DH to take on job further away. Worried about coping with DC etc alone. Anyone done it. Tips?

[CoralSea]

Not really an aibu but more looking for reassurance and tips.

DH was made redundant a little while ago and struggled to find a job locally so he looked further away. He is middle aged and the job market is crap but found a decent job about 4h from where we live for a decent salary. took ages though. He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

I will stay behind. We have 3 DSs, one is starting A-levels, and the two younger ones have complex needs with EHCPs and places in special schools which we fought hard for - so uprooting them isn't an option and I would struggle to find work (I have been with my current employer for many years and have shed loads of flexibility - nobody else would take me on). I have no support network and family and I really worry I will struggle and not cope on my own. On the plus side, DH has a job and we secured a full time salary (even though outgoings will go up with having to maintain 2 homes).

Anyone done that. can this work? any tips regarding practicalities. I don't really know what I am asking for but it's a huge change.

Though does he want his own space to be entertaining others?
Surely a room would be cheaper as on his own he will be paying all the bills.
Is this salary really covering the cost of running two households? I know you work part time but as a family of 5 surely there are a lot of costs in your own home, let alone the costs of a second (see my list earlier).

What was his reason for not wanting to come home every weekend? This is still a sticking point.
It's also worrying that you won't have any help. It sounds like your children could become quite ill (the fact they have been hospitalised in the past). Will he immediately rush home to help or will he take the mindset that 'out of sight, out of mind' or even just say it's too far, he is unavailable?

I just noted you worked so you are doing a lot. Do you enjoy your job ? Only ask as if it’s stressful maybe be a SAHM if your husband is going to be away. I think some posters are really giving him a really hard time . He is middle aged not some young bloke.Will probably be knackered after a days work and want a bit of a rest. He is putting his family first by taking a job hours a way and buying a new property with all the hassle that entails. He is not just sitting doing nothing on benefits. Some people really seem to hate men on here and jump to think the worst. I would say give it a chance ?

My parents did this for years but my dad was a lodger rather than having his own place – to spend the least family money on him and leave more in the pot for us to have things to make my mum’s life easier, like a cleaner. Could your DH look into M-F lodging rather than renting full time? Whatever is saved is used to streamline your life in the week: cleaner, robot hoover, meal boxes, laundry service, whatever.

He came home midweek for an overnight to see my mum; and drove home Friday night/back again Monday morning EVERY weekend. Every weekend was non-negotiable but it also didn’t need to be – suggesting “most” or “some” weekends wouldn’t have even occurred!

I agree with this, I don't see how this is sustainable long term, it will end your marriage!
I would say 2 hours away max so he can definitely be home at a decent time every Friday and leave early Monday morning

his job is niche. I have seen the contact. It's not an office based job anyways but one that involves a lot of travel locally. He says he needs to concentrate on the job and can come home some weekends and Xmas/Easter etc. It's not what we initially agreed (that was coming home every weekend) but he is moving the goal posts now. I think it's an opportunity for home to not have to deal with the stresses at home (and some days are really awful with the DC, I am on my knees half of the time) but he will go. I just have to manage somehow.

I am not going to lie. The I was hoping people would say it's fine etc but many of the responses got me very worried). I need to speak to him but doubt this will change much.

Can I force him to take one of the DC if he doesn't want?

It’s probably rather different as DH tended to work in London (either apartments or hotels or sometimes commuting) on and off for about 5 years whilst DC was young. He is in an industry with a lot of consultants contractors working with well paid staff.

Pre-covid (but now it is even more important to check calendars), most would put in long hours 3-4 days/week so that they could have most/all of Friday free. Since DH was staying close to work, it was no big deal to be in the office at 7:30am. Depending on the state of trains/engineering works he’d travel up late on a Sunday or the 5:30am train on a monday morning.

He’d set aside time to video-call each evening/first thing.

I think it is going to be tough for you to cope, but a lit easier if flexible working is a possibility (esp if not every day needs to be in the office).

He is renting a property not buying.
Presumably they need the OP to also continue working, and I imagine for her work might actually be a positive in her life and interaction with adults and a break from the mundane.
It sounds like she does everything relating to the children - she is on call even when working to pick them up, not her partner.
Not sure why you are feeling so sorry for him when he is simply out at work and is now going to have at least 4 nights of no responsibility when he gets home (and is also proposing he also has some weekends off to when he doesn't come home, for no reason!).

This would break me.

He needs to speak to his employer about condensing his hours for sure. With only his own arse to consider after he clocks off he should be pressing for a midday start on Mondays and lunchtime finish on Fridays so he can come home EVERY weekend. He can work early/late Tues/Weds/Thurs and still get downtime those evenings.

You will be solo parenting during the week and part-time parenting with him at weekends. When's your downtime?

No, I don't enjoy working on top of caring for 2 high needs DC and multiple appointments per week. Some people have to work though. I could never afford to be a SAHM. I don't work full time hours though which helps.

Sorry but the more you post the more it sounds like he is seeing this as a trial seperation from the family.
He has each evening to catch up on work and 'concentrate', so him not wanting to come home at weekends to me seems like an excuse and he is opting out of family life.

In some respects when my DH worked away, it was easier for me. There was one less person to consider/cook for and I could completely organise everything my way. It was only temporary though.

In your situation I would be looking to move at some point. Either that, or your DH looks for a job nearer home.

You are in a really uneviable position here. You have no real choice, but can he continue to look for a job locally, even if it is outside his normal line of work, and in the meantime be home every weekend. How old are your younger two and what happens when they reach adulthood i.e. how long do you have to do this for?

This sounds incredibly tough for you. My husband works away from home, albeit we don’t have the additional pressures you have. He comes home every weekend and anything other than that would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. 4 hours is a manageable drive.

He should start with premier inn or Airbnb so that he's booking Monday-Friday and no choice but to come home at the weekend, until he's in the routine of coming home.

From the sounds of your post he's checking out and you need him to be bluntly honest because if he's leaving you need to set yourself up for that with respite and the likes, not be conned by him that it's not for good.

Also do not under estimate the worth in the cost of respite. Yes £360 a month is expensive, but if it's affordable and you're going to be doing everything solo then you may not be able to afford not to do it.

Ah sorry to suggest otherwise. I know someone at work who sees it as time out of dealing with her high needs child and to remind herself she is a functioning adult that can interact with others (she can never go out socially in the evenings - needs to be there for her child, lack of funds).

You say you can't afford to be a SAHM, again you are focusing on you. There doesn't seem to be much of a partnership going on with your husband's decision to effectively move out. He wants to rent his own place as he can't possibly share, you have previously said you can't afford private respite care. Anything that makes a difference to you (staying home, respite) seems to be impossible yet for him he can swan off and rent somewhere private, and not even return at the weekend as he can't concentrate.

I can see why you will need to keep your job as financially I can see you will need all the money you can get when he doesn't come home at all ☹️

Why can't your husband come home each weekend.

The younger two are in specialist schools. It was a long and hard battle to get this in place. I can't move them. I have no energy to start this fights again in a new LA.

I am also not employable. I am just lucky that my employer (with whom I have been since before having DC) rates me and is hugely flexible. There is no way anyone else would touch me with a barge pole with the baggage I come with.

bottom line is, I am stuck. Eldest will be off to uni after A-levels so of a concern

Agree with others Op. Your dh should be looking to lodge somewhere not get a place of his own
I suspect that he just wants to live the life of a bachelor and leave you with all the hard work.
He needs to get his arse home every weekend and do his fair share

‘I would be concerned that he has come up with a plan that allows him to check out of family life the vast majority of the time, to your detriment.’

Absolutely this. It sounds like the early beginnings of a separation to me. He’s already putting in the groundwork (his own place, not committing to coming home every week right from the start). I think this is his first step to removing himself from family life entirely. Except this way he doesn’t need to even have the conversation, he just gets to disappear and live a new life elsewhere under the guise of ‘work’. Surely he could take any job just for extra income? Especially if hundreds a month will be going to his second home. Even if he can rent somewhere for £500 a month, council tax, bills, separate food, petrol money for the extra driving (although not if he doesn’t plan to come home often!) etc will be a grand+ easily. And if he’s such a high earner, how can this be the only opportunity?

I used to work in London with someone who lived in the south of France. They flew in on a Monday morning, and back home on Wednesday or Thursday evening, so WFH a day or two, and had weekends at home. Commute couldn’t have been that much short of 4 hours so I’m not sure I can see any reason for him not to come home at weekends, that isn’t “I fancy a bit of me-time”. Regardless of whether there is anything nefarious going on, that’s a pretty selfish move, not coming home regularly when he is perfectly able to.

Really worried at seeing the movement from ‘most weekends’ to ‘some weekends, Easter and Christmas’ as it sounds as if he wants to check out and be a very part time presence in your lives. This is very hard on you OP.

In that case, can DH work from home at all? Also, he definitely needs to come home on a Friday for every weekend.

This
id be taking it as a step to separation that he doesn’t insist he gets home every weekend. He’s using it as a reason to check out of his relationship with you and family responsibilities.
4 hours is nothing. He can leave earlier on Friday as many do, given I assume high wage means high autonomy and then travel back early on Monday morning. At very least he leaves crack of dawn Saturday to avoid traffic, is with you by 9-10am, and then returns back late Sunday. He could leave at say 7pm and arrive and crash straight to bed.

i did the leave Friday pm and set off Monday am every other week for a project I worked on for a year. 4.5 hour drive. Ok, it was a pain, but my company needed me to do it, paid me a bonus, and I wanted to get home to see kids (17/18) every weekend. I guess for mums it’s inconceivable that you get to check out form your family responsibilities

it’d also be much better then , expense ways, to go into weekday lodgings. He’d not have such a long contract. Trial it for a year. He can then start looking for something else if it doesn’t work for you ALL.

Friend had a small B&B for years. She had a lot of male visitors who'd stay months at a time four nights a week. She'd spoil them with good breakfasts and a dinner. I'd look into that.

I think I would expect my husband to come home Friday evening until Sunday mid afternoon. I'd not buy another house, id look at a cheap BnB or hotel or house share for 5 nights per week.