DH to take on job further away. Worried about coping with DC etc alone. Anyone done it. Tips?

[CoralSea]

Not really an aibu but more looking for reassurance and tips.

DH was made redundant a little while ago and struggled to find a job locally so he looked further away. He is middle aged and the job market is crap but found a decent job about 4h from where we live for a decent salary. took ages though. He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

I will stay behind. We have 3 DSs, one is starting A-levels, and the two younger ones have complex needs with EHCPs and places in special schools which we fought hard for - so uprooting them isn't an option and I would struggle to find work (I have been with my current employer for many years and have shed loads of flexibility - nobody else would take me on). I have no support network and family and I really worry I will struggle and not cope on my own. On the plus side, DH has a job and we secured a full time salary (even though outgoings will go up with having to maintain 2 homes).

Anyone done that. can this work? any tips regarding practicalities. I don't really know what I am asking for but it's a huge change.

Worked for us. My husband worked away all week for several years. We were in Cornwall, which was then an awful lot cheaper than it is now. His city of London salary easily covered our mortgage, his dockland rental and commuting flights.
Got us out of a big hole. I also took in German sixth form students which helped. (Big age gap with kids so I couldn’t work out of our home.)

Come home ‘from time to time’?? I’d insist he gets home every weekend! And if he could possibly work remotely one day a week?
Ive known people who commute weekly to London from France, the Channel Islands and in America from Boston to Miami. They managed to get home every weekend.

We were in a situation similar to yours. DH also in a very niche role, most of which were based in London. We are 4 hrs away by train.
He’s worked away most of our married life and been lucky enough to be expensed but after a redundancy was able to secure a job 2 1/2 hrs away by car. Downside being we had to fund expenses ourselves.
He came home Fri night and left v early Mon. From time to time that didn’t happen due to unavoidable work commitments. I worked about 35 hours at the time, no WFH as pre covid and I didn’t drive but could walk to work.
Those were the similarities. The differences were my younger DC were in mainstream education and my eldest still lived at home but was at work.We’ve always had a joint account where both our salaries are paid.
It was hard and if I’m honest our marriage suffered… a lot! I won’t go into detail but it wasn’t a good thing him having lots of time on his own.
However, he didn’t try to shirk his responsibilities and never questioned what money was spent on.
I’ve read your comments and a few things have concerned me. Firstly that he’s moved the goalpost since accepting, saying he won’t necessarily be home every weekend. Also his flat no to things that might make a difference to you such as a cleaner.
It sounds to me like he is calling the shots because he is the breadwinner. I also get the impression you are very reasonable and accepting of your lot. From experience my advice would be to change your mindset here. Yours is a symbiotic relationship in that you can’t function without his income but he can’t function without your support at home.
This situation is going to be very tough on you both but particularly on you. I notice you said you had a breakdown once before which triggered respite for your DC. If this were to happen, he will need to come home. What will happen if your DC is hospitalised again? He will need to come home.
You need to show your DH how reliant he is on you and he needs to agree to anything you say you need to make this doable. Not just for him but for BOTH of you.
Sort it now before he starts. Put boundaries in place to protect yourself and be prepared to stand firm if they are broken.
I wish you all the best x

What about the fact that he's financially abusive and she doesn't have access to the family money? Surely that's the bigger issue?

Your marriage will end. This will not work. Go with him. Work it out, and go.

I’ll tell you what’s happening here, your DH is having an affair and has found a job near to where she lives. He will be living with her which is why he can afford to run 2 homes - he’s not going to be running 2 homes though. He is leaving you to raise his children, whom he clearly wants to move away from. He is leaving you in a very vulnerable position both emotionally, physically and financially.
He’s an utter coward to pretend it’s all about his new job. I bet he’s told you you’ll never get another job like the one you’ve got; that the children can’t possibly move schools; that it’s better to have separate bank accounts. I bet he’s even lied about how far away this new job is!

@Soontobe60 he is absolutely not seeing anyone else. I can completely rule this out.

Yeah, my DM did this for 5 years, moving to London for a higher paid job under the guise of improving her pension. Turns out she was shacked up with another man and only told my DF by letter after persuading him to put their house on the market to ‘downsize’.

How? Do you follow him everywhere? You have no idea about his finances, he’s made sure of that.

he doesn't disappear, no time gaps, not protective on phone. Impossible to see anyone. He also doesn't know anybody in the areas where he will be moving to (a few h away). you can say what you want about him but he isn't a cheater.

If the ops husband was going to the dentist would you say she has to follow as they are secretly having an affair and she needs to catch him out, why do people have to get so dramatic it is like people froth at the mouth at the thought they have caught one

Yes people cheat, shock horror women too but not every situation means a man is cheating every single time

This is mn men would be accursed of having 4 affairs in 4 hours and having secret children

This is good advice.

Well that obviously depends on how much money he's making, doesn't it??

How can you possibly not grasp that?

I'm sure there are many women like me on Mumsnet whose DH have worked away for various reasons. We don't particularly like or enjoy it but sometimes it has to happen, due to the nature of the profession that they are in or to shortage of employment in their field or location. As you get older it can get harder to find a job. People seem to be jumping to seeing the worst of @CoralSea 's DH but that's Mumsnet for you.

Exactly that. Both of us worked away from home during the week at various points. The alternative in my case was not working at all. All the clever posters on MN (particularly with regard to tax) seem incapable of understanding that a percentage of something is better than 100% of nothing.

Oh stop it. It works for many, many people.

You don’t know this man from Adam. OP is married to him. Stop spouting shit-stirring, angry nonsense.

That’s very sad for you. The majority of people aren’t cunts, though.

And how much does he pay you for caring for his children?

we don't pay for childcare. There is none. I reduced my working hours to work around the DC

That was not the question @Dozydoats was asking. They meant what money does he give to you for all the childcare you provide allowing him to work.

Exactly! He does not seem to regard your marriage as a partnership, or your children as being the responsibility of both of you.

This guy is an absolute wanker. Him moving away is least of the worries.

You say there will be plenty money left from him renting cod this new job is so well paid...but none of the money can go on anything that helps you?!!! A cleaner would massively help. Same with in house respite/babysitting even if hard to find SOMEONE would be suitable to sit with dc while you had a bath/napped etc. Much easier than finding sole charge care.

He is at it!!! He gets to move away AND keep all the extra money and you have a shit car. Does he have a shut car??

Only reason you have no money is cos you are doing everything.

I'd contact womens aid you are being financially abused by this wanker.