How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

Never been a SAHM (couldn’t bear not working and earning my own money) but can’t imagine those treatments are in any way necessary at 33. Eat well, drink plenty of water, exercise and maximise sleep and you’ll reap the benefits.

I didn’t start getting Botox (just in my 11s) until I was well into my 40s - I pay for that myself.

I don't think knowing what other people spend will be particularly useful to you. There will be a lot of people who have very limited disposable income.

I'm not a SAHM but I have £250 a month as personal spends. We could afford for me to have more, but we have chosen, as a family, to prioritise money on savings, pensions and holidays.

I'd say the key things are

1. How much does DH have? I'd suggest equal amounts is a good rule of thumb.
2. What are your family priorities for the family budget? This is something you do need to agree between you. This is where it could get tricky if, for example, DH would prefer to put more money into savings, and you would like more personal money.

It’s one of those situations that neither of you are wrong or right. Dh wants to stick to the agreed budget and you want to increase it.

My dc are older now, but when I was a sahm, I spent much less than you - haircut, coffee or lunch with friends, and that was about it! Probably £150 per month at most, if you were to include clothes and gym costs (although I didn’t do gym).

None of the treatments you want are essential, they are a luxury and as such should come from your personal funds I agree.

Also, you’re saying “it’s my money also” so he can’t tell you how to allocate it, I thought you said you were a SAHM so presumably not being paid?

Sorry my post is not well written at all. Trying to multitask here

That is incredibly offensive. I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me.

@Mrsttcno1

No, you’re not. You look after the home & child, your husband keeps the roof over your heads and food on your table. None of this make any of it your money though, and the reality is he does get the final say there because it is HIS money.

Marriage will only protect you financially in divorce, it doesn’t give you any right to that money while married.

£400 is a lot of money really, and nothing you want is essentially so it is of course fair for that to come from personal spends.

Also as many women realise after divorce, men can continue perfectly fine to work, run a home etc when single because they can just simply opt out of parenting and as long as they pay child maintenance- that’s all they have to do.

I have excess funds each month, but I don't really spend money on beauty treatments. I tried botox once and it gave me a droopy eye. I tried lip filler once and I couldn't tell the difference and it cost a fortune.

I only get my hair done every 7 weeks, and that costs me £100. I do my own nails etc..

I may not bring in a monthly wage right now but I absolutely contribute to our family’s finances. Before becoming a SAHM I saved a substantial deposit which reduced our mortgage and therefore our ongoing costs. I provide ft childcare. My work in the home enables the home and income to exist in the first place. It might not be a direct payslip but it’s no less a very real and tangible contribution

My work in the home enables the home and income to exist in the first place.

You are aware that there are lots of families where both parents work? It's not essential to have a SAHM.

This is one of those posts that just winds people up and is likely to have been posted for that reason.

How you spend your money is up to you and £400 a month may or may not be reasonable depending on so many other factors in your home e.g. how much money is left over once essentials have been paid for, is any money put into savings or pensions, how much money is put aside for the child, how much money does your husband have for himself?

It's also about priorities, you want beauty treatments, other posters on here if they have fun money might use this for a hobby. So any these posts are very subjective and there is no right or wrong answer.

Erm again… no. If you were to separate tomorrow your husband would still be off to work every day and home each night, he’d still be paid and paying the same bills.

Unfortunately as women it’s us who take that hit. You’d be the one balancing childcare and a job, he could (and lots of men do) just opt out of that and as I say, all you’ll get it CMS.

Homes don’t require a SAHM- most homes don’t have one and still “exist” perfectly fine.

I agree with the importance of your role within the home but I don’t agree that your treatments are essential. There are other ways of providing self-worth - yoga, walking, swimming, and other forms of social prescribing. I’m not a SAHM though and have worked full time since DC were young, so my viewpoint is certainly skewed by that.

Of course, plenty of families have two working parents but that doesn’t mean my role isn’t valuable or essential in our setup. Every family works out what’s best for them. In our case, me being at home means our child has full time care from a parent and DH’s work schedule isn’t restricted by childcare logistics

How much does your dh have for personal spends or is his unlimited?

I had to start working PT shortly after DC's birth and have no fun money although I allow myself the occasional ice cream.
I have stopped going to the hair dressers and having my eye brows done as DC are our priority.

If you have 400 pounds, I suggest investing them in therapy to come to terms with the ageing process rather than beauty treatments as these will most likely make you age faster in the long run.

Just go back to work

Nobody is interested in your noble sacrifice, not even your own family, so fund your Botox or don't up to you

DH and I have 220 pounds each for personal spends. That does exclude the gym for DH and my yoga lessons which come from the joint account. The 220 each goes to our individual bank accounts.

If one of us would become a SAHP we would still do the equal amount each.

Dh and I both agreed we would have £400
spending money each. DH’s spending ends up being far more variable mine. There will be months where his only outgoings are his gym membership and coffee. Normally in the Summer months when he’s working a lot. But then there will be months where he splashes out on sporting events, golf etc

I'm genuinely so glad we don't run our household like this, but I appreciate why some do.

All money in the pot, all money shared.

I've done 2 mat leaves and the above agreement stands.

However, neither of us are big spenders so it's fair.

If you have ample money, is there a need for a £400 cut off?

If you don't have ample money, I'm 100% team DH. IMO self care is about eating well, good sleep, exercise... not beauty treatments, not giving money to companies..

I think you may be realising that in life, you can't have it all!

You mention in your opening post that your budget was set so that your family aren't plunged into financial hardship whilst you're a SAHM. The non-essential beauty treatments go against this goal and only benefit you, not your family.

You need to get back to basics, reassess your priorities during this time, and cut your cloth accordingly.

Unbelievable nasty some of these responses 😕

Of course you are making a valuable contribution to your family. Please don't listen to the naysayers!

FWIW I think £400 is an acceptable amount to have as personal spends if that is what works for your family.

I’m sure a million people will be along soon to tell you how stupid Botox is and how privileged you are etc. I will ignore that and say purely financially what we used to do….

money coming in from all parties a month - let’s say £100

minus bills, mortgage, food, petrol car stuff etc = £30, so £70 left
£40 into savings - divvied up between saving for holidays, Xmas, emergency fund and long term savings
£30 left - £10 to me to pay for child related stuff, clothes, activities, coffees at softplay

£20 left - divided between us equally so £10 each a month to spend on whatever we wanted, Botox included

The actual figures involved I can’t remember and are out of date now but we still do the same thing - I earn 20k and DH earns many multiples but we just combine it, take out the necessaries and split the rest. I get a bit more because I’ll just pick things up for the kids as I see them.
£400 is a bit arbitrary, it might be loads or it might be pennies and you need to decide together how much you’re allocating to savings/pensions etc and then see if £400 each spending money is feasible. Things like entrance fees to soft play, NT membership, Jo jingles fees or whatever shouldn’t be coming out of your spending money, they are joint expenses that you just happen to be racking up because you’re the one with your kid all day.