How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

Sahm, I have £200 a month. I buy coffees and lunches out with the kids on joint account.

your treatments should come out your savings, they are fairly extravagant luxuries in my eyes.

My money goes on a hair or pedicure every now and then. Maybe some new clothes.

If this is the case I agree with your DH. Your beauty treatments and personal care should come out of your £400 spending money. You both have an amount to do what you choose to each month and yours should be spent on that. What do you normally spend your £400 on?

And @Khor i agree with this. The job market is awful at the moment, the legal market is very very full. Please don’t overestimate how easy it will be to get a foot back in.

He knows you wouldn’t let the kids down so would see them when he was off work. Paying an ex wife a percentage of your salary is much cheaper and easier than hiring childcare and having to do the drop off, pickups etc.

The reality of divorce is that men can say I’ll see the child once a month and the woman has to work round that because no woman is going to say the same and allow the child to go into foster care. If the man has female family or finds a new gf who will do childcare then he is able to go for more contact and reduce his child maintenance bill legally.

Considering what a difficult time you had last time, do you think it’s a good idea to have another child? You could end up needing even more costly support and if your h doesn’t want to pay now, then will he want to pay the extra next time? Things could go better too but if there’s a chance you’ll “need” to pay for more support then this argument is going to get worse.

Would you feel better if the money that you’d like to pay for beauty treatments was in a savings account or used for something useful like overpaying the mortgage instead?

If you’re paying £200 per micro-needling session then you’re being massively ripped off and I’m speaking as someone who spends a fortune on ‘self care’.

Micro-Needling, Botox and all the rest of it are not necessary expenditures that will improve the root cause of your mental health issues! If he was refusing to allow extra for private therapy sessions I’d agree with you. But why should family money go towards your vanity project?

This. Your OP made me laugh out loud. 🙄

Perhaps if you go back to work, you'll stop wasting time and headspace worrying about your 'body image'.

As a single mum I spend £92 every six weeks on a haircut, and there are plenty who think that's excessive. I manage to do my own nails, brows and exercise while working full time.

Personally I think there’s not enough information to say as it depends on your household income, level of savings and financial circumstances as well as what you and your husband agree about your household finances/ priorities.

E.g. Your household income is £150k per year, you own your home outright with no plans to move or use private schools and you have £250k in savings/ investments - personally I wouldn’t think spending £5k on yourself is a problem as long as your husband has the opportunity to do similarly.

OR Your household income is £80k, you have a £400k mortgage and £500 savings - In this situation I would stick to the £400 personal budget.

Pooling money into a single pot and saying 'his money is my money' (and vice versa) can work for some couples, but only if they have similar values and spending habits, and there is broad agreement about priorities.

In OP's case, there is disagreement over priorities and different spending habits, so a single pot approach to family money won't work. It will cause tension and resentment.
This is why they need to stick to the 'personal allowance each' approach.

How the other half live. 😂

In reality what matters is whether you and your DH agree on the amount of family money you want to spend on beauty treatments for yourself.

You need to sit down and write out your budget, firstly with the non negotiable spends like mortgage & direct debit bills etc. Then agree amounts for regular spending like food & household goods, everyones clothes & shoes etc, DH transport to work, petrol for the car, any regular groups you take DC to, weekly swimming cost or the like.

Then agree your shared family priorities - might include regular savings, paying for holidays & family days out, over paying mortgages, saving for a car etc).

Then you look at what is left and split it fairly for "spending" money.

I think OP what you will find is actually there's a bit less in that "spending" pot than you expect, on one salary, and that actually what you want to do is have more than your share. Your DH may not be happy about this because the only way to achieve it is for him to have less than his share, or to take from shared priorities like savings, holidays or mortgage overpayments.

Hard to say if you’re being unreasonable, it ultimately depends on how strongly your DH supports you being a SAHM. I don’t think what you’re asking to spend on yourself is unreasonable at all assuming you can afford it as a family but if it’s mostly your preference to be a SAHM then I’d say no, you shouldn’t be entitled to DH’s money above what was agreed and instead should go back to work if it’s that important to you to have the extra money. If DH also feels it’s important you stay home then yes, he should give you the money otherwise just threaten to go back to work surely? Do you not have your own separate savings from when you were working?Surely on a lawyers salary you can easily cover full time wrap around childcare costs and still come out ahead so I don’t agree you’re providing an essential service by being a SAHM even with your husband’s work patterns unless you are both on the same page on this being very important for your family. We can’t have everything in life basically, at least not all at once, though I hear you on feeling crap after pregnancy as the weight gain and generally looking a shell of my pre pregnancy self was something I really struggled with too so I don’t blame you for wanting to prioritise looking good.

I may be wildly off here, but please consider, OP, if your underlying issue is actually that your self esteem has taken a knock now you are a SAHM (it was very interesting that you actually described yourself as a lawyer in your introductory paragraph although you aren't currently lawyering), and you are compensating by throwing money and energy into personal in the mistaken belief that this will make you feel better. Because I doubt it will.

O k, so you've said you took two years to lose the baby weight. So your child is older than 2. You want to have a second child?And not go back to work until that child is school age.In other words, four.

Take out over a year for pregnancy and trying to conceive and 4 -5 years, for your second child, to start school that's another six years or more out of work. Plus the two or three years, youve already been out, that will be nearly a decade out of work.

I'm sorry to say you won't get back into the legal profession after a decade out and in your late 30s so easily. It will be like being a first year trainee again when you do go back.

In fact, they might as well hire a junior lawyer or a trainee. Because they'll be in the same position as you and their legal knowledge will be more current having recently graduated and worked.

There are shortages in nursing and medicine. An ex nurse or medic would get back in with retraining.

The law, on the other hand forget it. The profession is massively oversubscribed, and there are no shortages. You will find it extremely hard to go back.So please bear this in mind and consider going back now if you want back into law.

I'm sure if he wanted to spend more than £400 on a golf thing, or whatever he's into, OP wouldn't care.

Maybe he's worried about money OP, but maybe he's becoming controlling. In either case, you need to reassess your family finances, priorities and what works for both of you going forward.

If you and your husband both are getting £400 each then I think that's fair as you want more money for things that really aren't necessary. You are 33. You don't need many of these beauty treatments. I'm 44 and don't do any of these things bar I buy box dye to cover the greys and paint my nails for a night out. Of course you are doing an important job as a sahm but that doesn't mean you should be getting more money than your husband for unnecessary procedures. Embrace your natural beauty, exercise, eat healthy, socialise and drink plenty of water. You don't even need a gym membership, I go out jogging and skip in the garden as it's free and quick though I appreciate the gym might work better for others. I'm a working parent with 2 kids so I've no time to even go to the hairdresser's never mind the gym and the beauticians. Focus on the positives and how lucky you are to have little luxuries and are able to stay at home and not juggle work as well as parenting. By the time you need a little boost/fillers etc in your 40s/50s you'll be back at work and will be able to pay for it yourself.

My comment re nanny was more aimed at the person who keeps trying to say my husband does not need me in order to have children, a nice home and a career. True to a certain extent but I add a heck of a lot of value re raising our children and keeping our house running

There are shortages in nursing and medicine. They would probably have you back with some retraining.

Not ideal when she will invariably only want to work part time, school hours and term time only because of her husband’s job.

It's not the people on the threads concept of an SAHM that's the problem. The problem is usually the partner of the SAHM who is disgruntled with the set up. Sahm holding up a beggars bowl. Please can I have some more. No you get enough. Just grim in every way.

I agree. I suspect the husband is concerned that altogether too much of a limited pool of funds is being earmarked for cosmetic “wellness”, which will all be undone / need long term top ups (especially after baby 2)

I would ask for a further £200 a month tbh. He can clearly afford it.

Op just being a sahm is a privilege sadly very few can afford. Personally I never spend money on myself...I have a haircut twice a year at £25 and that's the only thing I spend on myself and I work like every mum I know. I never used make up etc. I don't drink coffee or tea so just take water with her when out like all the mums I know. If you and your dh can afford £400 to spend on beauty treatments for you that's between you and no one else's business if you can afford it. Asking on here you going to get different responses as it is unusual to spend money on yourself if you not working. I do remember a mum when my dd was a baby being excited to have £30 which she was going to use for baby groups at £1 a time.

He could do two of the three with you and all three if he left you.

I'm by no means disparaging SAHMs but you need to be aware of the risks. I assume he had his career as a pilot before you started a family?

None of my solicitor colleagues work like that with children.

One returned to work when her second child was 13 weeks old.

A nanny and afterschool care for older children is how they managed.

She'll be too long out and wont get back into law after nearly a decade out.

£400 just to spend solely on yourself every month is a lot of money, and I think your DH is right, it should come out of that rather than having more. Even with high incomes I assume there are important things money needs to be spent on or saved for.

Yes it would be extremely grim, and very worrying, if a SAHM had to beg for money.
That is not an argument against a very sensible, and very common, arrangement whereby couples have an equal amount of money allocated to each for personal spending, separate to shared joint family money.

All that is needed is for OP and DH to sit down with a budget and a spreadsheet, and agree what level of personal allowance is affordable. Just because DH might normally spend less, it doesn't mean OP should have a low allowance (low compared to their household income). He can agree a higher allowance for them both, and what he doesn't spend of his can be put into personal savings in his own name.

Alternatively, they can't afford more, and the joint savings that OP is eyeing up are actually earmarked for something or are a rainy day fund, in which case OP is being unreasonable.