DH to take on job further away. Worried about coping with DC etc alone. Anyone done it. Tips?

[CoralSea]

Not really an aibu but more looking for reassurance and tips.

DH was made redundant a little while ago and struggled to find a job locally so he looked further away. He is middle aged and the job market is crap but found a decent job about 4h from where we live for a decent salary. took ages though. He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

I will stay behind. We have 3 DSs, one is starting A-levels, and the two younger ones have complex needs with EHCPs and places in special schools which we fought hard for - so uprooting them isn't an option and I would struggle to find work (I have been with my current employer for many years and have shed loads of flexibility - nobody else would take me on). I have no support network and family and I really worry I will struggle and not cope on my own. On the plus side, DH has a job and we secured a full time salary (even though outgoings will go up with having to maintain 2 homes).

Anyone done that. can this work? any tips regarding practicalities. I don't really know what I am asking for but it's a huge change.

The only way I would agree to this is if he at the minimum agree to come every weekend but the expectation would be to have flexible working if either 1 day wfh, or compressed hours to 4 days a week or start late Monday and leave early Friday with longer days the rest of the week so that he can be home the whole weekend and you get at least half a day off to do what you want and he is in sole charge of the DC every weekend

Also - what is he planning to spend his weekends doing if he isn't coming home?

NC as will be outing but single working parent with 3 dc one with complex needs. Ex did EOW (moved away). Did very little holidays. so similar setup. I also know single parents with more one disabled child.

I managed but older dc would help alot as I did struggle with exhaustion. I had some respite. I have a parttime flexible wfh job and a very sympathetic manager.

You have no back up which can be scary - it’s almost certain there will be an emergency like a child needs to go a&E and you have to take everyone. Ideally you would need someone like a regular sitter or nanny or friend as a contingency plan. Your eldest should learn to drive.

worst is when you are sick yourself - it can then can become dangerous so he or family would need to step in.

I was able to take some time out during school/work days to go to an exercise class or meet people for coffee and this kept me sane. You need factor in some downtime and social time for you.

You should ask to be reassessed for more respite. You will get a different reaction as an effectively lone parent as the cost to the council if you burnout isn’t worth it. There will be specialist options which could include over night to give you a break.

I got a proper break eow when ex had dc as was then just me and I could sleep etc. my worry is you would not get a break even when he is back at weekends as if you are there he is going to rely on you and dc are going to be used to you/want you. I think you would need to consider going to a hotel when he is home and have a full childfree break and also him allowing you a holiday childfree (or you and your eldest).

school holidays will be a killer you will need extra respite then

Outsource what you can eg cleaner, he does all admin etc.

i would be worried your marriage won’t survive once he gets to live life without the restrictions of caring. It’s hard not to resent ex having a ‘normal’ life while mine is dominated by caring and I’m often on the brink of exhaustion. It’s like a switch flicked when we split up and he forgot what being a full time carer is like (or just feels too guilty he blocks it out). He has a new relationship, hobbies, social life etc and dc fit into his life on his terms. He doesn’t care I can do none of these things. Your dh would need to understand that when he’s back home you are 100% handing over the dc with complex needs to him. So in effect he would be working fulltime as a carer during his weekends ‘off’.

if you have bedroom space think about an au pair.

He needs to come home every weekend and do his share of caring for your two disabled children. I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

We did it for a year, DH got made redundant at a time when there was a downturn in his industry, he got a job 3 hrs drive away for Company “A”. It was in the days of less wfh and he had to be in the office 5 days a week. He got cheap lodgings and came home most weekends, the other odd weekend me and our ND son went to stay with him, his landlady was fine with us putting up a blow up mattress in the room. DH really loved that job and wanted us to move but I had a good flexible job and family support so I said no. DH managed to get another job back home all good, fast forward a few years DH is back working for Company “A” but fully remotely never has to travel the 3 hrs as they wanted to have him working on a massive project close to home. Working patterns have changed so much everything is so much more possible now.

We did this for 7 years, where DH left early Mondays mornings, coming home Friday eve. When he occasionally worked a Saturday, he would stay for the weekend, saving this as toil for longer periods at home in the school holidays. We were often both tired but it worked, as it was a good salary (even after accomm costs). We found a long-term b&b, who were happy with some flexibility for us and a regular rent for them, though he initially stayed in travel-lodge types of hotels. We’d have considered a little flat if we could have afforded it.

My advice is that it took us 6 months to adapt to the change, so perhaps assess the workability in the months after that and discuss whether it’s working for both of you.

Another poster mentioned giving your eldest driving lessons so you have someone else who ok can drive in an emergency which is no bad thing.
I would be careful however of them taking on the role of the absent parent. In my tips I was going to say get them to help more, but then thought that this isn't right; that as adults you have made this decision and they have to be a substitute adult when dad is away.

Also because it is MN after all. Have you actually seen the contract and know it definitely doesn't mention WFH and seen how much the salary is?

While DH might not want to lower himself to a job beneath him and is glad to have found a 'decent' job, the hassle this could cause the family may not benefit what he earns (I am thinking stress on you, also your two children with complex needs - will they cope with him not being there in the week or will this also cause distress, even initially?)

I’ve lived similarly, with two young (NT) DCs, a demanding FT job, and a DH who travelled the world, Mon-Fri but with weekend days according to time zones.
It was exhausting, there was certainly no “me” left when he did come home.
Please tell him that he absolutely has to come home every weekend for the family, and particularly for you.
I accept that he has to take this job & that there are many extra tasks for him, living alone, but there also will be for you, too. It has to be proper teamwork and then this is probably do-able.

Eldest is very resentful of the younger siblings and has no interest in driving. He is a lone wolf as he is used to us not being able to give much support. Younger siblings have competing needs so we cannot really take them out together. It's usually one parent per child. If DH doesn't come home every weekend, we will just stay at home. My life is pretty hard as it is. I am not too bothered and don't get joy from things. We are fairly happy at home too as it's a low demand environment and can cope that way. 😊

I can leave the youngest with SN at home for a few hours if need be but elder could with SN has severe learning difficulties and can only stay with me. Younger DC had multiple a&e attendances due to condition last year and 2 admissions, one lasting almost 2 months. I only can hope there is no repeat as I couldn't cope alone as the older DC hates coming along to hospital, screamed a&e down once to the point where we had to leave, wait for DH to come home and take younger child back. It's been a very trick year but things are a bit more stable so I hope it works out. I don't work full time. I only do 22 hours per week so it should all be doable. I just need to get organised.

Yes the home at weekends needs to be non-negotiable - home Friday night and doesn't leave til late Sunday.

Life sounds very tricky for you already. I can understand that having another salary coming in is difficult to turn down, but I think you need a plan b going into it - will your husband agree to resign and come home if it's too much for you? Will he continue to apply for jobs locally? I'd be really concerned that he thinks not coming home every weekend is even an option. As others have said, are you sure he's not using this job as an escape route?

I can totally see that specialist childcare is too expensive on a weekly basis, but is there an option to do it less frequently? Partly to give you some respite but also to get your children used to someone else in case of emergency.

Could DH lodge or house share to save money for support for you, whether that's cleaner, takeaways etc?

I'd be insisting he came home every weekend. Even if he's leaving at 6am on Saturday. You'll end up burnt out if you're doing in the week and weekend too.

And he should keep looking locally for a new job.

Yes to me him already saying he isn't coming home every weekend is a red flag - why did he say this?

Another red flag for me is that he wants to rent a place to himself rather than taking a room somewhere.

Was there no other jobs he could have taken in the area?

We did it for 16 years, the big adjustment was him taking a wfh job last year!

We did it for 16 years, the big adjustment was him taking a wfh job last year!

He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

Err, what? He needs to come home every weekend. He does not get to live alone, pretended has no family at the weekends. WTF?

This exact situation happened to my family when I was a teenager. My parents who were rock solid before ended up splitting up. My sister and I were just talking yesterday about how our Dad getting made redundant changed the course of all of our lives forever.

My Dad started off coming home very weekend which petered out as it was so expensive (had to fly). My Mum ended up having an affair with a family friend.

I would do everything I could to avoid this situation.

Friends husband would get up early Monday morning drive to work. Staying Monday to Thursday night then driving home Friday night. So four nights away.

Absolutely this.

We used to have a B&B. Rooms had a kitchenette or a minimum of a mini-fridge and microwave. We had several regulars Mon-Fri and charged a hugely reduced rate as having them meant we could budget. So that might be an option? One travelled from Hampshire to Durham every week. Five-six hour drive?

Anyway, as LadyDanburysHat says, do not let him pull the "full time long drive" card because he will have been chilling out for four evenings a week.

(Also in my experience, not one of them got up to anything 🙂)

Sorry op but my marriage would not survive this.

What is your plan if you yourself fall ill? Do you have someone to come round and look after your kids if you need to go to hospital for example?

This. It would be much better to rent a monday to friday room, for all sorts of reasons.

Tbf on him I wouldn't want to rent a room, I'd want my own place but that's the only thing I agree with him on.

Everyone I know who has done something similar has had the partner come back Friday evening and they left either really late Sunday evening or Monday morning but they didn't have children with complex needs. One had one child with SEN but that's easier to handle than yours with two.

I have no family and friends. I just tend to plough on even when unwell. He travelled a lot for his old job so being on my own isn't new-new and I am used to having a few plates spinning.

He really needs his own place. Sharing with others isn't for him. I wouldn't cope that way either. It's not for everyone. He is looking at studios or 1 beds, nothing fancy.

OP, your post and subsequent updates have made me a bit worried for you. This plan does not sound sustainable for you, and the stress will disproportionately fall on you in a way that is guaranteed to lead to resentment.

Have you actually asked your DH why he thinks it's reasonable to come home "most" weekends and not every weekend? It's absolutely mind-boggling to me that he could possibly think this was ok. Having not seen his wife and DC all week how could he not want to come home every weekend?

Also, I don't know what your DH's profession is but it strikes me as odd that his new job pays so well that he could afford to support a family of 5 and rent out a second home, yet his skills are not at all in demand in any of the towns or cities local to you, or in any WFH jobs? Are you absolutely 100% sure that this is the case? Has he asked new employer outright if they will allow WFH/Hybrid?

I'm not a particularly suspicious person by nature, but in your shoes I would be concerned that he has come up with a plan that allows him to check out of family life the vast majority of the time, to your detriment.