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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH to take on job further away. Worried about coping with DC etc alone. Anyone done it. Tips?

251 replies

CoralSea · 12/08/2025 14:25

Not really an aibu but more looking for reassurance and tips.

DH was made redundant a little while ago and struggled to find a job locally so he looked further away. He is middle aged and the job market is crap but found a decent job about 4h from where we live for a decent salary. took ages though. He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

I will stay behind. We have 3 DSs, one is starting A-levels, and the two younger ones have complex needs with EHCPs and places in special schools which we fought hard for - so uprooting them isn't an option and I would struggle to find work (I have been with my current employer for many years and have shed loads of flexibility - nobody else would take me on). I have no support network and family and I really worry I will struggle and not cope on my own. On the plus side, DH has a job and we secured a full time salary (even though outgoings will go up with having to maintain 2 homes).

Anyone done that. can this work? any tips regarding practicalities. I don't really know what I am asking for but it's a huge change.

OP posts:
Praying4Peace · 13/08/2025 14:23

CoralSea · 12/08/2025 14:30

I suppose we will see how it all works out. We never had to do anything like it. I really hope he is back most weekends and I cannot cope with the 2 younger ones with complex needs solo day in day out.

Show quote history

Your marriage will change and you need to be prepared for that

LongHaul2345 · 13/08/2025 14:30

He's leaving you. Moving 4 hours away, not coming back every weekend etc, he wants out. I'm sorry.

Bigcat25 · 13/08/2025 14:37

I would try to outsource some help, be it a sitter occasionally or a cleaner. Especially on weekends if he can't make it home.

Aimtodobetter · 13/08/2025 14:42

Even if you can’t get paid help that is 100 percent (ie you go out for a couple of hours), surely you can get some paid help that makes a difference and replicates whatever it is your husband did whilst he was there.

outerspacepotato · 13/08/2025 14:46

What do you think your husband would say if you told him you know you're unable to handle the load by yourself and you would be willing to move and uproot the kids?

ForFunGoose · 13/08/2025 14:49

Dh worked 3-4 hours away for years he
never suggested staying away at weekends. When he did come home he rolled up his sleeves and we got the house organised for the following week, shopping,washing,batch cooking,uniforms etc.

It would be non negotiable for both of us that he came home at weekends. He looked after all the household admin too.

It was still very hard at times.

Your days will be much harder given the children’s needs. In your shoes I would move especially as you say the area is cheaper.
The other area may have better services for the children too.

Lampzade · 13/08/2025 14:52

ForFunGoose · 13/08/2025 14:49

Dh worked 3-4 hours away for years he
never suggested staying away at weekends. When he did come home he rolled up his sleeves and we got the house organised for the following week, shopping,washing,batch cooking,uniforms etc.

It would be non negotiable for both of us that he came home at weekends. He looked after all the household admin too.

It was still very hard at times.

Your days will be much harder given the children’s needs. In your shoes I would move especially as you say the area is cheaper.
The other area may have better services for the children too.

Not sure if OP’s dh wants them to move .
After he said that he needs to focus on his new job
Op, suggest to your dh that you all move down to be with him in his new flat
I would be interested in what he says

MOTU · 13/08/2025 15:17

ok we did this for about a year with some key differences - my Childs SEN sounds far less severe and DH did everything possible to be with as much as possible, we would save any remote tasking for Fridays and come home Thursday night if possible, he would leave at 4 am on Mondays so he got the whole weekend with us and he lodged in some chaps spare room so we maximised the financial reward of going through this.....

I think if you are a team, your husband needs to be putting more into this/taking some of the rough of the situation..

seasid · 13/08/2025 15:19

Why can’t you move together? Surely this is not a long term thing. He’s running too homes just so he can work - that’s not a sensible thing to do. Are you sure he’s not having an affair???

Truetoself · 13/08/2025 15:22

I got angry on your behalf reading this. Your DH wants to check out of his family and leave you to it! He needs to commit to making the 4 hour journey every weekend and perhaps during the school holidays, you can go and stay with him?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/08/2025 15:32

If you’re to stay together in any shape or form, you need at the very least a cast iron guarantee that he will be home every weekend - setting off early on Monday morning and coming back late Friday night. No excuses.

Maybe rather than renting “a little place” it might even be cheaper for him to stay in a very basic hotel Mon- Fri (ie four nights per week)? Excluding when he is on annual leave of course, which can all be spent at home.

He can focus on his job fine by doing this on those four nights.

He doesn’t need “a little place” (sorry those words gave me the rage on your behalf) to be in effect his main home. He needs to be fully bought in and on board with your family.

Otherwise he might as well call it what it is - a separation. Edit - and if he does, he can get a bigger place and have the kids with him for the whole of every other weekend.

I suspect he thinks the kids are too much hard work and wants to bail out - I’m so sorry.

And the other thing that is a must is some respite during the week - at the cost of the £90 per week as a minimum and a necessity if you can’t get it funded, not to be seen as a luxury or extra.

FiveBarGate · 13/08/2025 15:35

It sounds like a needs must situation.

Perhaps it would be easier to break it down into chunks. It's always easier to get a job from a job and presumably this new role will provide new experience and make your husband more employable?

So perhaps start off considering this a year long arrangement and see how you go?

Within that office based is to be expected to start with and he'll be needing to make a good impression so the first 12 weeks are likely to be hard on you.

It's currently still good weather/lighter nights so he will have to suck up travelling after perhaps week one. Because if he doesn't do it now it will get worse through winter.

Once he is settled in the role he needs to start looking into flexible working arrangements. Can he WFH on a Friday or if not go in extra early on the other days given that he only has himself to get ready and will be close to the office. That should free up commuting time.

Plan in annual leave to give you a break. It may be that he has to use it as smaller chunks rather than in whole weeks..

I'm sure you will get into a routine. Not saying that will be easy but you will adapt.

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 13/08/2025 15:52

Honestly OP, you sound depressed and like you’ve given up.

Now I know somewhere inside there is a strong person because the battles you must have fought for your children will have been hard. You have GOT to stand up for yourself here. He is either absolutely taking the piss and not thinking of anyone but himself, or he is doing this deliberately as he wants out of family life but doesn’t have the guts to say it - and I think you need to be prepared for the latter.

It is utterly unacceptable for him to do anything other than come home every weekend. I do understand the taking the job situation as we had similar after dh was made redundant. He got a new job after 9 months that meant he was away 4 days a week but he came home every weekend and wfh one day a week. ‘Some weekends and Easter and Christmas’ is beyond belief.

Liveafr · 13/08/2025 15:58

I'm sorry OP, with each of your updates it sounds more and more like he's quietly leaving you without effectively doing so. Which is so unfair as you don't get the emotional closure and financial compensation of a proper separation (not to mention if you eventually leave him, you will be the bad guy not supporting him...) I don't have advice, just think you should start preparing yourself. Big hugs

Pinkstuffs · 13/08/2025 16:06

If my DH went through with this and didn’t come back every weekend it would be the end of our marriage.

Lurker85 · 13/08/2025 16:07

Either he comes home every Friday or you might as well split up

CantHoldMeDown · 13/08/2025 16:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Skybluepinky · 13/08/2025 16:12

Rent your place out and move to where he is going.

CantHoldMeDown · 13/08/2025 16:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
CoralSea · 13/08/2025 16:13

Skybluepinky · 13/08/2025 16:12

Rent your place out and move to where he is going.

I explained multiple times why I cannot move. It's absolutely not an option.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 13/08/2025 16:13

CoralSea · 12/08/2025 14:30

I suppose we will see how it all works out. We never had to do anything like it. I really hope he is back most weekends and I cannot cope with the 2 younger ones with complex needs solo day in day out.

Show quote history

Why wouldnt he come home every weekend?

Original poster
CoralSea · 13/08/2025 16:16

PinkyFlamingo · 13/08/2025 16:13

Why wouldnt he come home every weekend?

Show quote history

he says he needs to focus on the new job, and needs time to fine and arrange a proper place and he will need time to unwind. I do not agree with this and it's not what we discussed when we accepted the job. But I cannot make him come home if we doesn't want to see us. I'm the end, it doesn't matter as to why. The result will be the same.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 13/08/2025 16:18

Or more importantly why is he saying he can't come home every weekend?

PinkyFlamingo · 13/08/2025 16:19

CoralSea · 13/08/2025 16:16

he says he needs to focus on the new job, and needs time to fine and arrange a proper place and he will need time to unwind. I do not agree with this and it's not what we discussed when we accepted the job. But I cannot make him come home if we doesn't want to see us. I'm the end, it doesn't matter as to why. The result will be the same.

Show quote history

Of course it matters why! This is a disaster waiting to happen for your marriage and he's checking out of family life! He does not need weekends to focus on his job!

Pinklemonade37 · 13/08/2025 16:20

CoralSea · 13/08/2025 16:16

he says he needs to focus on the new job, and needs time to fine and arrange a proper place and he will need time to unwind. I do not agree with this and it's not what we discussed when we accepted the job. But I cannot make him come home if we doesn't want to see us. I'm the end, it doesn't matter as to why. The result will be the same.

Show quote history

That says all you need to know about your marriage. He doesn’t care or respect you