DH to take on job further away. Worried about coping with DC etc alone. Anyone done it. Tips?

[CoralSea]

Not really an aibu but more looking for reassurance and tips.

DH was made redundant a little while ago and struggled to find a job locally so he looked further away. He is middle aged and the job market is crap but found a decent job about 4h from where we live for a decent salary. took ages though. He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

I will stay behind. We have 3 DSs, one is starting A-levels, and the two younger ones have complex needs with EHCPs and places in special schools which we fought hard for - so uprooting them isn't an option and I would struggle to find work (I have been with my current employer for many years and have shed loads of flexibility - nobody else would take me on). I have no support network and family and I really worry I will struggle and not cope on my own. On the plus side, DH has a job and we secured a full time salary (even though outgoings will go up with having to maintain 2 homes).

Anyone done that. can this work? any tips regarding practicalities. I don't really know what I am asking for but it's a huge change.

Feels very sad, reading through your posts, OP.

This isn't OK, or normal & I think your DH should just suck up not getting the job he wants in his niche field. He's got a high needs family & a wife who needs support, he can't just check out & do as he pleases. He's got responsibilities to you & his children.

The fact he's moved the goalposts speaks volumes, I'm afraid. 4hrs just isn't that far for him to grace you with his presence the occasional weekend & Christmas. It's bloody awful, actually, and I'm so sorry you're in this position.

He says he needs to concentrate on the job and can come home some weekends and Xmas/Easter etc. It's not what we initially agreed (that was coming home every weekend) but he is moving the goal posts now.

Oh he'll come home for Easter and Christmas, will he? That's good of him.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, OP.

How many working parents with three children does he think have evenings and weekends child-free so they can "concentrate on their jobs"? He can concentrate on his job when he is at work, like the rest of us. When he's not at work, he needs to own his responsibilities and be a Husband and Father.

Honestly, the more you post the more angry I feel on your behalf. I understand that he has to work, but it's very clear that he has also seen an opportunity here to opt out of parenting and domestic responsibilities and is grabbing it with both hands. Worse still, he doesn't seem to care that he'll be leaving you in the shit. You're supposed to be a team.

I agree with other posters re lodging, it'll be cheaper and it'll encourage him to come home. He'll work possibly only 18 more hours than you but he gets to lead the life of a single person and comes home to peace and quiet every evening with only himself to look after, he's being very selfish in my opinion.

I agree with others, OP, your DH MUST come home every weekend. It is hugely unfair for you to have to deal with everything at home on your own.

And I don’t at all understand the refusal to rent a room, maybe be a weekday lodger with someone. It would save stacks of money that could be used towards respite care and a cleaner or occasional takeaways - anything that takes the pressure off you. Or even just to go into the family pot. I would do it for my family even if it was hard. I don’t understand why your DH isn’t even considering this. He’s basically absenting himself from family life and chores, and not even saving everything he can to make it worthwhile or more manageable.

While dh was unemployed was it not deemed feasible for you to reverse roles? You could up your hours/career, he could work around school hours. I still think that's a good alternative. If you go ahead with his 'plan', you're shafted. This isn't even a temporary job, it's the rest of your life.

Really sorry OP, but imo this sounds like a terrible idea and unsustainable. I think perhaps you are so worn down by your daily struggles that you are not seeing the situation as others here are: your DH is in effect opting out of your family life, which is already exceptionally difficult.

I could just about understand it if it was for a fixed term of a few months at most, and you were willing to suffer in the short term for long-term gain/security, but that’s not the case. It’s unthinkable to me that your DH would be ready to put you in this position, in effect splitting up the family and putting all the burden on you, and unthinkable that you would agree to go along with it.

A lower-paid job for DH in a different type of role, where he could remain living with his family and sharing the burden of their care, as he rightly should, would be far preferable.

Your husband is a disgrace.

Your eldest son is a victim of this family set up. He’s not ‘a lone wolf’, he’s been neglected due to the unfortunate circumstances around your younger children, coupled with a deeply selfish and disengaged father who’s choosing to rent a flat away and hardly ever come home.

Meanwhile, you work and try to manage everything, with a spirit so broken by what your husband has done and is doing, that you claim not to mind as you don’t get joy from anything anyway.

@CoralSea, this is genuinely appalling. This isn’t how life should be.

I have cruised along for a long time in a low paid part time role. I have no earning potential and him becoming a carers whilst I work full time on NMW isn't possible. He earns far above NME and still there is no scope for me to give it up. We certainly wouldn't be able to have a sahp if we reduced our income dramatically further. he also is not that good with the DC. they really need me.

While he has been unemployed, has your DH been doing the bulk of childcare and housework etc? I get the impression that he has realised how incredibly difficult your life is and he's trying to distance himself.

1. He needs to come home every weekend. I know someone who worked in London and lived in Scotland. They were an hour and a half drive to an airport, travelled every Friday evening and Monday morning because they wanted to spend as much time as possible with their family.
2. He needs to take on all family admin that can be done in the evenings - online shopping, insurance renewals, car maintenance etc
3. He doesn't waste money on renting his own space because he doesn't like the idea of lodging or sharing!

Also, he needs to be actively looking for a job nearer home.

100% of what this poster says.

Will he be looking for another job closer to home still? As I don’t think this will work long term. I agree that leaving a flexible job whilst having DC with additional needs/finding new specialist school placements is not something I would do. So realistically you can’t move closer to his job so he needs to be pursuing jobs closer to home whilst he works this job and he should be making the effort to return every weekend.

This actually sounds worse and worse the more you post. So he's just... leaving you but without leaving you? This isn't really an option.

Would you be better off if he genuinely just left and then you'd get various allowances or maintenance or something? It just sounds like you're basically going to be a single parent without any of the things that usually accompany that.

he also is not that good with the DC. they really need me

Oh god op - why are you doing this to yourself? I say that with absolute sadness!

Arguably it's harder being in a relationship & family where you're being relentlessly let down. You're neither a single parent nor a supported one, it's a terrible inbetween you exist in & it is draining you of everything!

My DH did work away for 4 nights a week & was back every Thursday night, sometimes Friday morning but 2 of our kids were in secondary school by then & eldest was working. And although two of them have some difficulties it's nothing on the scale you're talking about. That job opportunity came up years ago & I flatly said no, the kids were too young. Even doing it when the kids were older I had to swallow the feeling of 'oh you've finished work & can now just chill for the evening. How nice?'. 'oh, you're all going to the pub for dinner? Lovely'. 'takeaway tonight is it? Oh, I'm just battling to get youngest to eat at all haha.. Ha'.

The man of a couple we know did the same job & eventually lost his family cos of it. She's a teacher & he left her with two young kids - he'd come back every weekend but became more and more selfish with his time till eventually she'd had enough. More concerned with with his hobbies than making up for his time away.

She's happy & secure now & he's a sad little middle aged man jumping from woman to woman whining about his ex being difficult.

You are entitled to a social care assessment by virtue of your status as a carer, in your own right. PLEASE do this. Also your children should have a disability social worker too who can help organise this and also respite for you before you disintegrate entirely.

"He says he needs to concentrate on the job and can come home some weekends and Xmas/Easter etc." Why are you putting up with this nonsense?! He either comes home EVERY weekend or you split up and divorce. No good will come out of letting him have it both ways

Having just read the rest of your posts it really does sounds like he’s prioritising himself and choosing to opt out of family life. Returning only occasionally and renting his own place basically sounds like he’s intending to set up a new life there. He should just lodge somewhere so the family has extra money(either for you to reduce your hours or hire help during the week). And also so he’s not becoming too comfortable there - he can move back much easier if he’s lodging when he finds a local job instead and he’ll be less likely to want to spend weekends there.

I would be very wary of setting him up to live elsewhere personally.

I know a couple who did this. They didn't move because one of their children has very, very complex special needs and the mum's support system was where they lived.

Together, they found him a nice small flat, she decorated it with him/ for him, got it all set up ... and within a few months, he ended the marriage when an old girlfriend appeared on the scene near his new place of work.

He's now married to the new girlfriend. Mum, although she has a great circle of friends, is still mostly on her own with a child who will never be able to live independently and needs full time care.

I really feel for you op. You sound so downtrodden. Your husband is being very selfish here and you sound too exhausted to fight it, which I don't blame you for at all.

I'd be wondering quite how hard he tried to get a job closer to home... If this is a good enough salary that he can rent a place and it's still worthwhile then he is pretty employable. I struggle to believe he couldn't find something which didn't require him moving out, even if it was a compromise on his ideal role.

So I think the only thing to do is to set the ground rules very firmly. The cheapest rental he can find. Fully shared finances if you don't already. He travels home every weekend as standard, and explores WFH/flexible hours as soon as he can. And/or he keeps looking for a different job.

I had, and this has resulted in 3h respite per week for one of the DC. It took years of fighting to get the assessment, then another year of boxing the respite through. The panel voted several times that DC isn't disabled enough for respite (this kid will never have a job, or live independently) and once we had it approved, if took another 4 months to find a provider for respite.

I have requested a disability social worker but it has been declined as we don't need one and have plenty of support. Everything is such a bloody battle. I am not opening that one again. Nothing will come out. To get the respite, we had to go through assessments which made me feel like a criminal. all sorts of parenting decisions are questioned. I will never ask for help again and just be grateful for what we got. We only got this because I had a breakdown from working and caring which had triggered the assessment.

TBH, it sounds like he's on his way out.

You can't force him to take the DC if he doesn't want to once he's gone.

No advice OP but wanted to send a big hug. Your type of situation is exactly the type of scenario where it seems crazy and wrong that you can’t get more government support.

Its just a bad situation all around.

I only have two chikdren and only ine has special needs, but my dh, after being made redundant, took a job abroad and inky came hime at weekends. He was hime most weekends but not every weekend. He had a flat abroad, a car, friends etc.

We had totally different lives, I was a boring, stressed, tired. He was having a fantastic time. He got less adept with the kids.

Anyway the marriage lasted, but he came home after 2 years. Im still pissed off

And if, God forbid, you became ill again as a result of the increased pressure while DH was working away, what would happen with the children? Perhaps you should ask him this.

"He says he needs to concentrate on the job and can come home some weekends and Xmas/Easter etc. It's not what we initially agreed (that was coming home every weekend) but he is moving the goal posts now. "

He's moved the goalposts to what is in essence a separation. There will be 2 separate households and he will see his children the occasional weekend and holidays. I'm really sorry.

He's checking out of your family and starting a new life elsewhere.

He's abandoning you when he knows you will be overwhelmed and have no support in case of emergency. I think that's pretty vile.

I would not be okay with that and I would make a lawyer consult a priority. Is he actually working at this point? I would worry that because of his unemployment, his income looks low on paper to determine child support.