How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

We have a joint account, no agreed amount for either of us specifically per month. But I don’t do any of the types of things you mention, so I spend very little on self care and £400 sounds a lot per month. But if I wanted to go to an exercise class or the like we wouldn’t be agreeing a budget on it. I find any of these questions about who pays for what in a marriage from ‘his money’ or ‘your money’ worrying. We’re equal and are aware of and trust each other on how we both spend money. But if my DH was wanting to differentiate between what ‘his money’ and ‘my money’ paid for I’d 100% be getting a job.

I've just thought actually. In the 'good ole days' my mum was a stay at home mum and my dad would pay her housekeeping money. What an old fashioned term that was, but he would pay her a set amount each month to pay for the food shop and, I guess, anything she needed like hair appointments etc ..... I remember occasionally he would put it up to combat inflation, and mum used to be thrilled.

I budget £150 for clothes and beauty per month. Most clothes come from Zara via Vinted or the supermarket .

I Get a hell pedicure every 6 -8 weeks and and an eyebrow tint and wax. I don’t get nails done anymore as they don’t retain well. I have minimal decent make up (eborian, mac, ) and some cheaper bits and skin care is the same.

Hair is £80 every 10 weeks.

gym is £35

but I work. Full time I obviously don’t earn as much as you.

how much does your husband earn each month. I don’t like the idea of an allowance or housekeeping. I think it should just be a joint account that you can spend freely from.

I would love some treatments but I need to sell some things first

Wow people are being quite harsh on you OP.

But if you agreed a budget of £400 it’s unreasonable to simply overspend and then say your needs changed, because you went into this with your eyes open. Did you think your body would snap back to perfection post-baby? Things change radically after you’ve had a baby, you have the luxury of not having to juggle baby and work, so you’re already miles ahead of most of us. Surely as a grown up and an educated professional you must have anticipated this; so did you just think your dh wouldn’t notice you were overspending, or would indulge you?

You should agree the overspend with dh and if it can’t fit easily in your total family budget then I really think you have to go back to work and earn the extra money to spend on yourself, or cut back the expensive extras.

I’m not a SAHM but I allocate myself £400 spending money each month from my pay so that seems reasonable for coffee, clothes, beauty treatments, as I spend mine on similar. The remainder goes into family savings.

I save a bit back each month for hairdressers etc so I’m not wiping out my weeks budget in a day, but if I was hitting the Botox or facials, I’d be cutting back elsewhere in my spending so I could save for that as well as/instead of.

DH has the same amount of spending money but does feck all with it day to day so it looks like he has more, as he splashes out occasionally from the pot he’s built up, whereas I usually spend mine.

OP’s DH isn’t differentiating between what his and her money is spent on. Her DH is rightly objecting to their joint money paying for non-essential beauty treatments, in addition to her receiving £400 personal spending money per month.

the beauty treatments should come out of her £400.

Single parent to two children and have elderly parent living with me.
Work full time.
Don’t have time or money for ‘self care’
I think you’ll survive

Quite. I worked 12 hour shifts in the NHS while DH worked in IT across multiple time zones (including working away) whilst thousands of miles from family and neither of us even considered becoming a SAHP.

Missing the point of the post somewhat, but…..I am a SAHM, and DH pays me a regular monthly amount. It’s my own money, I work for it, I earn it. It’s time we all stopped undervaluing the work done, typically by women, in the home.

And the patriarchy wins again. 👏

Not sure what the point of your posts is - every family is different. However, if you spend £400 on such stuff every single month, you must be having a laugh. Is this a stealth post?

If it helps, I work and I cannot afford beauty treatments, gym etc. Does that help?

Good for you.

Do you get more than minimum wage? Pension contributions? Paid holiday?

I WANT to be at home whilst my children are preschoolers. It’s not a luxury everyone can afford. My parents couldn’t. But that is a priority for me.

Mumsnet loves the myth of the good old days when women didn't work. Both my grandmothers worked and brought up a family. Laundress and Hairdresser. The one who was a hairdresser ( 4 kids) took the little ones with her and the played out the back of the salon until they started school. My mother always worked. we needed her money. I always worked and I am in my seventies and still do a bit of work and do three days of grandchild care.
I am afraid I am aghast at spending £400 a month on self care. One of my favourite MN posters walks everywhere and drinks oodles of water and she credits this with looking so much younger than her actual years.
I also think that given the current COL crisis,it is insensitive towards large numbers of posters who manage on very little and always put their children first.

If you agreed this amount years ago, where I would say you have an argument is that it needs to go up to reflect inflation - so depending on when you agreed the original amount maybe £500 or even £550. Can you and your DH sit down and go through the family budget together?

Other than that though, I work PT now, but was at home before that and have a similar amount to spend on myself (as does DH). I didn't go mad on the treatments though - I'm kind of with your DH and think you should budget for them out of your personal spends. Also, if you want the extras can these not be given as birthday/ Xmas presents - so a course of Botox or whatever?

Botox and moxroneedling aren't monthly costs though and neither is hair. Only nails so I think yabu.

Say no thank you to child number 2: problem solved.

Champagne lifestyle on a coca cola budget

• how much money would you like ideally?
• would that compromise on the ability to build up your savings as a family? And bigger things like family holidays?

As a lawyer I would expect you to be able to provide more arguments and fight for your case a bit longer before coming to Mumsnet 😆🫢

And that's great that you are able to do what you want to, and it obviously suits your family.

But it sounds like a compromise is that you don't get to spend as much money as you would like to. It doesn't matter how much money anyone else has to spend and what they prioritise. Your DH thinks that the family budget covers £400 of personal spends to you. You need to talk to him and get his agreement about increasing it, but he might well disagree and think the money should go into savings (for example).

I don't spend £400 on myself per month and I work. I could easily afford to but don't.
No way do you need botox at your age but if you feel you do you should save your "allowance" to pay for it.
The SAHM I know have full access to the family spending and use it as required. An allowance is a terrible idea.

But not their father.

And you’ll have hammered the career you probably had to work bloody hard for in the process. Bravo.

(We absolutely could have afforded to have a SAHP but neither of us would have wanted to do it. My career is as important as DH’s and I didn’t want DD growing up thinking that women were the only ones that could do childcare. Once you’re past the growing, birthing and breastfeeding stage, men can actually do all that is needed.)

I gained 60 pounds during pregnancy. I expected to some weight gain of course. I didn’t expect that it would take me the better part of two years to lose the weight. I also expected some baby blues. But I didn’t think I would be borderline agoraphobic for the better part of 6 months. I couldn’t even be bothered to brush my hair when I was at my lowest.

I think reinvesting in yourself is a perfectly valid thing to do. Microneedling is £200 a session. I obviously can’t cover that from my pot. We can cover it from elsewhere. I think as a grown adult I am just as entitled as dh to make those decisions.

the reality is he does get the final say there because it is HIS money

Just a shockingly awful way of thinking. Shamefully old-fashioned and sexist.

It’s hard to comment without more info like how much you h earns, how much money is available after bills etc

I understand that your salary as a lawyer may require you to spend lots of beauty treatments and clothes and if you were working then it could be argued that it’s a work cost like petrol.

Have you tried saying that in light of the cost of things you would like “fun money” of x? Yes, you said that £400 would be fine but things have gone up in price and it’s fair to say that you didn’t consider Y or Z at the time.

If you want to do all those tweakments then you might have to consider returning to work early to earn the money for them. I know it’s not what you envisioned but things change like thinking that £400 would be enough.

Well my husband pays for some of my treatments that are not 'essentials'. Beucase he recognizes my wellbeing is essential to being a good parent. Besides wouldn't you be on good wages with your roles?