especially given that your husband isn't guaranteeing coming home on the weekends. The community support is what helps military wives handle long deployments as a basically single parent.

You have 2 kids with complex medical needs and care. You have another with a stressful school period coming up. You will be single parenting. Every single little thing will come down to you dealing with it. Transportation, appointments, therapies, school, food, and what if you get sick? Or your vehicle breaks down? And you're working on top of all that. There will be outgoings from trying to keep up 2 residences.

You say you have zero local support. I think you're going to burn out sooner rather than later with this setup.

No chance! He gets to live the life of a single man every evening and only 'might' come back at the weekend? Seriously?
He gets lodgings Mon - Fri, he comes home straight after work on Friday and leaves after tea on Sunday (or even Monday morning). Weekends, at least one day he takes over the parenting.
The only 'tiring' thing is a long drive twice a week, all that free time relaxing after work in the week means he should be more than ready to take the reins once he's home.
Give it a go for 3 months and then re-visit.

DH’s office is about 3.5 hours away. He is there 3 days a week so 2 nights. I work hybrid FT in a demanding job and we have children although without additional needs.

He should absolutely be having conversations with his workplace about working 1-2 days a week at home and being there less than 5 days, assuming this is not a job that has no workaround for being in person for fixed hours.

In DH’s office a number of people also don’t live locally so there is a general understanding of flexibility of being there at core 10-4 and starting early or finishing late around that as works on the days of travel.

At a minimum he needs to be coming home weekly assuming there aren’t weekend shifts he is required to cover.

Given you will need to do a lot more on the ground make sure he takes on plenty of admin stuff that can be done anywhere.

There is no babysitting service for children like mine :(

Your mental health is going to be in the ground if he takes this job

Is there any respite services in your area?
If he is earning a lot more (enough to fund a rental) then surely he could pay privately for an external provision?