DH to take on job further away. Worried about coping with DC etc alone. Anyone done it. Tips?

[CoralSea]

Not really an aibu but more looking for reassurance and tips.

DH was made redundant a little while ago and struggled to find a job locally so he looked further away. He is middle aged and the job market is crap but found a decent job about 4h from where we live for a decent salary. took ages though. He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

I will stay behind. We have 3 DSs, one is starting A-levels, and the two younger ones have complex needs with EHCPs and places in special schools which we fought hard for - so uprooting them isn't an option and I would struggle to find work (I have been with my current employer for many years and have shed loads of flexibility - nobody else would take me on). I have no support network and family and I really worry I will struggle and not cope on my own. On the plus side, DH has a job and we secured a full time salary (even though outgoings will go up with having to maintain 2 homes).

Anyone done that. can this work? any tips regarding practicalities. I don't really know what I am asking for but it's a huge change.

He needs to come home every single weekend without fail!!

absoljte cheeky fucker, gonna stay up there. Have a lie in, leisurely run, maybe the gym, watch some sport. Have a coffee. Cook something new, watch some telly. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Abso fucking lutely not

We get some respite through social services but only for the eldest with SN, not the younger one. and only 3h per week. I know some agencies do it privately for SN but it starts at almost £30 per hour and it's really not affordable.

The job, I get. But why wouldn’t he be coming home every weekend at the very least? That would be a deal breaker for me in view of your challenging home situation. I’d be saying that if he thinks the journey is too long for once a week at a minimum you need to rethink. Totally unfair that you’d be managing all the house admin, family admin, 2 SEN kids and work while he gets to chill out every evening and weekend.

If he leaves work early on Friday he’d be back by late dinner time, then he could go back Sunday afternoon/ evening. He could probably even do some of the journey on public transport if it makes it easier.

I don’t think it will work.
I am a single parent to 2 dc with complex needs (one more so than the other), I have struggled alone to provide care and work part time, currently I am not working at all. I think having a husband working away would make me feel even worse, knowing he should be helping with the kids but he’s not. Providing financial stability isn’t all he needs to provide, he needs to parent and be a husband, how can he do this whilst rarely at home?

With the new job will it be something to budget for occasionally?

I am in agreement with a lot of what has been said, you are going to be physically and mentally exhausted.

I think he is being very cheeky to suggest he won't be back every weekend.

I think you will need the respite to give yourself a break - also do you ever get chance to do anything with your eldest? Doing their A levels is a tricky time and I imagine your family life is pretty hectic with the younger ones. I doubt it will feel great to them to have their dad disappear for the week either.

I spent 2 years working in Jersey on secondment from my job/home in London. DH stayed at home and I managed to get home every weekend without fail. He needs to commit to coming home every weekend, there’s really no excuse not to.

I did it for 4 years and by the end of it I was struggling emotionally and mentally. This was while I was working, without DC, and with DH coming home on Thursdays or Fridays latest. Luckily his job relocated again and now I have to put up with him WFH 🙄

So @CoralSea I feel for you. DH sounds like he wants to live the life of a single man and shirk his responsibilities as a father and husband. You must insist that he comes home EVERY weekend, otherwise it's a dealbreaker.

There's plenty of spare money but £30ph is too expensive, has he told you this?

My industry is engineering, DH is in IT. With both it’s very common for contractors in particular to come in on Monday mid morning, work long hours through the week and head home at lunch time on Friday. Most travel all over the U.K. so four hours would be seen as a reasonable commute back home.

To maximise the family budget they rent a room, not a whole place, or some use caravans/campers/etc. I know a few who tend to camp in the warmer months.

it’s doable but your DH needs to be committed to protecting time at home as much as possible

We did this (albeit with no SEND children).
It’s hard but do-able if you are both 100% on the same page about it being a team effort.

• all admin jobs that could be done remotely were his responsibility- car insurance, booking things, paying bills, school emails etc. he has the week day evenings to do this
• at the weekend, we both set up for the week ahead. So he did the weekly shop, washed school uniforms and batch cooked as well as me. This meant that it wasn’t all my work during the week, but it also kept him connected to the hum drum of home
• life. Very easy to become completely separate. Likewise, I made sure we talked about his work, too.
• I went to the gym and for a coffee without fail every Saturday morning - your own health (physical and mental) can take a real battering
• we still socialised and did things at the weekend, even if he didn’t particularly fancy it, because otherwise I would have been climbing the walls!
• I had a routine and some ‘easy meals’ etc - basically, I was kind to myself and acknowledged that I couldn’t do everything. I then decided to look at the silver linings - bed to myself, late night baths, my own tv shows etc.

He came home EVERY WEEKEND without fail, though! And genuinely, respect to single parents. So many really are doing this alone.

I find it too much too. It's just not value for money for us and we don't have that much spare. If we wanted 3h per week of so, it would be 90 per week, 360 per month. nobody with a typical child would be expected to pay that much. and it's way above budget.

thanks for all the posts. Seems coming home every weekend seems to be key. Really good to know. Will have a good discussion around it. it's all new for us.

I would be really unimpressed if he wanted to live the life of a single man at the weekends instead of being at home, and would agree that he should try and negotiate to WFH Friday or Monday if he can - or compress hours to start lunchtime Monday/end lunchtime Friday. With no childcare responsibilities he can work long days - you will be working and parenting with little time for yourself so he shouldn't expect a load of time for himself. And of course he needs to be actively jobhunting closer.

Yeah, lm not getting good vibes from this. Feels like he is off leaving you at home to do all of the hard day to day domestic work
He would make it home "some" or "most" weekends?! That's a no from me!

He definitely rents a room and comes home every weekend. Dh did this for quite a few years and he would never have considered not coming home every Friday evening.

It sounds very hard OP. How does your DH think he can support you and the kids from a distance - is there anything he can do?

Renting is madness - surely he can lodge somewhere for weeknights only and save a lot of money on outgoings? It would also be less of a commitment to see if the situation works out, whereas with renting he may need to sign up for at least 6/12 months.

It will only work if he comes back every single weekend. He's there out of necessity, not to build a new life there. He should be home Fri night - Sun late afternoon. Perhaps when he has been there a while he can request compressed hours and do 4 long days to have Mon or Fri at home.

I think you can make it work if you have to, but you will have to make sure DH does what he can (hopefully he will be proactive but if not, tell him your ideas) to support the family. He can rest during the week without family commitments so he should be fully engaged with family at the weekend. Do you think he can do that, so you can step down somewhat at weekends?

Be very deliberate on the weekends. I did this for 18 months, without kids, and it was not easy. With your situation it is even more challenging.

”Most weekends” is vague and can easily lead to frustration. I would set a clear target on every weekend, then go from there.

For us, routine was key, both travel and talks during the week. And it is easy to drift apart if you don’t spend time in the same place.

It would be worth finding out if he can work 3 long days midweek, and then start Monday lunchtime / finish Friday lunchtime. Also, he should rent cheapest option that is comfortable,so you have more money for cleaner/taxis for oldest child's social life/ gym for you both (he can go weekday nights and you can go at the weekend!). I do think he should take the job, as it's always easier to find a new one while you are working!

He needs to be home EVERY weekend.
It is NOT optional.
My husband did a flight for several years.
There was no question that he was home every weekend.
Is he opting out of the marriage?
If so you need to protect yourself.

I think he can look after the children during the weekends for at least one full day so you get a break.

He should:

Get a room in a shared house rather than a whole apartment: even in an area with low rent that will save money.

Travel home every weekend unless unwell. Seek to negotiate an early finish on Fridays and stay until a reasonable time on Sundays

Continue job seeking and applying for roles within commuting distance of home.

If he’s unwilling to do these things I’d worry about his motivation for moving out.

What with his new job?

I think you need to look at finances.
Currently he is suggesting he wants to rent a whole property to himself rather than being a lodger or house share?
Has he considered the bills?

I think you need to look at how much he will be bringing in from this job as so far he will be:
Paying for two houses (mortgage or two lots of rent)
Two water bills (where I live this is very expensive and even on his own it's the basic charges that make it high)
Two gas and electric bills
Petrol money (two cars?)
Phone/internet - will he be having internet installed/connected where he rents?
Council tax X2
Home insurance for your home
Contents insurance for his rental
All other forms of insurance you have (life, breakdown etc)
TV licence
And those are just the essentials I can think of!

What will the budget be for shopping for each home? Does he usually cook?
I can imagine it being very tempting on his own to just think sod it and order a takeaway, especially if you normally cook and a meal awaits him at home.
What does he do of an evening at home? Do you normally sit and chat once kids have settled? Will be be bored/lonely and therefore be more likely to go out in the evenings? Is there money for this? E.g. decides to get a gym membership £30-40 per month. Colleague invites him out for a drink. Joins the pub darts team etc. Will there be money for him to potentially be off socialising, will he be happy to be sitting in at home? How will you feel if he does go out socialising knowing you can't do this?

My cousin's husband did this and ended up having an affair that was hidden for 2 years, because he saw her most evenings. He ended up leaving his job when his affair was discovered and found a local job. They're in a better place now but said living separately made him behave like a single man.

He would need to commit to be on that motorway home asap every Friday the minute he finshed. I'm not sure why he would even consider leaving you to it and not coming home every chance possible.

What would he be doing in his bachelor pad all weekend, putting his feet up and going for peaceful strolls while you were wrangling everything at home solo? Not a chance this will work out unless you get some respite, if it's £30 ph then so be it, that needs to be factored into the feasibility of this decision, and he leans in as much as possible.

Otherwise the relationship will fail under the strain and you'll be solo full time, there are people in this boat who will tell you what that's like.

No. Just no.

My dad worked 4 hours away when I was a teenager. He drove out on Mondays at 4am, stayed overnight, came home on Wednesdays, drove back on Thursdays and then came home on Friday for the weekend. He had a family member in the area so the the overnights there. It was brutal on him but he didn’t want to go a full week away from home.

I think your husband needs to talk to the employer about flexible hours - starting later on Mondays and working until 9pm or something and ending early on Fridays - or compressing to 4 day weeks maybe. There are lots of rules around flexible working requests.

Consider everything you could prioritise to outsource if he’s making good money. Meal delivery, cleaners, mothers help - appreciate actual childcare is tricky but if you’re there and can hire someone to be a second set of hands that might create some space for you.

could you move slightly closer and keep your children in the same schools? Even cutting it down an hour would help.